What do you say when someone wants to stitch their own wound?

Suture self!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steelkamote
πŸ“…︎ May 13
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The other day I walked into my son's room and found him with an open first aid kit, preparing to stitch up a cut on his forearm.

I told him to stop and that I would take him to the doctor for a more rofessional job. He told me he wanted to do it as he was working on his first aid merit badge for the boy scouts. So I said, "Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danno49
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
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Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?

Me: No, thanks.

Nurse: Fine. Suture self...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamSchrute25
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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At the surgery this bloke told me "I don't trust you to stitch my wound" "

Suture self" I said

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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My latest cross stitch creations
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πŸ‘€︎ u/captaindjnoodles
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.

He replied β€œOkay, suture self”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timismickis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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I was about to stitch up her wound but she insisted she do it herself.

"Fine," i said. "Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkStar42024
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Two doctors are out hiking and the first one trips and cuts his knee pretty badly on a rock. The second doctor says, "That looks pretty bad. Want me to stitch that up for you?" The first doctor says, "Nah, I got it."

The second doctor responds, "Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bruce_lees_ghost
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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Stitch N Bitch
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UNLArchitect
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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The other day I had a patient who didn’t want to let me stitch up his laceration. Well fine...

Suture self

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πŸ‘€︎ u/essjayhawk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
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My friends dad is quite the stitch.

Talking to her dad about pumpkin cheesecake cookies

Friend: "They are here for a limited time only." Her dad: "Well yeah of course once you eat them they are gone."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Highest_Five
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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My new punny cross stitch. imgur.com/5PZKIdz
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tara6jade
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2015
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A stitch in time

Out to lunch with a friend when he noticed a button was coming lose from his jacket.

Me: "you should learn how to sew, I've saved so much..."

Him: "so many"

Me: "yes, I do sew many clothes"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cactaur_jack
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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I’m really into stitching food puns now! πŸ˜πŸ•β˜ΊοΈ
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/needleynat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
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My sister cross stitched this for me for Christmas.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/technologik14
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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I invented an at home kit for giving yourself stitches.

I'm calling it Suture Self.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MysticalTroll_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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What did the doctor say to his patient that wanted to do his own stitches?

Suture self.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
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My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.

Shit. Wrong thread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
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I was in A&E with a bad cut. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said β€œsuture self”.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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My friend always wears this jacket which has LED lights stitched onto the back.

He is such a LED-back person.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pabesh17
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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Did you here about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSketchiest
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
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I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....

They're my quilty pleasure

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lokimonoxide
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
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Never go to a doctor who does standup comedy on the side.

He'll leave you in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prendrefeu
πŸ“…︎ May 30
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A warden implemented a policy to only allow medical assistance to inmates that previously cooperated

They called it "Snitches get stitches"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOtherHoboBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 18
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Pro Tip: If you have a gashed wound, it is cheaper to go to a comedy club than the emergency room.

You just pay the cover charge and they'll have you in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cozykinkajou
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
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I once went to work drunk and put too many double or multiple folds in a garment or other item made of cloth, held by stitching at the top or side.

It was replete with pleats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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I got fired from my job of making a double or multiple fold in a garment or other item made of cloth, held by stitching the top or side.

I was de-pleated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
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Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?

He is fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_on
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
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DdI you hear about the world’s funniest doctor?

He leaves his patients in stitches

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_of_nerds77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
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What organization is best at helping people with all of their sewing and stitching projects?

The ThRed Cross.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sr_ChalupaBatman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2018
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A chef cut himself and went to the emergency room...

The nurses patched him in triage and after a long wait, the doctor called him in. "You'll take about eight stitches and be on your way." The chef replied, "I can tell you're all very busy here, so just hand me the needle and I'll be on my way." The doctor looked by turns insulted, annoyed and dismissive.

"Fine then. Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scarecrow53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
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I need help with my sewing

oops, wrong thread...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epicgamerjoshy67
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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I've got a date with a woman form the sewing machine factory.

She seams nice

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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I sat down to sew and wouldntchayknow it, the machine is broken.

Guess that was my last stitch effort.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.

Oops, wrong thread!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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I was in the Surgery Dept. the other day

Someone must've said something funny because everyone was in stitches

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weebs_are_weird
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Did you hear the one the Doctor told all his patients who were recovering from surgery?

They were all in stitches

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themoreidont
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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A title
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Why did the outlaw tailor seek sanctuary at Disneyland?

