When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.

It’s our family hair loom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
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I cannot be-weave he said this

I’m terrified of spiders and had to summon my boyfriend to relocate a rather large one hanging out on the back door.

Him: Actually I think I’ll put him in a jar. We can keep him as a pet and name him Frank.

Me staring at him bewildered:.... name him frank?

Him: Yes because he frankly terrifies you.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much.

I told the cop it’s my first time knitting, so I’m pretty slow at it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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I got stopped for "weaving while driving".

The policeman put a device in my mouth. After a pause he said, "Blow?"

"If you've got some, yes please," I replied.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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I tried to tell me wife about a dream I had where I was weaving the hair of the Philadelphia Flyer's mascot into intricate braids...

She was disgusted, and told me she didn't want the Knit-ty Gritty details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Did you hear about the boxer that opened a salon?

He called it Bob and Weave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MmmVomit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.

Shit. Wrong thread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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My grandma used to pretend she was weaving rugs when she had to think. When she died, she passed the talent to my children.

It's a cherished air-loom in my family.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I only have a few hours to finish weaving this blanket.

It's a looming deadline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
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Wedding Jokes Needed

I’m officiating a wedding Saturday and want to weave in some of your finest. Please share some of your best to help me deliver some laughs!

Edit: ... help me deliver some eye rolls and long nasal exhalations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engi-nerd_5085
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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I stole a wig

I just didn't want toupee for it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoenixFlamebird
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.

They said I was weaving all over the road.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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What do you do when you accidentally tear Lord Elrond’s woven cloak?

Hugo Weaving

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucioboops3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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If you have a weaving loom which was suspended above the ground, and then you left it to your children when you died...

would you call it an heirloom air-loom?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pittgoose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
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Tonight I saw a couple weaving all over the road...

I told them to get a loom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeastinSeersucker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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I ripped my shirt while watching Apollo XIII.

Houston, weave got a problem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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Fashion Police
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnotNotNaught
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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My Dad's Favorite Joke

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
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The thing to learn from spider cannibalism is that when you spin webs, in the end

You weave what you sew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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A gunman was just sighted near my local hairdresser.

If they come under fire I reckon their only option will be to bob and weave.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Viglek
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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[long pun, bear with it] A father and son are going fishing...

The father is showing his son how to prepare the fishing rod, how to set the line, and how to affix the bait. Father: "Now son, you can use many different kinds of bait. This worm, for example." The father says as he weaves the worm onto the hook and casts the line. Son: "What happens next dad?" As if on cue, the father pulls against the line, calling forth a panicked fish from the water. The son exclaims in amazement, as the father prepares the line for his next cast. He reaches into the tackle box, and beings to attach something to the hook. Son: "Dad, what kind of bait is that?" Father: "This is clickbait son." Son: "What happens next dad?" Father: "What happens next will shock you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/appa-ate-momo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
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The bull and the hurricane

There was a bad hurricane coming and the farmer gathered all the cows to put in the barn. The young bull refused to go, and the farmer was forced to leave him in the field. The hurricane came and the bull just leaned into the wind and weaved around. The storm mercifully let up after some damage to the barn and other buildings. The cows were very concerned for the young bull and ran out to the field to check on him. One of the older cows asked the young bull why he stayed outside in the storm weaving etc? "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down" was the reply.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
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My grandma makes blankets using a loom. She crafted the latest one so well that it'll never fray or fall apart!

It's un-de-weave-able!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBuccaneer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2017
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My dad put Christmas lights on his double bass today...

The lights were weaving in and out between the strings, all over the fretboard, etc, rendering it temporarily unplayable. So I asked, "How are you going to play it now with the lights between the strings?" He replied with, "Carefully." Of course. "But the lights will stop the strings from being used properly!"

"Well, they'll just feel a little lighter then, won't they?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deathbat6120
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2017
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3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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I was with my sister walking back to the car

And she said "why are you weaving so much? Stop treating this like a maze" Me "well I am amazing". Her "I hate you" My dad raised me well.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2014
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More of a prank than a joke

I was sitting in a local Mexican food place with my wife having a late lunch and spot my 19yo daughter in the parking lot driving in her car with my 16yo daughter in the passenger seat. They were just returning from Vidcon.

They drove in front of the restaurant not noticing my wife's parked truck. I bolted out of the door of the restaurant and ran full tilt 500 yards across the parking lot following them all while ducking and weaving around cars so as not to be spotted. They pulled into a gas station on the other side of the parking lot from the restaurant just as I was able to sneak between the pumps and slam myself against her windshield and fall to the ground as if I had been hit. Then I flopped around on the ground like a fish.

It scared my 19yo daughter so bad she actually pee'd a little and couldn't stop crying. My 16yo was laughing so hard she couldn't breath.

I'm a bad Dad.

TL;DR: Bad father scared teenage daughter so bad she pee'd then cried.

Edit: Words

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imdickie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2014
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Detroit Dad Joke

I can finally join your ranks!

We were out to dinner last night and my wife was telling a story about how she saw a tumbleweed rolling down the road on her way home from work in downtown Detroit. She thought it very unusual and as she got closer she realized it was just a giant ball of hair blowing down the road, to which I replied...

"Would you say you saw a tumbleWEAVE?"

God it feels good to be hilarious. I need to actually get a kid now so I can keep chasing this high...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatTonyRose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
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