Itll be only inside jokes from now
..But its definitely worth a shot.
Because it's made in china
He refuses to stop Putin
Cause mokins an elf hazard
We will have catapults
Never mind you probably wont get it.
A door, because it wont stop banging the frame.
I wont be getting my hair cut until they're lifted!
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
You wont believe what happened next!
They wont see it coming
Nevermind you wont get it
It's a vicious cycle
And they wont have Nunavut
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 cent featuring nickelback
i'd tell you a joke about bones. but it probably wont be a humerus as it should be. tibia honest, it doesnt have a lot of back bone put into it. it'll just make me seem like a numb skull anyways so, imma go skullking in the bar. see ya
Doesnt matter, they wont hear you
I bet he wont have the guts to do that again.
Lets just say they wont be saying that any more
When he gets to the place where he’s supposed to pick up his rifle the man tells him that he just ran out. “If you need to shoot just say ‘BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!'” he says. Bummed out and little confused, the guy moves on to the next area where he’s supposed to pick up the bayonet. But the next man is out too. “If you need to stab someone just go, ‘STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!'” he says. Dejected and wondering what the heck he signed up for, the guy jumps into the next truck on its way to the front where there’s a battle raging on.
Side by side with the rest of the soldiers in his unit, the guy advances on the enemy position. As soon as he sees the enemy, he shouts, “BANGITY BANG BANGITY BANG!!” Amazingly, the enemy soldier drops to the ground. Encouraged by his success he charges the next two enemy soldiers and goes, “STICKITY STICK STICKITY STICK!” They both immediately collapse in front of him. This is incredible, he thinks, I’ve become unstoppable.
So when he sees his ne... keep reading on reddit ➡
Guess I wont stop beating him then...
"don't worry dad! I wont let you down! "
Me: Okayyyy....but why?
Dad: Because if you bet the other one you wont have any left.
I'll be sitting in the passenger seat. Perhaps on my phone. My dad will point out to the street and say 'Hey'. Naturally this gets my attention. I usually respond with 'What?' He wont answer. I'll look over and he'll be pointing at a Truck transporting a large number of bales of hay. I look at him. Smuggest look of satisfaction on his face.
Edit: I can't spell. I'm like a clam Edit 2:http://i.imgur.com/mTme2Jo.jpg
The doctors wont let me see him in his Current condition...
I replied, "Because the bed wont come to you!"
... or you wont see a thing.
I wont be cutting class anytime soon.
He told me firstly his name isnt phones and secondly he wont give me head.
So my daughter used to be a Dora the explorer fanatic. Loved everything Dora.. So we bought her a kickball with Dora on it.
Thats important to the joke, trust me.
So, we were out in the garage, kicking the ball back and forth, and my daughter saw one of our dogs doing something cute, as dogs are wont to do.
"Daddy! Look! That's adorable!"
I grabbed the ball and said "no, sweetie, thats cute, THIS is a Dora ball!"
Eyeroll from her, and the wife choked on her drink. :)
We were getting out of her car and she attempted to lock it with the fob. After failing a couple times, she reclosed the rear door and locked it. She then turned to me:
Her: "It wont lock if the door is ajar" Me: "What happens if it's a bottle?"
I thought her eyes were going to roll out of her head
And a Fire Engine went speeding past the house, Sirens blaring.
My Dad turned to me
"He wont sell much ice-cream going that speed."
I wont. It's on paper view
I was Santa she was a naughty girl. 'Unfortunately you've been a naughty girl and you're on Santas naughty list and wont be receiving any presents this year.' 'oh no Santa i really want a present i'll do anything to get on your good list' 'oh i dont know if there is a way i'm afraid' you're just going to have to bend over my knee and take your spank now.' bare butt spanks occur 'Please Santa let me on your good list I'm begging you' 'Well come to think of it there is a Claus in the contract' .... Then realising the accidental Santa Claus pun I made I had to be sure she got it. 'Get it! CLAUS HHAHAHA CLAUS LIKE SANTA CLAUS HAHAHAHHAA' yeah she didnt find it as funny as me... No sex for me..
... this wont translate via text im sure BUT. the other day i walked into my apartment with some flowers and was looking for a vase, my roommate says "ah, i have a solution!" and goes to pull a vase out of the cabinet, but theres a giant jug of vinegar in the way, so she pulls that out first, so I said "thats not a solution, thats a base"
As we were driving, we saw a car on the side of the road that looked as if it had broken down.
Dad: I guess it wont start
Me: That looks like a bummer.
Dad: Looks more like a Mercedes Benz to me.
the bar tender asks for their IDs. One tries calling the other but gets no singal, the bartender asks what they are trying to do. they say they have caller IDs The bartender then laughs and say that that wont work in his bar since its a one Bar town.
