Daughter: "I hate annoying people."
Me: "Then stop annoying them."
Daughter: *eye roll*
I think she hates me!
Why was the Headless Horseman never invited to business parties?
π Because he couldnβt get a-head in life.
What did the eye say to the other eye?
π Eye see you.
Why didnβt the right-handed man ask the other man if he was alright?
ππ» The other man was left-handed.
Why is the letter U upset about televison?
πΊ Because U isnβt included in it.
How come the letter Y hates asking questions?
βThe response is always, βY, you ask?β
Why did the horse become a comedian?
π΄ He was very fun-neigh.
Why did Mrs. Banana leave Mr. Banana?
π They had a split.
What do you get when you cross a doctor and a lemon?
π Lemon-aid.
Why do the spices argue a lot?
π§ Because theyβre salty.
Why did the noodle have to go to bed?
π It was pasta-his bed time.
What did Mr. Volcano say to Mrs. Volcano?
π I lava you.
Why do the gardening tools hate Stacy?
πͺ΄ Stacyβs a hoe.
Why are you beautiful?
πBecause βBe youβ is in the word itself.
The last one is more heartwarming than funny, but I thought itβd be included.
Teen unironically: how did you only get one keet? I thought you had to buy them in pairs?
All of us: wowwwww
18
Now he's the Prinze of Egypt.
They're teaching it wrong.
A Minor
My wife: Kansas
I felt so proud of her.
Me: There is a band playing today. Do you want to go?
Her: I donβt know. What is the band called?
Me: Mullet.
Her: Um, what kind of style is that?
Me: Kind of short in front, long in back.
She glanced in the rear view mirror and said, βYes, Officer, thatβs me!β
Thankfully, I've leveled-up since those days.
Long time fan, first time poster.
You're in your prime and everything feels very odd
Hey, if you have time to TEEN, you have time to clean!
She was horrified, but wife was amused. Win win.
It was a brief conversation
βYou cantaloupe! Your too youngβ
A steam punk!
On the day of the prom, he goes to pick up his suit. However, once he gets there, thereβs a line, so he waits....and waits...and waits...
After he gets his suit, he goes to get her corsage. When he gets to the flower shop, however, thereβs an even bigger line, so he waits...and he waits...and he waits...
Once he had the corsages, he made his way to her house, but the roads were packed so he had to wait in line for the turnoff. So he waited...and waited.
Finally, he reaches her house, picks her up, and drives her to prom. But thereβs a line to get into the school, so they wait... and wait...
At last, they are in the prom and dancing away. After a while, they get thirsty. So they head for the refreshment table and.....
Thereβs no punch line
She replied yes I think people should be allowed to get married however they want. So proud.
A canteen
Sheβs now my quaranteen.
I said, βOK, Zoomer.β
A adult male is a Man-ager
You hope to avoid crop tops and cutoffs.
An adolescent Adderall essence
is because it's so much harder to give birth to a teenager.
wait I got it, nevermind
A dad joke original from my dad!!!
We're gonna call it a Friends-zone-giving.
Dos Equus
Just in: Case; Justin case. Just Encase, just in case.
Her: I'm surprised Zhanna didn't wake up. I guess she is a heavier sleeper.
Me: Hmmmm, no. I think you weigh about the same.
Cue eye roll.
My daughter who is 15 was hanging out with one of her friends. They were having a typical teenage conversation over which is better turkey or chicken. After a good 5 minutes of "Turkey.. No chicken... No turkey!" I interjected and said "You know what... I think your conversation is pretty fowl". It was a very proud period of silence after that.
Ferrous Bueller
We're in California, and the drought is on our minds as we approach what (in a good year) is the rainy season. As I checked the weather forecast, I gave a little cheer.
"Chance of showers this week!" I told my son.
"Well, for me, it's a 100% chance," he said. "Every morning, about 5:30."
He said, "Well son, you don't need to. You've already groaned up in the past years."
Cardamom.
cantaloupe
In my class there was an assignment where you had to bring an item to represent yourself.
A student did a speech on how a cake represented her.
After the speech, i said, " well that speech really took the cake"
The teacher was the only one to laugh.
