I'm starting a business focused solely on transporting Capra aegagrus hircus. We'll have slings, bags, and more.

It's called Totes My Goats!

(Capra aegagrus hircus is the scientific name for goats)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/LunOverdose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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If I sling the contents of a flashlight at someone...

...would I get arrested and charged with an assault with battery charge?

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2018
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Dog walks into a bar with a sling and a gun

Bar tender says "we don't serve dogs in this bar"

Dog replies "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlakeTD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2016
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My daughter injured her arm and is now in a sling. She said "it is hard to write with my left".

I replied "It is even harder to left with your right"

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ‘€︎ u/craigers01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2015
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By slinging gobs of congealed dairy fat across the room I discovered

butter flies!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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When a department store santa loses his job does he get the sack?

Do human cannonballs get fired?

Do pirates get told to sling their hook's?

Do prostitutes get laid off?

Do trapeze artists get let go?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Listen, punk. If you don't think I'll break your other arm...

You've got another sling comin'

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/bopaqod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Self-help and advice puns
  • The best way to save face is to keep the lower half of it closed.

  • Those who seek to get even only end up at greater odds.

  • Those who sling mud end up only losing ground.

  • Want a bouncier water bed? Just fill it with spring water.

  • Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.

  • Keep your dreams alive -- quickly hit the snooze button.

  • Don't worry about the bird flu too much -- it's tweetable.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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Hamlet has to pee[Hamleak]

Quick little blurb I wrote in class: β€œTo pee, or not to pee, that is the question. Whether β€˜tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention. Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it. To go-to pee, No more; and by a leak we say to end the headache and the thousand visceral shocks that urine is heir to: β€˜tis a consummation devoutly to be piss’d. β€œ

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/rmiller25
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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The Three Kingdoms

so there’s a far-off place that consists of a perfectly triangular lake surrounded by land, with three kingdoms on the three sides of the lake. the first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people. the second kingdom is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power, too. the third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

the kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it’s a valuable resource to have. the first kingdom sends 100 of their finest knights, clad in the best armor and each with their own personal squire. the second kingdom sends 50 of their knights, with fine leather armor and a few dozen squires of their own. the third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

the night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and make merry, partying into the late hours of the night. the knights in the second kingdom aren’t as well off, but have their own supply of grog and also drink late into the night.

in the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and slings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. he fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

the next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hung over and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old and weary, unable to get up. in place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. the battle lasts long into the night, but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

and it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/sirmonkey95
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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A man was dragging a large chain into work

Everyday since he started working there. Everyday he would drag the chain in clunk clunk clunk and set it down by his desk. At the end of the day he would pick the chain up sling most of it over his shoulder and drag the chain out clunk clunk clunk. At the end of the third day his coworker couldn't take it any more. "I gotta know! Why are you dragging this chain in and out of work everyday since you started working here?" He replied "Well, I'd look like hell trying to push it in here wouldn't I?"

Courtesy of my Father-in-law.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/iFearghal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
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I got a kid that had broke his arm at Big Bear on Tuesday

A kid had fallen right in front of me and broke his arm above the wrist. I went over to help and comfort him. The paramedic came and she cut his glove off, put a splint on as well as a sling. That's when I said "she likes you, so she put a sling on it" the paramedic and I laughed, the kid didn't

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/litgoat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2016
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