Have you heard of Occam's razor?

It's a single blade

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blepharon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.

It said, "You look ugly without a beard."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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What do you get when you cross a computer with a razor?

A screenshaver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sky5598
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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I had to shave with my razor today

Apparently I can't pull off facial hair

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mopcleex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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I came up with a name for my Razor yesterday (true)

Michael Stublè

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apunforallseasons
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2019
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Why do Skunks love Bic razors?

Because they are best for shaving their Pew-Bic Hair..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad11ama
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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"What razor do you use?" my friend asked.

I said, "Mine's Phillips."

He said, "You ought to give it back to him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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Almost got killed by a razor...

It was a close shave with death

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCRadioCarbon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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My son denied using my razor

I could tell by just looking at him that it was a bald-faced lie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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I think it’s time to get a new razor...

my old one just isn’t cutting it anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TortoiseMan510
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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Did you know Sean Connery has a special account for buying razors?

It's his shavings account.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zipperkiller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
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i think the modern razor

is cutting edge technology

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dretland
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2016
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I like the company "Razor"

They provide the cutting edge technology

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piggy_The_Sensei
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
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My boyfriend's razor sharp wit

So after half an hour of trying to shave with an old razor, I walk out of the bathroom and say to my boyfriend "Honey, remind me to get a new razor, this one's blunt." and he replies "Well, I don't think one that beats around the bush would be much use either."

Groans ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aggibridges
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
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I came home to find my dishevelled bed was covered in razor wire, crocodiles and grand pianos!

You couldn't make it up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flayan514
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
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I drew blood trying a new brand of razors.

they're really cutthroat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QQJacobsen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2016
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This morning, I mistakenly deleted my hair

with an e-razor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sches741
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.

She didn’t razor right.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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"I like a man that can pull off facial hair."

I think your supposed to use a razor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GooseJumper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Originally from r/therewasanattempt!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadNigga
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. Cole's Law...

Is basically just cabbage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuriousQueso
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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How does Occam shave everyday?

With his razor of course...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tabunD
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Say β€œRise up lights” out loud.

Congratulations, you can now say razor blades in Australian.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/G-Note
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Girlfriend asked how I cut my chin as I walked out of the bathroom this morning. Come on.. what is the simplest explanation?

I cut myself shaving

With occam's razor!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/klinquist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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My wife was teaching my 11 month old son how to eat with silverware...

My son successfully took a bite by himself and I said, "Good forking job!" My wife groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hockeyscott
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2016
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My husband's response was, "Oh, get OUT of here..."

I saw that my husband had gotten a cut while shaving, and I asked what happened. He explained, "I got a new razor and flew too close to the sun."

My reply: "So you got a nick-arus?"

He was upset.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/palindromantic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2016
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Cat-tastrophe

While petting my cat, she placed her paw over my arm, threatening to unsheathe the razor-sharp claws into my forearm. I turn to my dad. "Dad, she's holding me hostage with her paw." "Looks like she has paw-wer over you." Groans insue. Cat leaves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bioman2222
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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Late night dad joke

My girlfriend had her wisdom teeth removed yesterday, and last night she accidentally woke me up as she was reaching to take another Vicodin, since the pain in her jaw had woken her up. We were both in a daze, still half asleep.

  • Me: What time is it...?
  • Her: Ummmm... 2:30 [AM].
  • Me: Oh... ... I guess that makes sense...
  • Her: ...What...?
  • Me: It's two thirty... tooth... hurty...
  • Her: ...go to sleep.

I was impressed my wits were still razor sharp in the wee hours of the morning!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jambrand
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2014
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Dadjoking Shorty (part 1)

A bit of backstory. I'm notorious among my circle of friends for telling "terrible puns/jokes" I think it's amazing, but I'd been rolling them out all day, patience for puns must've gotten shortened.

I'm talking with Shorty (named because she had short hair) and she was telling me about a book she had started.

Shorty "So the book's called 'Cutting for Stone' and it's like a doctor drama kinda thing, the only issue is that that it's super heavy on the medical terminology, so many bloody surgeries and procedures are listed, and I don't really know anything about that kids stuff. Like it's got an interesting plot but I don't know if I can't finish it, I'm not to sure I'm cut out for it"

At that last line I began laughing (her pun was unintentional) and compliment her on it "ha that was good. You're not 'cut out' for it"

Shorty "Oh god that was terrible just stop"

Me "You want me to 'cut' it out?"

Shorty "I'm going to kill you if you keep this up woman"

Me "You're gonna 'cut' me up?"

Shorty "Your jokes are terrible and it's proven that puns make people angry"

At this point I was just rolling in my chair laughing I really couldn't keep it together, possibly the best reply rolls through my head after this comment, I crack up, there I am choking out as tears come to my eyes. "Well it's a good thing it's not a PUNishable offense"

The girl next to me starts laughing as shorty yells at me how I can't just start crying at my own jokes.

TLDR; A witty banter of sharper than usual humor, as I walk a razor thin line of pissing off my friend and pissing myself with laughter.

I have many other stories so I titled this part one,if anybody likes my writing and jokes I'll share the rest!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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