The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"
Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."
(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)
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︎ Mar 26 2021
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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︎ Jun 26 2020
Where do you go to get books that aren't true?
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︎ Jan 29 2021
True story: During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy
I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Iβm not sure if itβs true or false that he is the Prime Minister of Canada, but that his name is Justin
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︎ Jan 09 2021
Did you hear that Thanos was committed to an insane asylum? It's true.
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︎ Sep 18 2020
Thats true
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︎ Apr 20 2020
The true support that Windows needed...
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︎ Dec 30 2019
True that π
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︎ May 28 2020
People think that my homemade toy business isn't very successful, but that's not true.
I'm making six figures a year
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︎ Jun 14 2020
Is it true that Mom's making spaghetti?
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︎ Mar 10 2020
Dad, that man accused you and Mom of being something called pyromaniacs. Is that true?
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︎ Aug 10 2019
My mom used to tell me if I ate all my meat I would become as strong as an ox, but that couldn't be true
because I've never seen an ox eating meat.
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Roses are red, that much is true, violets are purple...
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︎ Aug 16 2019
Dad, is it true that two wrongs make a right?
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︎ Jan 08 2020
Found on r/AskReddit on question "what is something that seems too good to be true but isn't?"
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︎ Dec 12 2018
Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?
Awaiting a reply with baited breath...
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︎ Oct 23 2019
A ghost just tried to tell me something that I knew wasn't true
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︎ Oct 31 2019
True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
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︎ Dec 08 2018
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
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︎ Oct 26 2019
True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....
When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."
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︎ Oct 25 2019
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentineβs Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. β€οΈ
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︎ Feb 14 2019
True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.
I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.
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︎ Sep 11 2019
Accidentally punched myself (true story) and now I have a black eye (also true story). People say "That must've been one heck of a fight."
"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"
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︎ Aug 23 2019
True that
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︎ Feb 19 2019
Son: Dad, is it true that the dead sea makes you weightless?
Dad: I guess you'll just have to weight and sea
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︎ Mar 17 2019
What do you call a sandwich that makes dreams come true?
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︎ Jun 09 2019
I asked my wife, βIs it true that Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?β
Her: Yes.
Me: How did he reach the part between the shoulders?
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︎ Mar 12 2019
It is true that I am a psychic lumberjack.
I saw it with my own eyes.
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︎ Jan 14 2018
- Dad, is it true that you can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it?
- Yeah, I saw it with my own eyes.
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︎ May 18 2018
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him
Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....
He did not get it...
(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))
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︎ Apr 27 2017
What do you call an infomercial that sounds to good to be true?
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︎ Oct 03 2017
She's too mature for that kind of joke. [True story]
On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, "What? Were you born yesterday?" Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now... my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(
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︎ Sep 07 2016
They told me that my dreams would come true when pigs could fly...
...Ten years later, my hog-shipping airmail business is doing great!
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︎ Apr 17 2016
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "Itβs true!"
"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Therapist:Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true ?
Me:Well to be honest I never knew she sold flowers
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︎ Sep 02 2019
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
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︎ Nov 13 2019
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
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︎ Nov 15 2019
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
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︎ Nov 08 2019
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
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︎ Nov 08 2019
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