They'd let her lie low and stitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/such_hpn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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What’s a seamstress’s favorite beverage?

SEWda

This joke had my mum in stitches!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlissedIgnorance
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/matrose9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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Grandpa had me in stitches with this one.

So we're at a T-shirt shop when he looks over at the tank tops. Grandpa: Must be an awfully small tank if that's the top for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Racist_President
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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Did you hear about the man who fell in the upholstery machine?

He came away fully recovered.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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I feel bad for the guy laughing in the operating room

He is in stitches as we speak.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Who is Taylor Swift?

Is she fast at stitching clothes or something?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonham_Starr
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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If you work security at Samsung

Does that make you a guardian of the Galaxy. My kid was in stitches when he told us this one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OZBigfoott
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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I'm going to open a clothing alteration shop that focuses on doing all jobs within an hour.

It will be called, Tailor Swift.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2016
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I have a friend who's a surgeon that moonlights as a comedian

He likes to leave everyone in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
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Tried to Dadjoke my four year old, got outsmarted.

This morning my son was about to put on his socks.

I: -wait, are there holes in your socks?

Son: -Yes, of course! Or else i wouldn't be able to get my fot into them. *holds up socks for me to see while extending hole at the top with fingers.

Me: -Hmrp... *sectretly feeling proud.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2rgeir
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2014
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My seamstress friend

...is sew funny, she always has me in stitches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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What do you call a person who makes clothings really fast?

Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thanhjas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
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What do you say to a girl with a broken nose?

I broke my nose in a really stupid horse-related accident in Montana.

Dad takes me to the local walk-in clinic. It's mostly empty, as it's around 7pm. As we're giving the insurance information and whatnot to the receptionist, Dad is busy doing that thing where he's texting without his cheaters so he's having to squint and hold the phone away and he's really not paying attention to some question the receptionist is asking...

So I whack him on the arm (with a towel held to my face) and say "Dad, pay attention."

Unblinking, he turns in my direction, without even looking directly at me, he mutters "Shut up, or I'll hit you again."

The receptionist was not pleased. He told the same joke to the doctor who stitched me up, and he laughed his ass off.

Actually, dad cracked so many jokes that the doctor kept having to pause while stitching up my nose. He took so long that the anesthetic wore off and I could definitely feel the last few stitches.

Dr: "Now sir, the stitches are going to caus

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wanderingstar625
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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I thought about cracking a joke to my wife’s sewing club, but decided against it.

They were already in stitches.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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An email exchange with my Dad after a trip to the ER...

Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...

Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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Flies

Back when I was maybe 14, I was sitting out on the front porch of my grandmother's house with "the guys," AKA my cousin, his dad/my uncle, and my dad. It was wickedly hot and there were a few annoying flies buzzing around. We were just sitting quietly, taking in the afternoon. Out of nowhere, my uncle, a big guy with a deep, gravelly voice says, "Time's fun when you're having flies." The rest of us were in stitches, it was so clever and dumb at the same time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wafflesareforever
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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My son said he is marrying his girlfriend, who is a tailor.

Well, she does suit him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cludwig15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
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I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruceWaynesWorld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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When someone says an idle "so..."

My dad says "buttons".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DVMyZone
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2016
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A quilt seriously injured himself playing rugby...

...sew he went to the hospital. Since his life was hanging by a thread, the doctors decided that they'd use a blanket method to help him out: stitches. Warms my heart to say that he's all patched up now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/refusalskills
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
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Did you hear about the fashion designer and the nurse that did a comedy show together?

They had everyone in stitches!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawless_7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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7 8 9

Not in our house as we have a fabric clock, and as everyone knows, a stitch in time saves nine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2017
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The dishwasher at work told me this one:

What did the doctor say to the kid that didn't want stitches?

Suture self.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2015
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I cut my finger the other day...

I told the doctor I could do the stitches on my own. He said, "Suture self."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewciferCDXX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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Why is Father Time always in a cast?

Day breaks and night falls.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fine-rusty-knife
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2016
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Twofer: How many seconds are in a year? Besides Tuesday and Thursday what other days start with T?

"You don't know how many seconds are in a year off the top of your head? 12. Jan2 feb2 ....."

"Today and Tomorrow...."

These two got laid on me by the chef at my work cafeteria. The cashier aka crazy Lisa was in stitches making him tell everyone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/limberbutton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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My roommate made this one up (she doesn't know how to post)

What did the doctor say to the man who refused stitches? ... "Suture self" any thoughts?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jebisjo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2012
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My aunt taught me to do religious scenes in needlepoint when i was young.

they were all cross-stitched

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kneescotts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
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Bear with the ins and outs of this needle and thread joke.

