He was tucking in his shirt after the microphone was attached why ?

He talks from his ass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaggedSolid6
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucille68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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I tuck my suitcase into bed at night.

I rest my case...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Who tucked King Tut to sleep?

His mummy

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tH1CCDeNs3B01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Well I mean I would be mad...
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxDr-Beckyxx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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Before I tucked my son into bed, I told him how proud I am of him, and that he is the second best son in the world.

Him: second best?

Me: yeah, I'm still the best son. But you're doing great, too.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Litpunk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
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My sister always gets mad whenever I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

I’m sorry but that’s how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darraghq16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
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My dad used to tell us jokes and puns while he walked us up the stairs to tuck us in to bed as kids.

I just found out 15 years later he always thought of them as β€œAscents of Humor” AND I AM SO INCREDIBLY PRISSED (proud/pissed) THAT HIS BEST WORK WENT UNSHARED WITH ME FOR SO LONG!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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My mom used to tuck me in when I was a kid....

Man, she really wanted a daughter

πŸ‘︎ 289
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kengrizzly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2017
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Sometimes i tuck my head between my legs

It’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
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Every day I squat down, tuck my head between my knees and lean forward.

That's how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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I told my son he should tuck a ruler beneath his pillow...

It's good to know how long you sleep.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeopoldLoeb
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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I miss the time where i was free

then i turned four.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Closerangel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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A friend of mine was telling me about her first day working at a zoo...

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions β€œso what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

β€œActually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SidB_22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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My wife beat me at my own game today

Wife: Hey, I came up with an idea. Bed sheets that have one big pocket at the bottom to tuck your legs into so they never get cold. I'll call them... "Feeted" Sheets.

Me: wiping tear from eye Perfection.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/backwardskneesman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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The gunslinger walks through the saloon doors...

and he just stands there, surveying the assemblage as the room goes quiet. And suddenly he yells, "All you dirty bastards, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"

And the crowd rushing the exists raises a cloud of dust, obscuring vision. When it settled, the gunslinger notices one little wizened old man tucked in a corner beside the piano. The gunslinger walks over, his spurs making a small jingling sound. He stands in front of the still-seated old man. "WELL?," he demands.

The old man looks up earnestly into the gunslinger's face, "Sure was a lot of 'em, wasn't ther?".

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shagata_Ganai
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
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My wife deserves a hand

My toddler runs up to my wife, tucks his hand into his sleeve, and says "Mommy look! My hand is gone!" To which she replies, "Oh no! Looks like we have to go to the second hand store!"

πŸ‘︎ 228
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProbablyPuck
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2016
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My wife said she wanted her whisky neat.

So before I gave it to her I made sure I combed my hair and tucked my shirt in.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2018
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Just dadjoked my wife...

Wife: here's $20. Spend it however you want.

Me: I'll use it to buy sex... Are you free tonight?

Wife: why yes I am! Hehehe

Me: well if you're free tonight [tucks bill in wallet] I can hang on to this for another day! #... When women become mothers, they gain the ability of super hearing, and being able to detect danger.

When men become fathers, we develop to pass amazingly corny jokes and punchlines out of our mouth before our brain even realizes it's happening.

πŸ‘︎ 370
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wardrich
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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Guy with a black eye

So his friend says what happened. Well, I was at church and we were all singing when I noticed the large woman in front of me, her dress was tucked between her butt cheeks. So I reached down below her butt, grabbed the fabric and pulled the fabric out. She turned around and lambasted me in the eye. OK says the friend, but how come both eyes are black? So then she turned back around and I thought wow, she must want it tucked back in

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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My dad’s version of β€œThe Night Before Christmas”

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannonBall7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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When I tell my dad "I'm just hanging out."

Dad-"Well, you'd better tuck yourself back in."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NextGenBacon
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
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Teenage Jesus won't go to bed.

Mary, Mother of Jesus, is trying to get her son to go to bed and is having no luck. She decides to pray to God to help her in her task. She asks "Dear God, our blessed child is restless and just won't stay tucked into bed, will you help me?" God sighs and addresses Jesus "My son, please listen to your mother and get some rest." To which Jesus responds "No way, Dad!" God grins and replies "Yaweh!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bcrusebandman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2015
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My girlfriend was trying to help me make the bed...

She's rather short and couldn't quite tuck the covers in on the far side of the bed. I made a comment about her height and she responds with:

"It's not my fault. It's out of my control."

"I understand, it's a problem that is out of your reach."

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSupaHotFire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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[Request] Need dad-quality puns!

Hello fathers and fellow lovers of dadjokes! I am in need of your collective wit. You see, my friends did not get the hint that it was a bad idea to do this last time, and yet have foolishly asked me to house sit for them again. I've decided to prank them again (because I'm a wonderful friend), and this time I am turning their house into a house of puns. I need puns I can practically make. Here are a couple examples:

"While you guys were out I think your milk went bad..." draw on milk carton a bandanna, scruff, and a gun tucked into its logo

Move any of their jars in front of their bedroom door.

A map starting from their router.

Things like that. They have a pool, two labs, but otherwise have a pretty standard living arrangement. However, I don't want to mess with their computers as their occupations have some sensitive materials on them.

I struggled with what sub to reach out too with this post, so thank you all who reddit. You're fantastic folk, the lot of you!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ser_Capelli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2016
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I often stay up later than my husband.

So he asked me to come tuck him in...

I asked "Why, are you sticking out?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gaz0rpaz0rpfield
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
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Every Sunday dinner!

At my house, whenever we have chicken for Sunday dinner just before we all tuck in he says. "I've done the chicken a little rare this time" - then chuckles to himself for a while.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NickNickNick89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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Sometimes I tuck my knees up into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yankee9Niner
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Sometimes i tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

Thats just how i roll

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shamudawhale51
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That’s how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That’s just how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Master-Salamander
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Sometime I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

But that's just how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiur
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/going_placidly
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2019
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Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest..

But that’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackthreadpress
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Tuck in my chin, pull my knees to my chest and lean forward.

That's how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haymalb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corn_n_potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2018
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Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward...

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/St_Berry
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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Sometimes I tuck my knees against my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemigodRob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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