I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self...
Suture self" I said
Fine. Suture self.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
"Fine," i said. "Suture self."
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
Talking to her dad about pumpkin cheesecake cookies
Friend: "They are here for a limited time only." Her dad: "Well yeah of course once you eat them they are gone."
Out to lunch with a friend when he noticed a button was coming lose from his jacket.
Me: "you should learn how to sew, I've saved so much..."
Him: "so many"
Me: "yes, I do sew many clothes"
I'm calling it Suture Self.
Shit. Wrong thread.
He is such a LED-back person.
He's fully recovered
They're my quilty pleasure
He'll leave you in stitches.
They called it "Snitches get stitches"
You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.
It was replete with pleats.
I was de-pleated.
He is fully recovered.
He leaves his patients in stitches
The ThRed Cross.
The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.
"Fine then. Suture self."
oops, wrong thread...
She seams nice
Guess that was my last stitch effort.
Oops, wrong thread!
Someone must've said something funny because everyone was in stitches
They were all in stitches
They'd let her lie low and stitch.
This joke had my mum in stitches!
So we're at a T-shirt shop when he looks over at the tank tops. Grandpa: Must be an awfully small tank if that's the top for it.
He came away fully recovered.
He is in stitches as we speak.
Is she fast at stitching clothes or something?
Does that make you a guardian of the Galaxy. My kid was in stitches when he told us this one.
It will be called, Tailor Swift.
He likes to leave everyone in stitches.
This morning my son was about to put on his socks.
I: -wait, are there holes in your socks?
Son: -Yes, of course! Or else i wouldn't be able to get my fot into them. *holds up socks for me to see while extending hole at the top with fingers.
Me: -Hmrp... *sectretly feeling proud.
...is sew funny, she always has me in stitches.
I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.
Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...
So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."
Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."
The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.
Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.
Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to caus... keep reading on reddit ➡
They were already in stitches.
Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...
Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.
Back when I was maybe 14, I was sitting out on the front porch of my grandmother's house with "the guys," AKA my cousin, his dad/my uncle, and my dad. It was wickedly hot and there were a few annoying flies buzzing around. We were just sitting quietly, taking in the afternoon. Out of nowhere, my uncle, a big guy with a deep, gravelly voice says, "Time's fun when you're having flies." The rest of us were in stitches, it was so clever and dumb at the same time.
Well, she does suit him.
So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.
The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.
I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"
Doctor says "Of course."
I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."
The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"
I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."
My dad says "buttons".
...sew he went to the hospital. Since his life was hanging by a thread, the doctors decided that they'd use a blanket method to help him out: stitches. Warms my heart to say that he's all patched up now.
They had everyone in stitches!
Not in our house as we have a fabric clock, and as everyone knows, a stitch in time saves nine.
What did the doctor say to the kid that didn't want stitches?
I told the doctor I could do the stitches on my own. He said, "Suture self."
Day breaks and night falls.
"You don't know how many seconds are in a year off the top of your head? 12. Jan2 feb2 ....."
"Today and Tomorrow...."
These two got laid on me by the chef at my work cafeteria. The cashier aka crazy Lisa was in stitches making him tell everyone.
What did the doctor say to the man who refused stitches? ... "Suture self" any thoughts?
they were all cross-stitched
You'll sew be left in stitches.
I told my son that I gathered all of my watches and carefully stitched them together to make a belt. He said, "Really?". I replied, "Yeah, it turned out to be a complete waist of time." My wife groaned from the next room over.
Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...
"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"
"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"
"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"
I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...
She put in an extra stitch.
...and in the O.R. they were putting on her monitor around her ankle and my wife, who is still getting stitched up, says "She's just like her Daddy, she's already got her first ankle monitor"
Me: It’s sew easy!
My Husband: It’s not very sewphisticated!...Do my puns have you in stitches? I’m laughing so hard I’m bobbin my head back and forth.
My Dad: Are you starting to see a pattern here?
At dinner, my mom was telling us a story of one of her kids (she works as a teacher) and how she accidentally sewed some string into her pants. This followed:
Me: Wow, that's sew funny!
Dad: Needle-less to say, I hope she was alright
Me: You have a point there
I don't believe anything else was said after that
Dad says, "it pays to advertise"
His dry delivery had me in stitches. Best part is when mom said "you've heard that before, he's been telling that joke for 30 years"
My dad "your mom was laughing so hard, she was in stitches"
A while back, a coworker of mine cut herself on a meat slicer. She went to the er and got her hand stitched up. She messaged me that she had to get a tetanus shot, but her phone auto corrected to "Tetris shot". I told her to make sure to get a Pac-man shot while she was there. She asked her doctor for one and he was very confused, and she was very embarrassed. My best one yet.
When I was in college, I was riding my bicycle and got hit by a car. I had to get some stitches and my nose re-broken, but nothing too serious. When I got out, I called my dad and told him...
>Me: I got hit by a car today...
>Dad: Holy &^%$, are you okay?
>Me: I'm okay, just a little run down.
Directly copied the text from her email:
I know that seeing my dad walk in the door with his foot in a cast my initial reaction should NOT have been to start giggling uncontrollably.....but that's what I do. It's even worse when I hurt myself, especially if it's a ton of pain, people think I've gone in shock or I'm a bit loopy because I'm usually in stitches.
I thought she might have done it accidentally, until it was followed up with a "ba-dum-chhh"
My father-in-law had a hernia surgery and was updating people on how he was feeling on Facebook.
He finished by saying, "My doctor is a real joker...he left me in stitches."
He keeps me in stitches!
toughest ten we ever fought.
that was one that my dad used to tell that would make me groan that basically left me in stitches when I remembered it years later.
Me and my family were travelling in the car on a long journey; everyone was falling asleep and bored out of their minds, until: Dad: What a pile of shite... Me: What is? Dad: That pile of shite over there. We were all in stitches laughing for a good 10 minutes.
Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.
Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.
My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."