This was during Thanksgiving but I just remembered it the other day in the car. For Thanksgiving our family and in-laws all got a cabin in east TN. This cabin had a room with a pool table and in that room it had a door to the outside. Well my 12 year old nephew and I would go to play pool a lot and once time while we were down there I took my shoes off and they smelled terrible! So I decided to put them outside using the aforementioned door. Then the best set up of my life happened: My nephew said "Don't put them outside, the bears will eat them!"
Me: "No they wont, they might take them but they won't eat them"
Nephew: "why not?"
Me: "Because they have have bear feet"
My nephew just stared at me, and I sat there looking like suspense eel waiting for him to get it.. and he said "uncle fr0zen_yettiiii that was lame"
Dad: "Hey, how's your rash?" Tony Soprano.
Dad: Get it? "Your-ash"
Dad: As in "your a--"
Me: Yeah I got it. Ha ha. Still hurts.
Dad: Should've fallen on your head
Me: I'll remember that next time.
Dad: No you wont
A rabbit walks over the boarder to the neighboring country, what does it become?
Huh this wont work on pc...
The rabbit becomes a Tourist
I've lost my fiancé to r/dadjokes and I'm afraid he wont come back to me.
Reddit please give him back :(
Sincerely, His very cold ans lonely lady
"It wont make you Daniel Craig but it will make you Roger Moore."
So one day, a guy fruit sees a pretty girl fruit and decides to try and date her. It goes very well for a whole year, when the guy fruit decides to propose. Before he does this he asks for blessings from the girl fruit's family. The father strictly insists that she not get married and clearly wont change his mind. But the guy fruit is in love, so he decides to marry her anyway. He proposes and says to her they can run away together, to which she responds: "I'm sorry, but i cant-elope."
I offer my 9 month old son a sip of my beer Wife: please don't give him any ideas Me: don't worry, I wont. I'll just give him beer
Context: In the kitchen making my daughter a snack. Me:"Do you want a milk shake, or just ice cream." Daughter: "Just ice cream" Me:"Do you want any milk in it?" Daughter: "No I said I don't want a milk shake." Me: "Well then I wont shake it...." Daughter "O.o -_- fine, just a little milk"
Its on your shoulders! Hold Still!
>squeezes head with both hands
"it wont pop, darn it"
I did this to my kid the other day.
I had to ask "wont your butt be cold?"
6 year olds are awesome when they get frustrated at dadjokes
Watching the news with my two roommates. Story on about a woman allegedly offering sexual favors in exchange for food stamps.
Rommate 1: Seriously, selling yourself for food stamps?
Roomie 2: facepalms
Roomie 1: Well she wont have to worry about getting any meats at least.
Roomie 2: Double facepalms
Me: I'm hungry can you make me a sandwich?
Dad: Here, let me make you a grilled cheese.
(proceeds to open fridge, and take out the cheese)
Dad: GOD DAMNIT CHEESE,YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHIN. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET SOME WORK DONE TODAY. KEEP THIS UP AND YOU WONT BE HERE NEXT MONDAY...
I never got a sandwich.
A boy is resting on the trail back to camp as his dad waits for him and as I am walking by this happens...
Dad: "So when we get back to camp remind me to spray bug spray around your boots."
Dad: "So that the ants wont climb up your pants and bite your candy ass."
I deliver pizza for a living and I showed up at the door, as is my wont, with one hand holding the pizza bag and the other holding the receipt. On opening the door, I greeted the pater familia and told him the amount I was owed. He gave me the money and I handed him the receipt so I could free up my hands to pull the pizza out of the bag, saying offhandedly, "Here you go," indicating the receipt. The patriarch then looked at the menu bemusedly and remarked, "Hmm, seems a little light." It took me a little to figure out the joke was supposed to be that he thought the menu accompanying the receipt was the entire delivery.
On noticing my delayed reaction, the daughter of the house proceeded to put her hand to her face in a manner not unlike our dear Snoo at the top of this page. I've been delivering for two years now--that was easily the lamest, most Dad-like joke I have ever come across.
wont be long now.
As a little background, my wife and I traveled to michigan for a family reunion. While packing, my wife packed a 'bag of tricks' meaning a bag of toys for our 5 month old baby. Today she is taking a day trip with the baby to visit one of her friends. She is getting ready to go, bring extra clothes and such, and mentioned to me "I wont be able to bring the bag of tricks." I replied "Well maybe you should just bring some lucky charms."
I love being a dad.
Dad - "Bet he wont have the guts to fly in front of you again!"
Me - Instant facepalm.
The lady at the counter asks, "Would you like a recite?" To which he instantly replies, "Nope I don't think so. I hope we wont be returning it." The lady at the counter just gives the biggest, really? face, and then when I start laughing she forces a laugh.
So we were starting CPR training in class and the instructor was telling us where to find an AED on campus. Him: "Now, there is one if the office, one in the cafeteria, and one in the pool" Me: "Well it's not very good to have an AED in the pool." Him: "Why not?" Me: "Well...wont it get wet?"