1 of the 2 women in my office has cast a spell on me...

I don't know which one is witch ?

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Working on a crossword puzzle. Can anyone tell me the first initial and last name of the lead actor from Cast Away?

Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spongebue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Student with a cast on his arm walks in to class and says β€œI can’t write with my right hand today.”

I ask, can you left with your left hand?

Many students gave me props for the dad joke. One student said I sound like their dad. While I have no kids of my own, I’m glad I get to practice my dad jokes on my students.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono116
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
People don’t approve when I run up to them on the street and try making a plaster cast of their faces.

At least that’s the impression that I get.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Writing on someone's cast is the perfect time to add insult to injury reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saggingrufus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
The cast of Stranger Things was told to rate The Office on a scale from 1 to 10

It was given an 8 and 1/2 by Eleven

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GoodStevening
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2018
🚨︎ report
At an antique store today with my grandfather I picked up a cast-iron candelabra and commented on how heavy it was...

He turned to me, gave a knowing smile and said; 'Don't worry - it gets lighter when you put some candles in it.'

He's the best.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeauYourHero
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Got the cast of a show I'm working on

During notes for a show I am working on, they mentioned something about pots and a character. In this context, they cook crabs, lobsters, and clams on stage.

Me- Well, that will certainly make Sue crabby.

They booed me

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisisasubtext
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2015
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweepi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to get my face casted a month in advance so I could be put on display in a wax museum.

I think I was getting ahead of myself.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theamiabledude
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tracto

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
An internet wizard casted a spell on me

It was a gif and a curse.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/taidg
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife had to double check she wasn't pregnant.

We were sitting on a little bench, watching birds going crazy over some bread that had been left on the ground. "I wonder who gave the little birds those rolls", she said.

"Probably the casting director."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Niflhe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2016
🚨︎ report
I tried snapping my finger.

And that’s the reason why I have a cast on it.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DerrpSter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
[long pun, bear with it] A father and son are going fishing...

The father is showing his son how to prepare the fishing rod, how to set the line, and how to affix the bait. Father: "Now son, you can use many different kinds of bait. This worm, for example." The father says as he weaves the worm onto the hook and casts the line. Son: "What happens next dad?" As if on cue, the father pulls against the line, calling forth a panicked fish from the water. The son exclaims in amazement, as the father prepares the line for his next cast. He reaches into the tackle box, and beings to attach something to the hook. Son: "Dad, what kind of bait is that?" Father: "This is clickbait son." Son: "What happens next dad?" Father: "What happens next will shock you."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/appa-ate-momo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Fishing for puns

I was going to write a fishing pun, but couldn't find the right line... I asked a mate for help, but that turned into a debait... I tried casting my mind back to when I last heard a fishing pun, but that didn't reely work... If you're also hooked on puns and can help me out, I'd love to sea what fishing stories you can drag up!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PunnyGifts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
🚨︎ report
[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overhe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
🚨︎ report
My sister was in a pretty bad car accident a few years ago

Hit head-on by a drunk driver, she broke her right wrist and forearm (compound fracture), and broke her right femur. The doctor came to talk to us after the surgery and told us she was okay. My dad asked, "will she be able to play the trumpet?" And the doctor assured us that she would make a full recovery and be able to play after the cast came off. To which my dad replies, "Wow, you're one hell of a doctor. All she could play before was the piano!"

πŸ‘︎ 332
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/omaha_shanks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
🚨︎ report
I need a title for an essay about an eggtimer and waves.

Its an essay over the movie Cast Away and its about how the eggtimer, from the beggining of the movie, represents mechanical time(clocks) and how the waves on the island represent biological time(the human life cycle). Give me the best you've got!

Edit: I have untill tuesday (10/13/13)

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jumpr247
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2013
🚨︎ report
Apocalypse Now

Watching TV at my parent's house with my wife a couple of weeks ago.

Commercial comes on advertising the Apocalypse now movie, my dad mentions it and then says

Dad: that was a good movie, did you guys ever see it?

Wife: nope, never seen it!

Dad: oh you should watch it, then watch the remake of it they made a few years later, they re-cast the whole movie with only black people. pauses for dramatic moment It's called A-packa-lips-now

Wife: what...

Awkward pause for maybe two seconds, I chuckled, my mom rolled her eyes and then my wife finally got it.

She nearly died laughing

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Handsome_Gourd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad joke at play practice

At play rehearsal we were blocking out a scene, the director explained during this particular scene the lights on one portion of the stage would dim to highlight the two with solos. One cast member asked, "When the lights go dim on us, do we freeze?" one of the older fellows in the cast cut in, "No, we'll still have the heat on." Loved it.

Edit: play rehearsal

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KaleDavid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked a friend at practice

He showed up to one of our practices with a soft cast on his wrist. He told our coach, "I won't be able to play for a few days, I have a hairline fracture."

I gently ruffled my hand through the front of his wavy hair and said, "Oh my god, will you be okay?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsRatherWindy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2014
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweepi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.