What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaxinit2020
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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My wife asked if people wearing camo was big when I was in school.

Told her if they did, I didn’t see them.

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Im not wearing glasses anymore

I've seen enough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeKingCheez
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Santa's wife, wearing a skimpy outfit : How do I look?

Santa: Hoe hoe hoe.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EncryptedSage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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A man walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap

The psychiatrist said, "I can clearly see your nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MSchmahl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Why can't you hide while wearing polka dots?

Because you'll always be spotted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICWhatsNUrP
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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I opened my radiator to find a lone insect, wearing sunglasses and a leather jecket. It said. "ayyyy!"

It was a cool ant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Why do people argue about wearing masks?

They worry about losing face.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Trump spotted in France wearing a trashy outfit
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GabrielsCake
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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Why does Santa avoid wearing masks?

Because he is Claus-trophobic!

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

Spec-tater.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
He’s wearing sun glasses v.redd.it/mk9all0oyhu51
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S0UPFATHER
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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A man wearing a tie fastner walks into the bar.

The barman says, "We don't like your tie pin here. "

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I was in a bar in Texas, when a man walks in wearing a paper cowboy hat, a paper shirt, paper jeans,paper chaps and paper boots.

Anyway, the sheriff burst in and arrested him for rustling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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My friend asked me why I was wearing a lamp shade over my face.

I replied, β€œBecause I am feeling light headed.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Magneto stop wearing his purple suit?

Because the days of fuchsia past

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Why is the dairy cow so confident wearing shorts?

Because she had a nice pair of calves.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HueyLameass
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
So this guy goes hunting with his friend and his friend asks why he is wearing pink camo

He answered, well i went to the camo store and this was the only thing that stood out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sentient_potato1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What do you call a fish wearing a tie

Sofishticated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/harvest86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I need to start wearing a diaper when I go to Vegas...

It’s always just a matter of time until craps ruin my day

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vanillathunda1989
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"

Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"

Her: "Its me."

Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"

Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"

My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/someredditorguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icebucketwood
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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My sister said I looked like a German composer and musician of the Baroque period, especially when wearing my powdered wig... So I changed everything and it changed my life!

I haven't looked Bach since!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the military insist on wearing a uniform?

To minimise casual tees

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/severus_snape9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
It took me months to forgive my science teacher for wearing this to school.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotooFace
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I work at the mall as Santa Claus during Christmas. I'm wearing the costume for most of the day, but sometimes my colleague takes my place while I take a break

I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MokshK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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What do dad jokes have in common with not wearing a mask?

People get sick of it but they still do it

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkJT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I just saw a lady in a video who just handled honey bees and moved their home without wearing any gloves or equipment...

I guess she’s just studied their beehiveior enough to know what she’s doing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluepunchbuggy626
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is returning to the office and thus has to go back to wearing work outfits. One of her complaints was that wearing a bra was such a drag...

I’ve always found them to be very uplifting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rscott1691
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Why did the mermaid start wearing sea shells?

She grew out of her B shells

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πŸ‘€︎ u/potatogamer555
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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What do you call a snake that isn't wearing clothes?

Snaked!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baquea
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
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I told my barista I didn't think he should be wearing a face mask. 'I'm not', he said,...

'it's a coughy filter.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mish106
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"

I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyOfAus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Are you currently wearing a face mask and glasses to work?

You may be eligible for condensation.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackmytoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a midget wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "I hate black people" on it...

I thought to myself... "that's a little racist"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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I went to a christening where the priest was wearing glasses, a fake nose, fake moustache and a wig...

It was a blessing in disguise

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Londoner1982
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I wouldn't suggest wearing them swimming though
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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My young cousin showed me a stuffed lion wearing a tux.

Told me it’s a β€œdandy-lion”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHarcade
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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While living alone and always wearing a mask in public, I grew a mustache without anyone knowing.

It’s my secret β€˜stache.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kfizzle217
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.

I said, well, they do have the same genes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zion2199
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
As a chubby guy, I always avoid wearing skinny jeans.

I find it extremely difficult to pull it off.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Ever since the pandemic started, I’ve been wondering why my food delivery drivers have all been wearing glasses.

I had forgotten that contactless delivery was required.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-T-P
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office?

”I can clearly see you're nuts....”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mefingers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to my therapist's office wearing only saran wrap

He said " I can clearly see your nuts"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustINCREDyble
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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