Why isn't cotton ready for harvest in March?

Because it's still Lint!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Laringar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13
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Wow I was a wreck last night -- t-shirt under sweat clothes, under two cotton sheets, under a polypropylene comforter, and a quilt on top of that! I could NOT get warm!

I can't imagine how miserable I'd be if I didn't have that can of Pringles in the cupboard....

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
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One thing I've never understood about that 'Cotton Eye Joe' song

If the singer was so upset, why didn't they just ban Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChrisWritesStuff
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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Cotton eye Po
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buddsbunny
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Is that felt? *Obviously cotton fabric*

Son responds, "No."

*Touches said fabric* - "It is now!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clarke_CD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Why do Russia not grow any cotton?

Because they already have Lenin.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DxrkBloo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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Microsoft has started researching about clothes made of cotton and velvet.

They really want to get into the soft-wear industry.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Cotton Kitty.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ayrilo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2018
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The leather hat was an invention that made our head's sweat. Thank god it never cotton.
πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pirate_of_the_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2016
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Did you hear that Egyptian cotton is now mostly fair trade?

Apparently they're planting it in fair rows.

Edit: Several thousand tons of mummified animals have been used as fertiliser.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2017
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What is the difference between cotton and combed cotton?

Well, Cotton just woke up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madwifi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2017
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Coworker threw a small cotton ball at me to get my attention...

It hit my head and he said : "Headshot!" I throw it back at him, it hits his screen and I say : "Screenshot!" Forced laughter ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/username8411
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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Have you heard about the new strain of insect-proof cotton plant?

It's Un-Boll-Weevilble!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jchapstick
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2013
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Watching a show where researchers collect bugs using a large cotton cloth dragged over the grass to count them

Dad - Guess you could call that a tick sheet

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrumpyErnie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2014
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Of Fairy Floss (Cotton Candy)

Daughter buys some fairy floss
Dad: "You know, spiders make cobwebs for free."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesterfraud
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2013
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Toe-knee

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gmitch91
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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There's a spider in my room.

I've named him Cotton Eye Joe.

I now need to know:

Where did he come from?

And where did he go?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DotNotice
πŸ“…︎ May 16
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I got sued once... the plaintiff brought in a rabbit as his key witness...

The judge dismissed it as hare say.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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Dad - β€œNice shirt, is that felt?”

Son - β€œNo, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve.

Dad - β€œIt’s felt now.”

πŸ‘︎ 619
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boyleolio
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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Not bragging but I made six figures last year...

....so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UriahPeabody
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
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Want to hear a bunny joke?

Great! Because even doe they're coney, I'm a rabbit fan of a really bunny jokr. Sorry if it bugs you, but they make me hoppy and I hope they multiply.

I'm all ears whenever I hare one, br'ers nothing better. If I had burrowed a buck fur every one that's cotton me to chuckle I could buy a 10 carrot ring just in case my brother Jackelopes.

Shoot, I can't remember what the joke was now...

Oh well, Lettuce leaf it there, I've got to bounce over to IHOP for lunch.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JephriB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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What do you call a man with no shins?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Algernon21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
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A young cowboy in the old west

Got into an accident and lost his eye. The doc got him a wooden eye to fill the hole. Before the accident he was quite the ladies man, dancing with all the young ladies at the barn dances. But afterwards he never went out, just stayed at home. He knew no woman would ever want him. Finally all his buddies came by and grabbed him and took him to a barn dance. He was just looking at all the pretty young ladies, afraid to ask any to dance. He noticed the one he’d never seen before, she was beautiful. But as he looked at her, he saw that she had a peg-leg. Well, she’d dance with him. So he walked over to her and asked β€œwould you like to dance” she replied with excitement β€œ would I, would I? And he replied β€œpeg-leg peg-leg”

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πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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What do you call a guy with no shins?

Toe-knee

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rover-II
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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Mom was pregnant and dad asked the time. She asked if she looked like a clock...

"Well, you're big and round and you've got two hands!" said my dad

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DifferentQuiet
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
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What do you call a guy with no shins?

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MF-StoiC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."

Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexslivi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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Polyester clothing was not and is not fashionable.

