A Volley of Knitting Puns

My wife was teaching her best friend how to knit. She was doing quite well but for some extra encouragement I said:

"The basics are simple enough. It's when you get into the knitty gritty that things start to unravel.

Wife and friend shake their heads, so I say "Sorry, I didn't mean for my purls of wisdom to needle you."

More groans...

"Still," I said, "at least I kept it short and sweet. I mean, I could've spun you a proper yarn."

Wife to friend: "Right, pass me that soddin' knitting needle...!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/32768Colours
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2016
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I've been trying out some new knitting patterns, but I think my yarn is too thin

Sorry wrong thread

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alecdoconnor
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
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There's a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.

Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours.

The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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I suspect my friend has an unhealthy addiction to knitting quilts.

I have seen all the patterns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting?

Because they always drop their needles... Ho Ho Ho!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/danuser8
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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People say crochet is like knitting,

but it's knot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ak_illustration
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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I've just started knitting for the Mafia

They call me Scarf Ace

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feathersoft
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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Woman driving along the road while knitting. Cop rolls down his window and shouts "Pullover maam"!

Woman shouts back, "no actually, its a scarf."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
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What's the appeal of round-tipped knitting needles?

They seem pointless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nemo_sum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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The mother of my children just finished knitting a scarf

She wrapped it around her neck, and got her mouth and nose covered as well:

Me: Hey, you look like a wooligan!

She: ... (glaring..) and you look awfully proud of yourself.

Indeed I was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h4milt0n
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2015
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Dadjoked my friend while knitting.

I was about a fourth of the way through knitting a scarf, and I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, I'll never finish this by Wednesday...unless....I PULL AN ALL-KNITTER!" She was very disappointed, and I felt ready for fatherhood.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Idoliftbro
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2013
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The problem with knitting class

...is that I've heard once you've tried it, you're hooked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Raxsil
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
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Never gonna knit you up
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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it's pwoven
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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A state trooper pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway

Glancing at the car he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting

The trooper crank down his window and yelled to the driver β€œpull over”

β€œNo!” yelled the woman β€œit’s a cardigan”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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My friend knits portraits of famous people. I told her the eyebrows are too high ...

She seamed surprised.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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The first step in confronting a crafting problem,

is a mitten knit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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What did Tesla say when Edison said he could knit electricity?

Sew watt?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
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Why don't Christmas trees learn to knit?

They always drop their needles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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Why did the klepto only knit metal sweaters?

He had to...Steel wool.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fonebone45
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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My friend wears a close-fitting knitted cap when he's putting items for sale on racks at the grocery...

It's a stocking cap.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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What did 50 Cent say to his grandma after she knitted him a sweater?

Gee you knit!

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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A sweater can be an absolute ewe knit.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/felixswan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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A pretty knit conversation.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/halfpeeledbanana
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2018
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People that hand make wool sweaters are part of a tight knit group.
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2018
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I got pulled over while driving because I was weaving too much.

I told the cop it’s my first time knitting, so I’m pretty slow at it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Avengers: Infiknity War [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pununciation
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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TIFU by ruining my nieces knitted sweater...

Whoops, wrong thread.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DuskStruck
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2016
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Her: Are you finally done with all your embroidery puns? I’m sick of it!

Me: Sew it seams.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater?

Amazing, I didn't even know they could knit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
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I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…

I didn't even know they could knit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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A woman that knits her own dresses?!

She's knot your average lady!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kleintrpt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
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I tried to tell me wife about a dream I had where I was weaving the hair of the Philadelphia Flyer's mascot into intricate braids...

She was disgusted, and told me she didn't want the Knit-ty Gritty details.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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what do you call it when someone is indecisive about which yarn to buy?

knit-picky

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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Someone told me that it takes 5 sheep to make a sweater.

I didn't know they could knit!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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My wife likes to crochet and play guitar.

She's a real knit picker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotter66
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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I know someone who's really good at crochet jokes

We all call him a knit-wit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weird_al_yankee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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I asked my Russian friend if he preferred quilting?

He said, knit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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My grandma made me a sweater

It was pretty knit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papau_Dude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Did you know it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater?

That’s amazing. I didn’t even know they could knit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/marissakalyn
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2018
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I used to work for a small clothing manufacturer where everyone knew each other

It was a tight knit group

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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My dad dropped this one on me in the car today.

We were talking about European history and this happened. Me: You know how Austria and Hungary used to be combined but split? Him: Yeah, but I heard that they aren't called Hungary anymore. Me: What do you mean? Him: I guess they ate.

I squinted at him, and then realized that he just produced perfect dadjoke material.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorillabears
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
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Heard this joke between my friend and his dad.

Friend: "Did you know it takes three sheep to make a sweater?"

Friend's dad: "Huh... I didn't even know sheep could knit."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComedicChaos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
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The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…

I didn't even know they could knit!

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
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