Iโ€™ve just been helping a man wearing a black robe holding a scythe get the frost off of his car

I was de-icing with death

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TakenByKangAndKodos
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/communist_scumbag
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.

Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/theotherpurple
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 13 2016
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I didnโ€™t think I could ever pull off wearing a mustache

But Iโ€™ll admit itโ€™s really growing on me

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/retinapro
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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I saw a guy this morning wearing a black cloak and scraping the frost off his windscreen with a Scythe...

I was going to offer a hand but my wife told me it's not a good idea to de-ice with death

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/26326312
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.โ€
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/specklesinc
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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I went to a beach themed party wearing green and passed it off as a Kermit crab costume.

True story

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/live4lifelegit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2015
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Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but Iโ€™m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, โ€œConstipationโ€? Well it doesnโ€™t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said โ€œNo, doc, itโ€™s dis knee.โ€

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses donโ€™t cause reactions, after all.

Whatโ€™s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why canโ€™t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You donโ€™t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I canโ€™t stop reading books with female protagonists! Iโ€™m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fightโ€ฆ 21.

My friend told me, โ€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!โ€ So I said, โ€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!โ€

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bondโ€ฆ ionic bond. โ€œTaken, not shared.โ€ What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santaโ€™s sleigh cost? $0, itโ€™s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

Iโ€™m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, Iโ€™m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide Whatโ€™s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But thatโ€™s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kinjago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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Hospital Visit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.

Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hayeshilton
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 30 2020
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Dad jokes in real life.

Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. โ€œBut doesnโ€™t it rub off on the pajamas?โ€ asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.

โ€œYes,โ€ I said. โ€œItโ€™s a perpetual lotion machine.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jofish22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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My Vietnamese driver told me several riddles yesterday, do you know what they were?

First off a six-parter

  1. If there are 500 rocks on a plane and you throw one out, how many are left? A: 499
  2. How do you get an elephant into a fridge? This is a three part process A: open the door, put in the elephant, close the door.
  3. How do you get a giraffe into a fridge? This is a four part process A: open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.
  4. All the animals go to heaven for a meeting, but one can't come, why not? A: the giraffe, it's in the fridge.
  5. A weak old lady has to cross a river full of alligators, how does she get across? A: the alligators are at the meeting in heaven.
  6. As soon as the old lady gets across the river she dies, how? A: the rock fell on her head.

No 2 A real cool guy walks into a cafe. He wearing sunglasses, tidy haircut, but just a super cool guy all round. He orders a glass of condensed milk and puts it on his table. Next time the waitress walks past he asks for a glass of black coffee. Now he has a glass of milk and a glass of coffee next to each other, this guy is real cool. Next time the waitress walks past he orders a glass of ice. She's happy to do that for this dude because he is so cool. He mixes the milk and coffee with the ice and stirs with his little spoon. Looks good. The old man that owns the cafe walks up to him and says, 'I see your in the Navy". How did he know?

A: he was wearing a naval uniform.

Anyone know similar nonsense?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Patyboomba
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
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Went for the long con with my wife

I had a little mishap with a pruning saw in the yard and asked my wife to patch my finger up. She's a nurse, so I figured she'd dress my wound better than I could. She started off with cleaning up the cut with a betadine swab.
Wife: "This might sting a little bit."
Me: Yup. Yup that stings.
Wife: Sing a song. It'll take your mind off of it.
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to put on the red light, Those days are over you don't have to sell your body to the night..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "Roooooxanne, you don't have to wear that dress tonight, Walk the streets for money you don't care if it's wrong or if it's right..."
Wife: sideways look
Me: "You know who sings that, right?"
Wife: "Yeah, the Police."
Me: "Who and the Police?"
Wife: "Sting?"
Me: "Yes it does."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/capomatt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donโ€™t think theyโ€™ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donโ€™t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

โ€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, โ€˜The good news is..itโ€™ll feel better when it quits hurting.'โ€

Whatโ€™s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

โ€œIโ€™ll call you later!โ€- โ€œPlease donโ€™t do that. Iโ€™ve always asked you to call me Dad!โ€

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

โ€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: โ€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.โ€™โ€

โ€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, โ€˜No, just leave it in the carton!โ€™โ€

I got so angry the other day when I couldnโ€™t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book Iโ€™ve ever read, Iโ€™d say: โ€œWow, thatโ€™s coincidental.โ€

Iโ€™m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build itโ€™s house? Igloos it together.

