Due to the state of quarantine i wont be posting regular jokes

Itll be only inside jokes from now

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CornLuck
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
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I wont try that
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheWildNazis
πŸ“…︎ May 09
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Tequila wont fix your life..

..But its definitely worth a shot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Onli-Wan-Kenoli
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
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Trust me the coronavirus wont last long.

Because it's made in china

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pediepew
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
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Do you know why Melania wont sleep in the same bed as Donald?

He refuses to stop Putin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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Looks like we wont be playing Yahtzee after all

No dice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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Why wont elves drive mini mokes?

Cause mokins an elf hazard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crazylegs_Ohooley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2016
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In the future, we wont need to put our noisy pets on airplanes

We will have catapults

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
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Wanna hear a joke about covid?

Never mind you probably wont get it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toast_daddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03
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What is the most sexual object in the world?

A door, because it wont stop banging the frame.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSnuffy
πŸ“…︎ May 25
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In protest of these lockdowns...

I wont be getting my hair cut until they're lifted!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Screamimgmonkey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
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Buzz him in!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heusenleo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up...

Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hana-Chi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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My wife said she's going to leave me if I don't stop with the click bait

You wont believe what happened next!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karma-enigma
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
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A joke about Coronavirus...

You probably wont get it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0ngH3art
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
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Try walking up behind someone and scare them

They wont see it coming

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
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You wanna hear a joke about an unstamped letter

Nevermind you wont get it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LILWOMPUS
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...

It's a vicious cycle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kameshkii
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
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Those northern canadians can smell a liar a mile away

And they wont have Nunavut

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
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Is Google Assistant a dad?

http://i.imgur.com/KD1dxhgh.jpg

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GiveMeBackMySon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
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What concert costs 45 cents?

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring nickelback

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fifthpick2004
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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keep scrolling pls

i'd tell you a joke about bones. but it probably wont be a humerus as it should be. tibia honest, it doesnt have a lot of back bone put into it. it'll just make me seem like a numb skull anyways so, imma go skullking in the bar. see ya

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrozenScavengers
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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What do you call a deaf person wearing a blue shirt

Doesnt matter, they wont hear you

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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A bug hit my windshield today...

I bet he wont have the guts to do that again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylie871
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Someone told me I'm super vague

Lets just say they wont be saying that any more

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdawgUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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πŸ‘€︎ u/time_to_zebra
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2016
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A guy signs up for the army and goes to get his equipment after he’s been processed.

When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him thatΒ he just ran out. β€œIf you need to shoot just say β€˜BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next areaΒ where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. β€œIf you need to stab someone justΒ go, β€˜STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its wayΒ to the front where there’s a battle raging on.

Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, β€œBANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldierΒ drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, β€œSTICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.

So when he sees his ne

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lavidius
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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My son's teacher said I'm educating my son well, and to continue to do what i was doing at home...

Guess I wont stop beating him then...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UltimatePeanut
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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What do you say to your dad who is on the roof when the ladder falls?

"don't worry dad! I wont let you down! "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1SirJohnSmith1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Me: Dad, can you give me some advice? Dad: Sure, if your gonna bet a nut on something, always bet your right nut

Me: Okayyyy....but why?

Dad: Because if you bet the other one you wont have any left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synisive
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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He must've done this 20+ times

I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What?' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face.

Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i.imgur.com/mTme2Jo.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_doodlebop
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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My brother was just admitted to hospital after being absorbed into an electrical circuit.

The doctors wont let me see him in his Current condition...

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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My daughter asked me, "Daddy why do I have to go to bed?"

I replied, "Because the bed wont come to you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2017
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You really need to keep your eyes open on 4th of april

... or you wont see a thing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hypnorook
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
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My dad recently convinced my school to ban scissors.

I wont be cutting class anytime soon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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I asked my coworker for headphones.

He told me firstly his name isnt phones and secondly he wont give me head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarleCJ253
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2018
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A post on awww reminded me of one I got my kid with a few years ago.

So my daughter used to be a Dora the explorer fanatic. Loved everything Dora.. So we bought her a kickball with Dora on it.

Thats important to the joke, trust me.

So, we were out in the garage, kicking the ball back and forth, and my daughter saw one of our dogs doing something cute, as dogs are wont to do.

"Daddy! Look! That's adorable!"

I grabbed the ball and said "no, sweetie, thats cute, THIS is a Dora ball!"

Eyeroll from her, and the wife choked on her drink. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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Got my girlfriend the other day

We were getting out of her car and she attempted to lock it with the fob. After failing a couple times, she reclosed the rear door and locked it. She then turned to me:

Her: "It wont lock if the door is ajar" Me: "What happens if it's a bottle?"

I thought her eyes were going to roll out of her head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheezebrgrWalrus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
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We where sitting in the living room..

And a Fire Engine went speeding past the house, Sirens blaring.

My Dad turned to me

"He wont sell much ice-cream going that speed."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquishedGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
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Are you going to watch the origami competition on tv tomorrow?

I wont. It's on paper view

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heggie_Plays
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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So, my girlfriend and i were doing some role play.

I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p4nz3r
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
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Vase of Base

... this wont translate via text im sure BUT. the other day i walked into my apartment with some flowers and was looking for a vase, my roommate says "ah, i have a solution!" and goes to pull a vase out of the cabinet, but theres a giant jug of vinegar in the way, so she pulls that out first, so I said "thats not a solution, thats a base"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mevanarie
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
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Was driving with my dad earlier today

As we were driving, we saw a car on the side of the road that looked as if it had broken down.

