29 Puns

Because they have little antibodies.

Those are the years you’re in your prime

Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”

I said, "Not even. I'm still in my prime."

Today is just too extra.

My goldfish died!

Talk 30 to me.

He said "it was a riveting experience."

Husband: I love you, preggo.
Me: I love you too, Ragu.

I complained at my sister's college graduation about how hot it was at the front of the tent when I was trying to get a picture of her crossing the stage. He says, "well there are 619 degrees up there."

My father was so proud he regurgitated that joke for everyone else all day.

Walking past a stall at the fair, points to the coconut shy and said

"I know a guy that won't go to them"

Said "What because he was shy?"

"No he had no confidence"

Groans.

One is $1.29 and the other is under a buck

It was my longest running joke of the year.

He replied, “Dammit! Some asshole’s got my pen!”

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1   - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2   - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3   - Half the people you know are below average.

4   - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6   - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7   - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8   - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9   - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

On Oct. 29, 2019, the world lost a legend. Esteemed actor and comedian, John "Pops" Witherspoon, passed away at the age of 77. After making his acting debut on The Richard Pryor Show in 1977, Witherspoon starred in cultural classics like Good Times, House Party, I'm Gonna Git You Sucka, Bebe's Kids, Boomerang, Soul Plane, I Got the Hook-Up, The Wayans Bros, all three of the revered Friday movies and many more. https://4ormypeople.com/mood/2019/10/30/rip-john-pops-witherspoon

Sorry to toot my own horn, but I really liked this.

The pub quiz guy was reading out the answers.

Him: "The answer to question 29 is Niki Lauda"

Me: "Niki what?"

Him: "Lauda"

Me: "NIKI WHAT?"

He gave us half a point for that joke. We won by a quarter of a point. Boom!

µ-slim

This just happened 2 minutes ago.

I’m visiting my brother today , dec 29. His wife asked for some shopping cash and I heard him say:

“Don’t spend it all at once, this money needs to last us till next year”

Ps. He’s been a father for 5 years now

Got 29,000 matches...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

http://www.radiotimes.com/news/2014-12-29/dad-gives-daughter-a-frozen-doll-for-christmas-literally

My folks have been married 29 years.

Dad looks at me last night and says

If I killed her when I married her, Id be out by now.

I was in a supermarket (not u.s.a) and was approached by a young girl.

Her: Excuse me, could you please buy me cigarettes?

Me: What? You can't buy them yourself? How old do you have to be to buy cigarettes?

Her: 18

Me: Sorry then, I can't.

Her: Why?

Me: I am 29

I'm a 29-year-old dad of a 2-year-old. Wife and I stopped at Hot Head Burritos yesterday and the girl making the burritos said, "I'll mark yours with an X," to my wife.

I said, "Yeah, she's an X.... well, actually, she's my current."

Groans everywhere. I thought it was hilarious.

Not a direct joke, but I was glad to hear on the radio the other day that the inspiration behind the invention of the sports bra was a dad joke

http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/09/29/554476966/40-years-of-athletic-support-happy-anniversary-to-the-sports-bra

I was driving around with my Grandfather yesterday. As we passed a cemetery he says, "People are dying to get in there, you know". I couldn't help but bust out laughing. I'm 29 years old...Gotta love Grandpas

It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.

The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.

The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.

Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.

Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.

About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.

"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.

"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.

"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."

"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".

...some people might mistake it for a cover of a Rolling Stones song.

I wanted to post this in /r/Showerthoughts but they have a rule against puns. :(

The Rolling Stones song I'm referring to is this one.

http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2015/03/29

A pig fell in the mud. 🐖😑

Also, when we were little and my sister (I'm 29/f, she's 2 years my junior) would cry and scream and beg about not getting what she want, my dad would always ask her "Who built the ark?" That shit always pissed her off and me too sometimes but it's def funny now.

One more from him .. when we go out to eat he always tries to hand us a straw but it's really just the wrapper he made to look like there was one still in there.

I was at work riding around with my coworker and buddy, he's married and already an old pervert at 29. We were driving down the interstate in traffic and looking at hot girls as we drive, we get into the far right lane, to where I have nothing but trees to my side. He says, "damn man that chick was hot" as a car passes by and I replied, "I ain't got any bitches but I've got a few birtches over here!" And cracked up. We work for a stump grinding company, this is an onion joke!

And toys. Simultaneously.

At the Home Depot today with my wife and son at the register talking to the cashier about to pay. I pull out my Military ID in hopes for a discount and she says of course they honor the discount.

In the process of her honoring the discount she compliments me on how young I look. I'm 29 but she said "You don't look a day over 18. You must have some really good genes!!" I respond, "Oh thanks, these are just Levi's though"

Cringes all around.

In walking through a park and observing the signs, ‘All dogs found on these grounds without their owners, will be shot,’ a friend of mine exclaimed, ‘That’s a hard case for dogs that can’t read.’

— Irving Browne, Humorous Phases of the Law, 1876

Due credit: Futility Closet

Illegal.

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Beer nuts are a buck 29, Deer nuts are under a buck.