โ€œMe: โ€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!โ€™ Dad: โ€˜Poof, Youโ€™re a sandwich!โ€™โ€

โ€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

โ€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyโ€™re all girls, otherwise theyโ€™d be uncles.โ€

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth โ€“ its pasteurized before you even see it

โ€œWhatโ€™s Forrest Gumpโ€™s password? 1forrest1โ€

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: โ€œDonโ€™t worry; this is a piece of cake.โ€ I said: โ€œNo, itโ€™s a math problem.โ€

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I donโ€™t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iโ€™m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit โžก

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/weeb123xD
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put on one just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Biono03
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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Who wears the pants

Just before his son got married, Dad decides itโ€™s time to, have the talk. He says โ€œ Son, 30 years ago when I married your mother. I knew I had to let it be known, who wears the pants in this family, and as soon as we got home, I took off my pants and tossed them to her to put on. To which she repliedโ€ I canโ€™t wear your pants.โ€ I told her โ€œ Thatโ€™s right and donโ€™t you ever forget it.โ€ Son decided to follow that advice because, his mom and dad have had an amazing marriage.... So,as soon as he and is new bride crossed the threshold. He sends her to the bed, takes his paints off, and tosses them to her. As if planned she saysโ€ I canโ€™t wear your pantsโ€. To which his reply wasโ€œ Thatโ€™s right and donโ€™t you forget it.โ€ As if turned on, she pulls her panties down really slow and then tosses them to him to put on. To which he replied โ€œI canโ€™t get in your panties.โ€ And the new bride boldly said โ€œ and if you donโ€™t change your attitude... You never will.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/12know2
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 25 2019
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I locked my keys in the car...

So I took off my pants, rolled them up and rubbed them on the car door. The car unlocked.

I'm so glad I was wearing my khaki trousers.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RangerZA
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 11 2017
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I was advised to post these here. I apologize in advance.

What did members of the Politburo wear to keep cool in the summer?

A: Lenin suits

What did the Soviet General Secretary say when he slipped and fell on ice in front of the Kremlin?

A: That'll leave a Marx!

What did the Commissar say to the workers on the collective farm when they slacked off?

A: Stop Stalin and get to work!

What did the Chinese President say when he stubbed his toe?

A: Mao! That hurts!

An officer in the Iranian army is talking to a subordinate.

The officer says, "Private, I think it's gonna rain."

The private says, "You think so, sir? The sky is completely clear and the sun is shining."

20 minutes later it starts to rain, a total deluge ensues.

The private says, "That was an amazing prediction, sir!. It did rain!"

The officer looks at the private, pats him on the shoulder and says, "Private, Ayatollah you so."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/crookedletter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Dadjoked my *now* ex-girlfriend while she was breaking up with me.

So, today my girlfriend broke up with me. To keep it short, we were together for a few month and everything happened really fast. Bla bla bla, she said something about how she always felt comfortable around me but never could develop any strong love feelings for me.

She: "This week I was thinking a lot about us, our relationship and future and I took off my 'cheesy being-in-love-glasses' Me: Well, I know you're still wearing your contacts..." (she actually did)

So I got that going for me which was nice. But now I'm sad.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Germerica
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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A new(ish) Dad and Nike

We have a one year old son who is learning to use a cup. Tonight he was on the porch, "drinking" some water wearing a new and adorable little Nike outfit. The shirt got soaked so I took it off and let him continue to "drink" from his cup. Well of course he eventually dumped it on the floor.

So Dad is sitting there and he tells me to "just wipe it up with the shirt".

