Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
TIL: Two elephants of the same herd won’t go into the same body of water together at the same time.
It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
I’m reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. They’ve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just can’t-elope
Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?
What do you call two people looking at the same thing at different times?
If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
In these hard times of 2020, I know two things you can always count on,
A calculator and an abacus....
Original joke time! The apples I had to remove the peals from all appeared in twos, matched for use together.
What do you call two Egyptian guys farting at the same time?
I remember the first time I bolted two things together with metal fasteners.
That was a riveting experience.
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady.
[Based on a true story!]
I dated two girls at the same time in high school.
Kate and Edith. They both found out pretty quick... taught me a good lesson... You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
From the 2020 SAT, geometry section: A farmer is welding parts in his barn. He wants to cut four bars of equal length from two lengths of iron rebar measuring 16 feet, 8 inches and 5 feet, 10 inches. How much material will be discarded? Bonus: where will the rebar, once welded, go for a good time?
If you missed the special NYE this time, just wait for two years.
Because 2022 is 2020, too.
What do you call two Corgis that violate the laws of space-time?
What do you call it when you dip two celery sticks in ranch at the same time?
Two windmills are standing in a field. Wanting to pass the time in conversation one turns to the other and asks "What kind of music do you like?"
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
Two Egyptian kings fart at the same time. How are they similar?
They have a Pharoah toot in common.
I just had two colleagues play "Bicycle Race" by Queen at the same time.
I told them it was nice to hear them working in tandem with each other.
What do you get when Hitler doesn't lie, then lies once, then again, then two more times, then three times, then five, then eight, then thirteen times?
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
My wife had two crowns put on her teeth yesterday. She was complaining about the pain and the dentist gave her some medication for it. We are talking later and she said that she waited too long between the first and second pill and her teeth started to ache again. I asked her what time that was.
She said she didn't remember.
I asked her if it was around tooth hurty!
She got mad and hit me in the arm and stopped talking to me for a while.
Totally worth it.
Do you know why you never see two doctors in the same place/time?
You never see it because it would be a pair o' docs. (Paradox)
What do people say when two hippies are killed at the same time at a shirt factory?
That time I beat my dad at his own game. In the middle of a heated lecture about not joining my friends' shenanigans, dad said, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
"Two Wrights do make an airplane."
"I'm proud of you. You're still grounded though."
Imagine the Russian Empire having two heads of state at the same time...
that would be real bizarre.
Two guys working as movers are short on time for their job and one guy is taking to many breaks.
“Quit STALLIN and start PUTIN things in the truck. We’re RUSSIAN over here.”
Three times is one two many
Saw a monkey trying to stuff two bananas in its mouth at the same time. Thought it was odd.
Why do Latinos cross the border two at a time?
'Cause they see a sign that reads, No Tres Passing.
My dad uses these two jokes every time he drives past a cemetery.
"Wow! People must be dying to get in there."
Or
DAD: "What did one dead person say to another?"
ME: "What?"
DAD: "....................................."
ME: "Seriously, what did he say?"
DAD: "......................................"
ME: "OHHHHHHHH, I get it."
If two online friends meet each other first time in real world in disco club...
... can we say that they disconnected?
In the time honored tradition, President Trump pardoned two turkeys this Thanksgiving.
Trump Jr and Eric were mighty relieved.
What time is it when you can buy tea for two dollars?
Bicycles have a hard time staying up because they're just two tired
What do you call two embarrassing things that happen at the same time?
A cowincedence. Ha... hahaha... hahaaaaa I'm sorry.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
What do you call it when two ancient Egyptians fart at the same time?
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have one pair of trunks.
What do you call it when two Egyptians fart at the same time?
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