I guess it never cotton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veryslowclapper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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Two boll weevils

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JRBX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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A dad walks up to his son who is wearing a new shirt...

Dad: son, that’s a nice shirt, is it felt?

Son: no, dad, it’s just a cotton shirt.

Dad: reaches and touches his son on the shoulder well, it’s felt now

πŸ‘︎ 169
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Clowning around!

My dad once asked me why we dont eat Clowns. I looked at him like he was growing horns out of his head and thought about pennywise and cotton candy...for some reason. After a moment of staring I noticed the slight grin forming on his face so I obliged and said I dont know...

He replied

Because they taste funny!

www.theuppersideofaverage.com

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dwtxranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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ITT:

Cotton.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PerplexativeKhat-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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So China went to the moon...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lykanthrocide
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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I lost my wallet...

It turned up this morning when I opened up the washing machine. Everything inside (cash, credit card, driver's license) was soaking wet.

Dad: "I'm calling the police."

Me: "Why would you do that?"

Dad: "You're guilty of laundering money."

ahh...

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gudea_of_Lagash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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My dad used to get me and my little sister with this daily.

Before I could put my own shoes on I would always ask m dad for help and This was his response every damn time.

me "daddy can you put my shoes on please"

Dad. "I can but I don't think they will fit me"

Followed this my dad would laugh hysterically and me whining saying "Nooo on meeeeee".

πŸ‘︎ 514
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skin969
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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My 9 year old daughter is following in my footsteps

I was telling my girlfriend her new pillowcases she bought were uncomfortable and she said they shouldn't be they're Egyptian cotton and my daughter said why have you got Egyptian Cotton....is it because you're a Mummy howls with laughter at her own joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mrmyke00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
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Someone posted a joke on inauguration day and now I can't stop thinking of Trump puns, so I'll just dump them here.

He probably has quite the hair-care bill, but I'm sure he's willing toupee for it.
It seems that everyone on the internet is Russian to say good things about him.
After his inauguration speech, everyone gave him a big hand.
His favorite winter Olympic event is the LYUUUUGE!
The other half of his supporters can be described with ancient, mystical legends: the Deep Lore-ables.
Nobody will be able to use cheap cotton drapes or table cloths after his ban on muslins.
Since the start of the cold war, many U.S. presidents have pissed off the Russians. Trump is the first to be accused of pissing ON them.
I subscribed to his newsletter because I never turn down a free MAGA-zine subscription.
Melania got used to everyone crowded into Trump Tower during the campaign. Now that everyone's gone, she looks around and it's just a little Barron.
Joke that inspired me is here : https://www.reddit.com/r/puns/comments/5p4ebt/on_donald_trumps_inaguration/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Hitchhiker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2017
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how my dad refers to an impending call of nature...

"we gotta find a bathroom quick boy, I've got a turtle sniffin' cotton."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kiki2k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
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It's worth the read!

I should preface this by saying this was on of the best dates I've ever been on, but the relationship also subsequently fell apart because of it.

Anyway, a few years ago, my girlfriend and I had been going out for a few months, and things were great. I met her through a mutual friend of mine at the hospital, weirdly enough. Our friend had gotten in a very bad accident and had to get a glass eye. He would always dab it with cotton to stop the bleeding at the beginning. Anyway, this is all relevant because my girlfriend (not girlfriend at the time) bonded over how disgusting our friends eye was. This got us to talking, and before you know it, we started going out. Things got pretty serious months and months down the line, and I was just laid off from my job. This meant that in general, we would go on cheaper dates. Nothing too drastic. Just like a movie and dinner instead of say the Opera and a fancy five star restaurant.

So, about a year and a half into the relationship, Joe, the mutu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/herper
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2015
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Husband's first dad joke as a new dad.

Context: Our 3 month old son had some cotton/fuzz/lint stuck between his fingers from a newer pair of pajamas. I was trying to keep his hands out of his mouth because I didn't want him eating the cloth particles.

Husband came out with this: Leave him alone LDJD. He has to get his fiber. Get it, fiber?

groans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ldjd
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigjambo1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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What do you call a guy with no shins?

Toe-knee

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carpet_tart
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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What do you call a guy with no shins?

Toe-Knee!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScotchRichie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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