Weight
π︎ 113
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︎ May 01 2021
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?
π︎ 14
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︎ Apr 17 2021
If my ceiling fan supported my weight...
....I'll never be bored again.
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Losing weight is a piece of cake
π︎ 17
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︎ Apr 27 2021
The key to losing weight is patience
So take your time and wait.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Rapid Weight Loss
I lost 200 lbs of ugly fat in only 3 months.
I got a divorce.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 24 2021
I invented a bouncing platform to help obese hobos lose weight.
I call it a Tramp o' Lean
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...
π︎ 14
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︎ Feb 17 2021
How do you determine the mass of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 25 2021
Why do weighted blankets calm you down?
Because compression is the opposite of tension!
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 16 2021
What do you call someone that got weight loss surgery?
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 13 2021
There are 3 men on a boat.
Each has a cigarette, but nothing to light it with.
So one man throws his cigarette into the water, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
π︎ 1k
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︎ May 13 2021
Loosing weight is a peice of cake!
Just donβt pick it up
Edit: piece I before E except after c
π︎ 15
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︎ Feb 10 2021
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 08 2021
I went to a weight loss seminar
π︎ 6
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︎ Mar 02 2021
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
π︎ 96
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.
I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".
π︎ 109
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight
There would be mass confusion
π︎ 9k
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︎ Mar 24 2021
I got banned from my local gym
I gues I just didn't work out
π︎ 1k
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︎ May 08 2021
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food
But I think it's a naan issue.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 20 2021
I really ought to start losing weight...
But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.
π︎ 58
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︎ Nov 02 2020
I donβt understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
π︎ 40
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Did you hear about Dolly Partonβs new weight loss coffee?
π︎ 20
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︎ Jan 12 2021
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?
Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.
π︎ 71
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︎ Nov 26 2020
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 17 2020
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the βGuess your weightβ booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.
He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 19 2021
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."
I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."
π︎ 11
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︎ Jan 23 2021
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 14 2020
I recently bought a decibel reader and it changed my life...
π︎ 11
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︎ May 15 2021
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Why donβt fish weight themselves?
They have their own scales.
π︎ 16
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︎ Dec 24 2020
What does a dead person do to lose weight?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 08 2021
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!
Turns out theyβve got loads of them!
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 05 2021
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
π︎ 19
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︎ Nov 13 2020
And Iβm sure he felt the burn too!
π︎ 5k
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
π︎ 249
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︎ Sep 13 2020
Appendix
π︎ 4k
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, Iβve heard theyβre the healthier alternatives.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?
Because they aren't stroganoff
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 08 2020
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight
π︎ 7
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︎ Oct 26 2020
My Wife is an Hour Late to Meet me at the Gym
I don't think we're going to workout afterall.
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 28 2021
What weighs more 10 pounds of bricks or 10 pounds of feathers?
Feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds
π︎ 106
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︎ Apr 22 2021
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
π︎ 5k
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︎ Dec 12 2019
What do you call a big weight loss?
π︎ 26
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︎ Sep 19 2020
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Red hot chili pepper weight
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it away a now.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jan 22 2021
What would happen if the USA switched from Pounds to Kilograms?
There would be mass confusion
π︎ 941
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︎ Feb 16 2021
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