Dad: I guess it wont start

Me: That looks like a bummer.

Dad: Looks more like a Mercedes Benz to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Synergy_synner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2017
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Two cellphones walk into a bar....

the bar tender asks for their IDs. One tries calling the other but gets no singal, the bartender asks what they are trying to do. they say they have caller IDs The bartender then laughs and say that that wont work in his bar since its a one Bar town.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Orthanx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
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Got my Nephew with the best Dad joke of my life

This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible! So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said "Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them!"

Me: "No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them"

Nephew: "why not?"

Me: "Because they have have bear feet"

My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it.. and he said "uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fr0zen_yetti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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text conversation with my dad after I fell and bruised my tailbone

Dad: "Hey, how's your rash?" Tony Soprano.

Me: What?

Dad: Get it? "Your-ash"

Dad: As in "your a--"

Me: Yeah I got it. Ha ha. Still hurts.

Dad: Should've fallen on your head

Me: I'll remember that next time.

Dad: No you wont

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nd-nd-a
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2013
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A rabbit walks over the

A rabbit walks over the boarder to the neighboring country, what does it become?

Answer
Huh this wont work on pc...
The rabbit becomes a Tourist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ardibanan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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SEND HELP

I've lost my fiancΓ© to r/dadjokes and I'm afraid he wont come back to me.

Reddit please give him back :(

Sincerely, His very cold ans lonely lady

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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My dad's a big James Bond fan and he told me to try Viagra if I was feeling upset and lonely

"It wont make you Daniel Craig but it will make you Roger Moore."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rustedhero
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
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Came with this one, pretty painful.

So one day, a guy fruit sees a pretty girl fruit and decides to try and date her. It goes very well for a whole year, when the guy fruit decides to propose. Before he does this he asks for blessings from the girl fruit's family. The father strictly insists that she not get married and clearly wont change his mind. But the guy fruit is in love, so he decides to marry her anyway. He proposes and says to her they can run away together, to which she responds: "I'm sorry, but i cant-elope."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/optimist_movement
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2016
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I get my wife every time

I offer my 9 month old son a sip of my beer Wife: please don't give him any ideas Me: don't worry, I wont. I'll just give him beer

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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Conversion with my daughter.

Context: In the kitchen making my daughter a snack. Me:"Do you want a milk shake, or just ice cream." Daughter: "Just ice cream" Me:"Do you want any milk in it?" Daughter: "No I said I don't want a milk shake." Me: "Well then I wont shake it...." Daughter "O.o -_- fine, just a little milk"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jnx_complex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2016
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Oh my gosh! You have a huge pimple!

Its on your shoulders! Hold Still!

>squeezes head with both hands

"it wont pop, darn it"

I did this to my kid the other day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tknoob
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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My daughter was very excited with her purchase of Frozen Underwear.

I had to ask "wont your butt be cold?"

6 year olds are awesome when they get frustrated at dadjokes

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πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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I can produce a good one every now and then...

Watching the news with my two roommates. Story on about a woman allegedly offering sexual favors in exchange for food stamps.

Rommate 1: Seriously, selling yourself for food stamps?

Me: Produce-tituion

Roomie 2: facepalms

Roomie 1: Well she wont have to worry about getting any meats at least.

Roomie 2: Double facepalms

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2015
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The cheesiest

Me: I'm hungry can you make me a sandwich?

Dad: Here, let me make you a grilled cheese.

(proceeds to open fridge, and take out the cheese)

Dad: GOD DAMNIT CHEESE,YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHIN. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET SOME WORK DONE TODAY. KEEP THIS UP AND YOU WONT BE HERE NEXT MONDAY...

I never got a sandwich.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCleanupBatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2014
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I heard this gem at Arches National Park.

A boy is resting on the trail back to camp as his dad waits for him and as I am walking by this happens...

Dad: "So when we get back to camp remind me to spray bug spray around your boots."

Son: "Why?"

Dad: "So that the ants wont climb up your pants and bite your candy ass."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/munkadelix
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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On Getting Pizza Delivered

I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.

On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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what did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the door?

wont be long now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tatanka_truck
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
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Cereal Joker

As a little background, my wife and I traveled to michigan for a family reunion. While packing, my wife packed a 'bag of tricks' meaning a bag of toys for our 5 month old baby. Today she is taking a day trip with the baby to visit one of her friends. She is getting ready to go, bring extra clothes and such, and mentioned to me "I wont be able to bring the bag of tricks." I replied "Well maybe you should just bring some lucky charms."

I love being a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Russed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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So a bug hit my windshield while driving with my dad..

Dad - "Bet he wont have the guts to fly in front of you again!"

Me - Instant facepalm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BLOW_ME_pls
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
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So my Dad and I stopped at Friendly's for lunch today.

The lady at the counter asks, "Would you like a recite?" To which he instantly replies, "Nope I don't think so. I hope we wont be returning it." The lady at the counter just gives the biggest, really? face, and then when I start laughing she forces a laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/relytv2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
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I'm not a dad, I just joke like one

So we were starting CPR training in class and the instructor was telling us where to find an AED on campus. Him: "Now, there is one if the office, one in the cafeteria, and one in the pool" Me: "Well it's not very good to have an AED in the pool." Him: "Why not?" Me: "Well...wont it get wet?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lunaticapple
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2014
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I dad joked my brother

So we were on the highway and this truck in front of us would not move. So my brother said, '' This truck wont move". and I said, ''maybe its too tired''

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esco_art
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2014
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