I say "NO WAY! I'm not using this brand new Nike shirt to clean the floor!"

Dad responds with "Just Do itโ„ขโ€ฆ"

...and looked at me with a face like it was the most clever hysterical thing that has ever been uttered in human history.

Me and this poor kid have a long road ahead of us...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ketochos
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 30 2013
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Village Idiot Puns

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

  • โ€œI used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.โ€
  • โ€œI once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.โ€
  • โ€œI was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.โ€
  • โ€œI thought about being a witch for a spell.โ€
  • โ€œI tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.โ€
  • โ€œI was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.โ€
  • โ€œFor awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.โ€
  • โ€œI once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.โ€
  • โ€œI tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.โ€
  • โ€œMore recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.โ€
  • โ€œHeck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.โ€

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.โ€

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ason42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 85
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/malenkylizards
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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She still is down for a second date

Went on a date with a girl, and she was wearing a flannel shirt. She mentioned how her friends who are into fashion would kill her if they knew that she went on a first date in a flannel shirt.

I saw opportunity. I reached over, felt the arm and said, "this isn't flannel, is it felt?" She responds "No, I just said its Flannel" but I cut her off and said "IT IS NOW"

She didn't leave immediately, and we are going out again. Figured would let her know what she was getting into right away.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 48
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mhodesty
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2015
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Got my 6 year old

In the mail today we got out 1 year old Halloween costume. We tried it on her to make sure it fit. She was still wearing it when my 6 year old gets off the school bus. After seeing her sisters costume the older daughter asks "Did that just come today?" Without missing a beat I tell her "no, we had her just over a year ago." I got groans from the daughter, wife, and wife's mom who was on the phone at the time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 108
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/garfath
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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My 10-year-old daughter just got me.

Was on the phone with my ex-wife (her mom) discussing when she would pick up our daughter for visitation tomorrow and she (my ex) was telling me about a minor fender-bender she was in the other day.

She said she filed a police report since the other person drove off and I replied that she did the right thing to cover her ass, and my daughter pipes up: "that's because she's wearing pants, daddy!"

I have to be doing something right.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FoofaFighters
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
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Awkward joke on VP of Research

OK, I am meeting with the VP of Research about things he is responsible for that are not going great. He wants to help. I work in research, and he is definitely several pay grades higher than me. I shake his hand sit down, and notice he is wearing a Winnie the Pooh tie. So, I lead off the conversation with "Roger, I am not sure where you've been today, but it appears you got a little poo on your tie." He looked at his tie for long enough that I got worried that he didn't get it and had to explain...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/SimpleBen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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Losing shoes at the pool

My youngest daughter hates wearing shoes to the point where I hardly ever see them on her. As a result she often loses them. A few weekends ago my girlfriend dropped me and the kids off at the local outdoor pool so we could get some energy out before a long drive to see family. As expected my youngest barely made it out of the parking lot with her shoes on, and as soon as we hit the grass by the pool she kicked them off and we all ran into the water to play and stuff.

I looked up at that big incomprehensible clock they have at swimming pools and saw that we were running late for that long drive, so we fled the pool rushed around getting dressed, only to discover one ... one of her shoes was missing. I was like ... how the hell do you lose one shoe? So we looked all around, then we went to the lost and found. Strangely there were several other single shoes in the lost and found but not hers. We went back and I called her mom to see if we could swing by and grab a spare pair of shoes.

Some kid next to us overheard me on the phone and said, "Hey did you lose a shoe?" I said, " ... yeah ...?" He said, "Yeah I found it over here -- " pointing like 10 feet away -- " so I took it to the cashier's office." (not the lost and found). My oldest daughter, always helpful, ran to the cashier's office and got the shoe, and all was well! We were only about 20 minutes late. Afterwards I was pondering what I could have done to avoid all that and then it hit me. I just needed to make sure that after my kids take off their shoes they are all in one place.

In other words I had just failed to put shoe and shoe together.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/troyvit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 30 2017
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First time dad-joked a friend of mine.