You'll sew be left in stitches.

Edit: phrasing

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tatjewed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2016
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Earned some dad cred this morning

I told my son that I gathered all of my watches and carefully stitched them together to make a belt. He said, "Really?". I replied, "Yeah, it turned out to be a complete waist of time." My wife groaned from the next room over.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dexreddit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
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Pulled off an oldie but a goodie!

Managed to keep my wits about me at the urgent care after nearly taking my finger off with an axe this afternoon...

"Doctor, I know this is bad, but am I going to be able to play the piano after you fix me up?"

"Oh yes, it doesn't look like you've damaged the muscle too badly"

"Well that's just excellent; I was never able to play it before!"

I think I'm lucky he finished my stitches...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Purgid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2016
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How do you know if the midwife liked you?

She put in an extra stitch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baashcrndicoot
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2015
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So my daughter was born today...

...and in the O.R. they were putting on her monitor around her ankle and my wife, who is still getting stitched up, says "She's just like her Daddy, she's already got her first ankle monitor"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/turnupthebassto11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2015
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My Mother: This hat pattern looks easier than the other one....

Me: It’s sew easy!

My Husband: It’s not very sewphisticated!...Do my puns have you in stitches? I’m laughing so hard I’m bobbin my head back and forth.

My Dad: Are you starting to see a pattern here?

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Dad-Son joke combo

At dinner, my mom was telling us a story of one of her kids (she works as a teacher) and how she accidentally sewed some string into her pants. This followed:

Me: Wow, that's sew funny!

Dad: Needle-less to say, I hope she was alright

Me: You have a point there

I don't believe anything else was said after that

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Norskey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2014
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Mom told Dad to pull up the zipper on his pants

Dad says, "it pays to advertise"

His dry delivery had me in stitches. Best part is when mom said "you've heard that before, he's been telling that joke for 30 years"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2015
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My mom had surgery recently

My dad "your mom was laughing so hard, she was in stitches"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/release_the_pig
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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I got a coworker really good.

A while back, a coworker of mine cut herself on a meat slicer. She went to the er and got her hand stitched up. She messaged me that she had to get a tetanus shot, but her phone auto corrected to "Tetris shot". I told her to make sure to get a Pac-man shot while she was there. She asked her doctor for one and he was very confused, and she was very embarrassed. My best one yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatheraabed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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Reverse dadjoke - one I got my dad with

When I was in college, I was riding my bicycle and got hit by a car. I had to get some stitches and my nose re-broken, but nothing too serious. When I got out, I called my dad and told him...

>Me: I got hit by a car today...

>Dad: Holy &^%$, are you okay?

>Me: I'm okay, just a little run down.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TQStormrider6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
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My friend just got me while telling me she laughs at pain.

Directly copied the text from her email:

I know that seeing my dad walk in the door with his foot in a cast my initial reaction should NOT have been to start giggling uncontrollably.....but that's what I do. It's even worse when I hurt myself, especially if it's a ton of pain, people think I've gone in shock or I'm a bit loopy because I'm usually in stitches.

I thought she might have done it accidentally, until it was followed up with a "ba-dum-chhh"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingcarpet23
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
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Father-in-law pulled this after surgery

My father-in-law had a hernia surgery and was updating people on how he was feeling on Facebook.

He finished by saying, "My doctor is a real joker...he left me in stitches."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthpastor247
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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My doctor is hilarious...

He keeps me in stitches!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/darth_daughter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2015
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there we were, ten men against a thousand

toughest ten we ever fought.

that was one that my dad used to tell that would make me groan that basically left me in stitches when I remembered it years later.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pinchealeman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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A good way to lighten the mood

Me and my family were travelling in the car on a long journey; everyone was falling asleep and bored out of their minds, until: Dad: What a pile of shite... Me: What is? Dad: That pile of shite over there. We were all in stitches laughing for a good 10 minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElvisM
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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Too soon?

Disclaimer: I'm not a Dad.

Yesterday my sister posted on facebook that her son had had a collision with a coffee table, the result of which is 6 stitches next to his eye, and his eye has swollen up.

My facebook response: "Sounds like he'll be eyeing the coffee table sideways for a little while."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nibrox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2014
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What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to do their own stitches?

Suture self.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/levine2112
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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