I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Local TV weatherman breaks all of his limbs but insists on coming in to work...

...tune in at 11, to see his four-casts.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break

I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Saw this on my work break...had me verte-braying with laughter.
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksmokealice
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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If you break up with your girlfriend over her dental work, dies it mean you are bracist?

Posted this poorly this morning. It may be trash, but I think it is original.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ishkunfana
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Decorated the wreath in our musician's break room at work... it needed more ...soul. 😏 i.reddituploads.com/e5067…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N031113
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2016
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My girlfriend says she is going to a spinning class on her lunch break at work.

Don't to get too dizzy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GahWtf1336
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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There was a break in at an office block recently. Many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.

Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RambuDev
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?

A miner inconvenience

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustHumanGarbage
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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I would love to get paid to sleep.

It would be a dream job.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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Did you hear about the artist who gave up on his uncompleted drawing after accidentally breaking his pencil?

Apparently, there was no point to continue drawing the picture

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AesSedai99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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BREAKING: A man has been stealing wheels of police cars.

The police have been working tirelessly to catch him.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Being a chiropractor is back-breaking work.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/green_DM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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Two guys working as movers are short on time for their job and one guy is taking to many breaks.

β€œQuit STALLIN and start PUTIN things in the truck. We’re RUSSIAN over here.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrandNewLogic
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
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Picking up my friend for work...he messaged me sayin he'd be right out, he was fixin' coffee...

So i asked "how'd it break?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l33fty
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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Why did the burglar break into his own house?

He had to work from home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuzzie8
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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My Dad works for a welding supplier, so heres his welding dad joke

A guy was cutting with an acetylene torch when suddenly there is a break in the line. The acetelyne starts shooting up his arm and a stray spark ignites it. His arm bursts into flame. He starts running around the shop waving his arm around while it's on fire until someone hits him with the fire extinguisher.

After the fire is out and the EMT's arrive, the police are there taking statements from the witnesses. When the officer finishes this, he pulls out his handcuffs, goes over to the burned guy on the ground, pushes the EMT out of the way, and arrests the burned guy.

When he brings the guy to the station, the chief asks him why he arrested this guy when he clearly needs medical attention. The officer responded by saying "He was waving a firearm in public"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Better_Devil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
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Just a quick Thank you!

I've been sharing the Dad Jokes from here that pop up in my suggestion line. My Dad and I work together, so we're both off for the School break. Half the time he rolls his eyes and the other half he chuckles. So, thank you, Dad Jokers, for making my Dad chuckle in whatever this strange year has been!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beauknits
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m making a name for myself at work...

So there we were, in the break room of a retail establishment.

A coworker was trying to toss her salad and one of my friends looks at me and says, β€œgo ahead, do it!”

And I’m trying not to laugh, β€œdo what?”

And he says, β€œmake a joke! You want to, I can see it on your face!”

β€œI can’t, it’s not—” I don’t get to finish my sentence.

β€œWhy not!?” He asks, as if he’s disappointed.

β€œBecause…” ( β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

β€œβ€¦I’m turning over a new leaf.” (βŒβ– _β– )

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I like to have a little mid-morning coffee at work...

It's my break fluid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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Someone drew this at the ice cream store I work at. Meet Chance the Frapper!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pwilly10
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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Why did the programmer stop working?

He decided to rest a bit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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I won’t be needing a new phone

I decided to do a drop test with my friends on my iPhone 6s to see if the screen would break. It didn’t break so I said β€œ I guess you could say that test was a 6s.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jammiedodger018
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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β€œI need space”

Astronaut, breaking up with his girlfriend for work reasons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to break-off my gym membership today...

We just weren't "working out."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamerGav09
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
🚨︎ report
This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
🚨︎ report
One morning at work a few years ago, I wasn't paying attention to what Was going on around me and I suffered a serious industrial accident.

I worked right thru my coffee break !

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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
People who work on those polar icebreaking ships are probably really good conversationalists at parties.

I mean, who's better at breaking the ice than an icebreaker?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Amazon prime

After getting laid off of work I can no longer to be afford to be an amazon prime member…

I had to break it to my wife that we must now be

Amazon U.S.D.A. Choice members

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Samsoom2000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I seriously considered becoming a chiropractor.

But it sounded like back breaking work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/you_buy_this_shit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My buddy got me on my lunch break the other day.

I work in a funeral home. Today I was having a conversation with my friend and the call failed. I called him back.

"Yea it said call failed, where are you that you have such bad signal?"

"Are you kidding? I'm home- I have great signal! You're the one with the poor reception! Where are you?"

"The funeral home."

"Exactly! That place is a DEAD zone."

groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clever_username-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
🚨︎ report
A ventilation system failed during the cleaning process in an industrial coffee roster at work today...

Everyone was sent to the lunch room until the production area was clear of smoke. I told a colleague on the way out that today everyone gets a smoke break!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mostly_Aquitted
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2017
🚨︎ report
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
So..My dad works for a bank

I was at a grad party with my Dad. We were standing around a a bonfire with a few other people, when a kid brought a very large stick to put in the fire. It was obviously too large to put in the fire so my dad took it. He was in the process of breaking it when some one joked that this was a job for a banker. In which my dad responded with, "You know what, before my current position I used to be a branch manager"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Num1contender
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad joked my colleagues at a faculty meeting. Thank God I work with great people.

Me (returning from obvious bathroom break): knock knock

Colleagues: <groan> Who's there?

Me: Deirdre Discope.

Colleagues: Deidre Discope who?

Me: Yup.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Z3roSum0
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Dispatcher at work is clearly a dad!

Called in to get my work for the next day as I'm a student who's brought back part-time over the Christmas break.

Me: "Hi, I'm ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas, can I have my work for tomorrow?"

Dispatch:"Hi ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas, how are you?"

Conversation for about 2 minutes

Me: "Okay, see you at 5:00am tomorrow! Have a good day Dispatch!"

Dispatch:"Bye, ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas."

Clearly he'd fit right in here

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ronnockoch
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2015
🚨︎ report
Got Dadjoked at work yesterday

I was covering a cash register while the normal cashier was on break when this guy walked up to me to check out. As i was ringing him up, he casually asked, "do you think they have the 4th of July in England?" I told him "I have no idea", and he responded, "of course they do, it comes between the third and the fifth!"

I was so proud of him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/climber_g33k
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2014
🚨︎ report
BREAKING NEWS: A man has been spotted stealing tires from police cars

The authorities are working tirelessly to catch him!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LucaTheDevilCat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
At work last week I had an industrial accident...

I accidently worked thru coffee break.....

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Pun times at work today

This morning at break our foreman is eating breakfast and says "This bagel isn't even cut", to which I reply "It must not be Jewish". He didn't laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WacktheMedic
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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