So, last weekend I was on a two days village fair in our neighbourhood with the guys. On saturday, one of them complained about his feet still aching from wearing his new engineer boots the whole friday night AND how he even broke his boot jack at home while taking them off. Took the advantage and said: "Well, you seem to have some trouble with those shoes. Maybe we should send you to a boot camp." Groan

๐Ÿ‘︎ 83
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ummagumma26
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
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My Dad's signature longform joke

My Dad loves to tell this joke when he meets new people. When he met my fiance, I led him into it and he took the bait seamlessly.

"I went out to check my mail and saw my neighbor mowing his lawn. As I was going back inside, I heard the mower mess up and him screaming. I ran over and saw he had run over his foot. It was terrible, he had been wearing flip flops. His big toe was cut off and his foot was very bloody. I immediately called 911, then yelled for my wife to help. I used my shirt to wrap up his bloody foot up and saw that his big toe was lying a few feet away in the grass clippings. I told my wife to bring me our cooler with an ice pack, then I put the toe in the cooler. A few minutes later the ambulance arrived, and they rushed him off to the hospital. I was quite relieved but as I turned to go back inside, I realized the EMTs forgot the cooler."

At this point he pauses for a long time, and the listener invariably cries, "What did you do!?"

He takes a moment, and calmly responds, 'Well, I called a tow truck!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 103
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/budgeroo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Last minute costume idea, for the dad who wants to get the groans.

Wear beach cloths and draw sin/cos plots over your body. Congratulations, you are "showing off your tan lines"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/stubborn_man
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2016
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My wife thought she was so clever

Was out at dinner with my wife. We were seated outside since it wasn't that cold. As we were seating, a lady with an awesome steampunk themed tattoo walked by. Unfortunately she was also wearing a top that showed off her cleavage.

SO: What are you looking at?

Me: Her tattoo, look it's awesome.

SO: HA! Yeah more like you're looking at her TITS-TWO!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 38
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bopodogo
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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Made the class laugh with this one

So my English teacher is originally from India and we were talking about Sarees, those India dresses and my teacher says:

"I brought 6 Sarees into Portugal and I feel very sad about the fact that I never seem to find the opportunity to wear them."

And I respond:

"Oh.. I'm Saree to hear that."

Only one of my classmates undestood it off the bat, the others had a slow but explosive reaction.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/BFF_With_Nick_Cage
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 17 2016
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Got an actual facepalm from the wife today!

So we were driving downtown and there was a manikin standing in front of a second hand clothing store with a "50% off" sign around its neck.

"She's not wearing any pants!" said my wife.

"Well it says right on the sign there's half off today..."

A facepalm and audible groan ensued. I may not be a dad yet but I'm going to be ready.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Monsterpiece42
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
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Here's a long one, it won't disappoint.

My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):

These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.

whoosh

whoosh

whoosh

The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.

"What the hell is that noise?"

"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."

"The Foo bird?"

"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."

"That's silly."

"Well, that's what the locals say."

The noise gets louder and closer.

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.

"It's huge!"

Suddenly...

SPLAT

All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.

The first of the three men says, "that's got to be a coincidence."

He wipes the shit off, and drops dead.

The second guy nervously says, "it can't be true"

He wipes it off and drops dead.

The third guy doesn't wipe it off. He was found a few days later, and went home, refusing to be cleaned.

A few years pass, his life has been destroyed due to being covered in shit. His wife left him, his friends won't come near him, he can't find a job... One day, he's in the bathroom shaving around the shit.

"It's been years, most of it has flaked off, it's probably fine to wipe it off now."

He hesitates, but eventually grabs a towel, wets it down, and takes a deep breath.

He wipes the shit off, looks up into the mirror smiling, then drops dead.

The moral of the story is:

If the Foo shits, wear it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 17
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/fire_marshall_ill
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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So there are these twins in my calculus class...

