True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Where do you go to get books that aren't true?
True story: During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy
I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"
A true story: My boyfriend and I were in the dairy aisle of the grocery store. He tosses a pack of sliced cheese into the cart it ricochets and falls to the floor. “Kobe!” I shout. “No.” He says in a disappointed tone...
(True story) My GF asked me to kill a spider in the bathroom today.
It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.
"How did you even see that?" I asked.
And she answered, "With my spider-sense."
I love this woman so, so much.
Conspiracy theorists will never be able to find the true story of the coronavirus' origins...
A $9.99. Nintendo Switch! If it's too good to be true, it probably is...
Did you hear that Thanos was committed to an insane asylum? It's true.
True Story - I saw a guy walking along with two huge mattresses strapped to his rucksack...
...I thought, at least he has something to fall back on.
True story. Needs your help to decide.
Driving home from the beach last week, my son said he'd like to sky dive. I told him he was crazy. And (here's where we need help) said "I'm not scared of heights". I said "neither am I. I'm scared of widths". We both laughed and couldn't decide if it was indeed a dad joke or not.
I can't seem to grow oats or barley, or spelt in the mountains where I live. I guess it's true what they say...
I was required to add flair to this, True story not a flairy tail
My mom used to tell me if I ate all my meat I would become as strong as an ox, but that couldn't be true
because I've never seen an ox eating meat.
True house cleaners aren't just born to serve
[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinsel— DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): “Little more on here.” DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...
...”MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!”
Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?
Awaiting a reply with baited breath...
Found on r/AskReddit on question "what is something that seems too good to be true but isn't?"
A ghost just tried to tell me something that I knew wasn't true
It's true son, dinosaurs aren't allowed to drive antique cars.
They kept causing Model T wrecks.
True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....
When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❤️
True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
True story only the names have been changed to protect the sassy 3yo.
Miss3: mummy I want shake shake song (Taylor Swift - shake it off.
Mummy: and mummy wants her breakfast first miss3.
Miss3: and I want a million dollars mummy.
Cheeky little madam!
True Story: I was driving my family to my son's birthday party at one of those trampoline places. While looking for it in the strip mall...
We passed an IHOP, to which I stated "There it is!"
Niagara too good to be true
True Story: An energy drink was just banned after it was found to contain Viagra
I ordered some corn online to be delivered to my house. It never showed up. So I guess it's true...
It's true to some point
How do you discipline a rock?
You hit rock bottom.
We just got brand new hardwood floors and my wife wanted to slide down the hallway in her socks (true story).
Wife: I'm gonna do a Jerry McGuire down the hallway!
Me: That's "Risky Business" honey
Wife: Don't worry I'll be careful!
Me: ....ok dear
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
What do you call an infomercial that sounds to good to be true?
True story: I just had my first baby and asked my parents what they would like to be called as grandparents.
My mom thought about it and said "You guys can call me Grammie!"
My dad, without missing a beat, said "Well then I guess you can call me Oscar."
/r/granddadjokes
True story: my dad is on a cruise and sent me a picture of him next to Ernest Hemingway's son. my reply...
Looks like two old men in the sea
I went to pick up my son the other day, and there was a static shock. I realized it's true what they say...
So my dad took me to dinner yesterday . . . (true story)
He ordered a chicken breast entree. The waitress said, "Ok, and you get two sides with that."
And he said, "I already have two sides, see? Left side. Right side."
In response to an r/dadjokes text, I thought I'd try to get him... True dads can not be fooled at their own game.
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