Weight
πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awells1012
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-KeyLime-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
If my ceiling fan supported my weight...

....I'll never be bored again.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t pick it up!

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuxul006
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The key to losing weight is patience

So take your time and wait.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nossin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Rapid Weight Loss

I lost 200 lbs of ugly fat in only 3 months.

I got a divorce.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/John1967miller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I invented a bouncing platform to help obese hobos lose weight.

I call it a Tramp o' Lean

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...

It's a loaf hat diet.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye45_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do weighted blankets calm you down?

Because compression is the opposite of tension!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andnat12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone that got weight loss surgery?

Trans-fat.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SousaBoy93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
There are 3 men on a boat.

Each has a cigarette, but nothing to light it with.

So one man throws his cigarette into the water, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight is a peice of cake!

Just don’t pick it up

Edit: piece I before E except after c

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gowry0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to a weight loss seminar

I now have wseven

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jzr171
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 96
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anukrit_Subedi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I got banned from my local gym

I gues I just didn't work out

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinnen1
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food

But I think it's a naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I really ought to start losing weight...

But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Dolly Parton’s new weight loss coffee?

It’s called Joe Lean.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the β€œGuess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pasngas42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."

I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds

But they were very cagey about it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adhoc42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently bought a decibel reader and it changed my life...

It speaks volumes!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Conscious_Ad_931
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?

A wet Pomeranian.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/David_F_Pumpkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don’t fish weight themselves?

They have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a dead person do to lose weight?

He goes on a DIE-et!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!

Turns out they’ve got loads of them!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
And I’m sure he felt the burn too!
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andresdoughmas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...

Is not my strong suit.

πŸ‘︎ 249
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingnottoofast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Appendix
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/swapy0498
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?

Because they aren't stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/znipershot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight

Too many cowlories.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My Wife is an Hour Late to Meet me at the Gym

I don't think we're going to workout afterall.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/delta-vs-epsilon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What weighs more 10 pounds of bricks or 10 pounds of feathers?

Feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoesMemories
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a big weight loss?

A mass murder

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VintageDavis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-KeyLime-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Red hot chili pepper weight

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it away a now.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?

There would be mass confusion

πŸ‘︎ 941
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.