At least he won't turn over in his grave.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
Wife says I wonβt get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Feb 18 2021
My wife won a large ceramic pot
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
I've just won an award for being the most secretive person of the year.
I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
π︎ 52
π
︎ Apr 06 2021
What kind of man is hot and spicy and won't dissapoint you?
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 06 2021
I asked a conspiracy theorist if they knew who really won the election. They saidβ¦
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 05 2021
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes along way.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 28 2021
Why won't swords go obsolete?
They are cutting edge technology.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
Did you hear about the farmer that won an award
He was outstanding in his field.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
Why won't it work?!
π︎ 27
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
10 puns entered a contest. Who won you ask?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Why wonβt triangles go on dates with circles?
π︎ 4k
π
︎ Dec 01 2020
Covid can cause another condition, however, this condition won't come up in people living in sweden.
It's called Stuckhome syndrome
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 01 2021
Won an award for growing the biggest pickle in the state.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
What do you call someone who won't get off your lawn?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 22 2021
Why wonβt you starve in a desert?
Because of all the 'sand which is' there
π︎ 39
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
Told my luggage there wonβt be any vacations because of COVID-19
Now Iβm dealing with emotional baggage
π︎ 12
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 18 2021
I wonβt get to use my water cannon of doom
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 23 2021
Being a parent is hard - my son won't ever let me have a good night's sleep; so when my wife came home the other day and asked why I was so red...
I told her I was just completely sunburnt
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 15 2021
I hung around so long that I won the loitery.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
What do you call it when your tuning fork wonβt stop ringing?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
After my sonβs team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited us for a party afterwards.
It was the Father, the Son, and the Goalie host.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
My buddy used to paint these beautiful beach scapes when he lived on the coast, but since heβs moved away, he wonβt paint any more.
I guess heβs now an ex-cape-artist...
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Why wonβt superman invest in Bitcoin?
Because his weakness is krypto
π︎ 194
π
︎ Jan 27 2021
VIAGRA....It won't make you James Bond....
.....but, it would make you Roger Moore.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
What do you call a skidmark that won't come out?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I heard that Cardi B won a certificate for being crazy.
I guess she's a certified freak.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
My wife wonβt let me get a tattoo of a grizzly on each bicep.
She is infringing on my right to bear arms.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 10 2020
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Oct 25 2020
Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"
Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."
(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....
I now have $5.999,999,75c left.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
I got a mail saying that I won a million dollars because I could read Maps backwards
I thought to myself, "That's just Spam".
π︎ 43
π
︎ Feb 14 2021
Youβll do a lot of dumb things in your youth, son, and thatβs okay, because most of the consequences wonβt follow you into adulthood. But you know what will always come back to haunt you?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
Do you ever wonder if a cow thinks her calf who won't nurse.....
Is an utter disappointment?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 31 2021
I once knew a scarecrow that won an award
for outstanding achievements in his field.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
My bike won't stand on it's own.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
Why wonβt Trump be able enter the White House on January 21st?
π︎ 41
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
I won the "Most Secretive Guy" award in our office today.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jul 25 2020
My heater won't stop running,
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
You hear about the scarecrow who won a major award?
Apparently, he was out standing in his field.
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jan 14 2021
You won't get this joke...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
This furniture store wonβt stop calling me...
I donβt know why. I said I only wanted one night stand.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
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