So in my calculus class last year in math, there were these two Chinese twins. Ving, and Ling. Ving was always super cool with me. In exchange for answers (he was super smart) I would hang out with him and be his friend and stuff. After I cheated off of him and studied with him though, I did get to be his friend and we got very close.

His sister, Ling, was always uptight about school and she made sure to study, she got stressed about a B, etc. One day I was hanging out with Ving, and we started talking about names. He went off on this huge rant about how he hated his, and how he wanted to change it to something more Asian-American, like Lee. I told him that the Courthouse downtown had a form that you could fill to legally change it. He told me: "I always give you answers. If you could just drive me down to the courthouse this one time, I will never forget you. I just hate this god-forsaken Chinese name and I want to get rid of it forever."

He seemed pretty adamant about it, so I decided the best decision would be to take him. We walked out to my car, and right as I put the keys in the ignition Ling came running and tapped on the car door like a madman. I rolled it down and she started freaking out about how Ving's name had been passed down through generations and generations, but Ving didn't care. He just wanted to go down to the Courthouse and get it over with.

Ling figured that coming with would be the best idea, so if anything else came up that she would be needed for, she would be there for Ving. Honestly, I felt stuck in the middle of a family feud, so I just took her along. When we got to the Courthouse, Ving confidently walked up to the front desk and asked the receptionist if he could change his name. She gave him a little packet of paper and told him to sit down. Ling and I waited patiently while Ving filled out his info. I was watching him fill it out and I noticed he really did want to change his name to Lee.

Before he finished, though, he started tearing up. He told me he couldn't change his name. He asked the lady at the front that he couldn't do it, and she told him he would need twenty dollars to cancel the request. Ling was so relieved and happy that he changed his mind, she dug through her purse, found the money, and started to hand it to the receptionist.

It was at this moment that the most stereotypical Asian man burst through the doors. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt, a visor, American flag shorts, flip flops, everything. This

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/unknown_name
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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Dad-joked my boyfriend as he was trying to initiate le sexy time.

Him: take off your clothes Me: What if I don't? Him: then I'll take off your clothes Me: why are you wearing my clothes?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hulahoop12
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2014
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Got my wife at the liquor store

In my hometown liquor store there is a big sign on the door "take your hoods off" meaning the take the hood on your jacket off of your head so they can see your face. My jacket I was wearing has a removable hood, so I unzipped my hood and carried it with me. My wife didn't find it anywhere as funny as I did.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bigsaskatuna
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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A favorite of my dads: "You know what really burns my ass?!"

He'll say this while looking straight at me, with a stern look on his face. Frightened, I ask "What?" whilst trying to remember wear I did to piss him off so bad.

He holds his hand at ass-level, grins: "A flame about this high."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/apopheniac1989
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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Dadjoked my co-worker today

I'm wearing a Thundercats t shirt, and right before i left, this exchange took place

"Is that a Thundercats shirt?"

pulls off safety vest to reveal awesome Thundercats shirt

"That is an awesome Thundercats shirt. You're pretty young though, wouldn't have thought you'd have seen it on tv"

"Yeah, I just caught the tail end of it."

cracks goofy smile

He just chuckled and facepalmed then walked away.

I've used this one many times, never gets old.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wigwam2323
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didnโ€™t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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A girl told me to take off her shirt and skirt

Then she told me to take off her heels and bra, then she told me to take her panties off. And then she told me to stop wearing her clothes

๐Ÿ‘︎ 51
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/yuri-123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itโ€™s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itโ€™s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Thereโ€™s a new type of broom out, itโ€™s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels canโ€™t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itโ€™s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldnโ€™t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 79
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Josvys
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I'm still quite invested

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so i could say "vest day ever" like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xdnewlun
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
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My Dad is doing some body work on the car, little did I know...

So I get dropped off at home by my girlfriend, and as I walk to the house I see my Dad doing some bodywork on the car.

Me: Hey Dad, how's it going?

Dad: Pretty good, you? Just doing a bit of painting

Me: How many coats have you put on?

Dad: I'm wearing a t-shirt

Me: ...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 64
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Moncion
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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