My dad is transitioning and says when it's done I won't be able to see him anymore
Last week a Florida school district expanded their book ban to include the dictionary, so you now won't find them in the library
>!Journalists reached out to some affected librarians for comment, but they were lost for words...!<
>!please note that I know this joke is slightly misleading, dictionaries have not actually been banned (yet), but here's an!< article >!(and yes this linked article's heading is slightly misleading)!<
"Bartender, you won't believe this. I met this guy, we are from the same town, have the same birthday, went to the same school and our parents have the same name!" Bartender:
"Looks like the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?
Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.
My neighbour has stopped talking to me because I won't let him walk our dog everyday.
I think he's being petty.
There can be 100 people in a room, and 99% of them won't walk up to you and slap you in the face.
My pet snake was sneezing, so i gave it a Claritin. Now it won't speak to me!
I shouldn't have given him an anti-hiss-tamine.
As a fan of the Thermos brand I've been considering to get the logo for first tattoo, however as it fades I won't be able to get it touched up
Because as every dad knows you don't touch the Thermos tat
My daughter wanted to pop a pimple on my bald head, but according to her 'It won't be ready until tomorrow'...
So I told her she needed to think like one of those Californian farmers and harvest it before it's ripe so it'll hold during shipping.
She just gave me the typical teenaged narrow-eyed smirk and said 'What's wrong with you!?'
I had to punish my kid because he won't stop eating electrical cords.
I told him he's grounded until he conducts himself properly.
Everyone says I won't be able to make a film like The Truman Show.
My neighbor and I have come to an agreement. He won't play loud music at all hours as long as he gets to have a show of animals with amusements and entertainment every night.
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
I was having an argument with my wife about who should brew the coffee each morning. She said, “YOU should do it because YOU get up first and then we won't have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
I went full sexist pig, “YOU'RE in charge of cooking around here woman and YOU should do it, because it's YOUR job and I can just wait for my coffee.”
She replied coldly, “No, YOU should do it and besides, it's in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
I guffawed, “I can’t believe that, show me!”
So she fetched the Bible and opened to the New Testament and showed me the top of several pages, that it indeed says, “HEBREWS!”
Once you start spreading lube on a child's slide, you won't be able to stop.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
When my house cleaner comes to my house he won't stop singing born in the USA
He won't be allowed to court anyways
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
This is going to be the first year our family won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19
Usually it's because we can't afford it.
Why won't the shrimp sell his treasures to the fishes?
Listening to The Who Won't Fooled Again
We start talking about Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
"He must be a king."
"How do you know?"
"He 'asn't got shit all over 'im."
Dad says "CSI:Medieval!"
He laughed at his own joke so hard I thought he was going to hurt himself.
My wife won't come to Mexico with me.
She thinks I will try tequila.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
Because he has herd them all.
Don't bother reading that "ultimate" workout blog. "You won't believe" their advice is just to walk 1,000 meters a day.
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
Me to my daughter in regards to the gyms closing: "Guess I won't be flattening this curve." (As I pat my belly)
She rolled her eyes and sighed.
"Vote for me, and we won't have BEEF. I hope to MEAT all of your expectations, but if we don't accomplish everything, don't have a COW."
My mate started a course on how to stay fit now he won't use elevators
he told me how he's going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I hope I'm the first to say this about the next US presidential election. Last election left plenty of people mad, but we won't have any near sighted politicians next time, because whoever runs in 2020 will have a clear vision of the future.
Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.
Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.
My co-worker brags about bringing in the largest waffle to the office every morning. He won't let us forget it.
I'm bummed, I bought my daughter a trampoline and she won't be able to use it
https://imgur.com/7N9cd2V
She only has two feet.
Doctor told me I won't be able to talk for the rest of my life.
If you buy Disney stock, and wait till they start competing with Netflix in November, you won't want to go to Disneyland or Disney World.
The stock itself will give you enough of a roller coaster ride.
My dad won't show me how to properly work and shape dough.
He keeps saying it's on a "knead to know basis".
Exercise alone won't get you into shape. You have to diet too.
There's no weigh around it.
I won't travel to the ground by escalators
A good friend of mine won't allow his name to be written down
The alarm is sounded at the batcave. Batman runs to the batmobile but it won't turn on. He tells robin to grab a new battery.
Robin says: What's a tery?
My wife, to my daughter who won't get off the computer.
"Young lady, you need to pay attention. Get your head out of the cloud."
I'm not sure if it was intentional or not. I'm guessing not, given what I know about the Missus, it most likely wasn't.
What do you call it when your birthing coach won't come to help deliver the baby?
A mid-wife crisis
(Or a "no can doula")
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