At least he won't turn over in his grave.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainbowarriorhere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?

They had a long conversation about bark.

Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amalgamxtc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife won a large ceramic pot

She definitely urned it

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Strange_An0maly
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.

I can't tell you how proud that makes me.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoMoreDays
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of man is hot and spicy and won't dissapoint you?

Ramen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crxcked_
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked a conspiracy theorist if they knew who really won the election. They said…

β€œYes thank Q”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keilly
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I ordered won ton for my large family today.

2000 lbs of soup goes along way.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redsteelgonnawin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won't swords go obsolete?

They are cutting edge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U-r-a-bus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the farmer that won an award

He was outstanding in his field.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bear3126
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won't it work?!
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raypeghost
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
10 puns entered a contest. Who won you ask?

No pun in ten did

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamnotchip12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won’t triangles go on dates with circles?

They’re pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calm_Fan_381
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Covid can cause another condition, however, this condition won't come up in people living in sweden.

It's called Stuckhome syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Major_Cupcake
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Won an award for growing the biggest pickle in the state.

It’s kinda a big dill.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who won't get off your lawn?

A grasshole.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won’t you starve in a desert?

Because of all the 'sand which is' there

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Told my luggage there won’t be any vacations because of COVID-19

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.

She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I won’t get to use my water cannon of doom

Water shame

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doomboy1808
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...

I told her I was just completely sunburnt

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_lp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I hung around so long that I won the loitery.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when your tuning fork won’t stop ringing?

Tineitus

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.

It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since he’s moved away, he won’t paint any more.

I guess he’s now an ex-cape-artist...

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sully1227
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won’t superman invest in Bitcoin?

Because his weakness is krypto

πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nohpetsallowed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
VIAGRA....It won't make you James Bond....

.....but, it would make you Roger Moore.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a skidmark that won't come out?

Undie turd

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crimsonangel68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard that Cardi B won a certificate for being crazy.

I guess she's a certified freak.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derpvboii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife won’t let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.

She is infringing on my right to bear arms.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_OToole
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"

Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."

(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....

I now have $5.999,999,75c left.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a mail saying that I won a million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "That's just Spam".

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
You’ll do a lot of dumb things in your youth, son, and that’s okay, because most of the consequences won’t follow you into adulthood. But you know what will always come back to haunt you?

A ghost boomerang

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....

Is an utter disappointment?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I once knew a scarecrow that won an award

for outstanding achievements in his field.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hover-lovecraft
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My bike won't stand on it's own.

It's two tired.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karl_oskar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why won’t Trump be able enter the White House on January 21st?

It’s forbiden

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdwinDaPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My heater won't stop running,

I swear it has no chill.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porkeria21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeCarrie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
You hear about the scarecrow who won a major award?

Apparently, he was out standing in his field.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnEvilSunBro
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
You won't get this joke...

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PetroPanda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
This furniture store won’t stop calling me...

I don’t know why. I said I only wanted one night stand.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/applejamberry
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report

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