The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.

I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"

Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."

(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you go to get books that aren't true?

To the Lie-brary!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viajero1026
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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True story: During a large dinner my son said that he was addicted to the gravy

I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jabberwonki
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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I’m not sure if it’s true or false that he is the Prime Minister of Canada, but that his name is Justin

is Trudeau

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DutchBlob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Did you hear that Thanos was committed to an insane asylum? It's true.

He snapped.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Thats true
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prabeshdai13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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The true support that Windows needed...
πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deb_Eternity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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True that πŸ˜€
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnef20
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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People think that my homemade toy business isn't very successful, but that's not true.

I'm making six figures a year

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BraveLilCoaster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Is it true that Mom's making spaghetti?

I wouldn't put it pasta.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Dad, that man accused you and Mom of being something called pyromaniacs. Is that true?

Yes, we arson

πŸ‘︎ 283
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
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My mom used to tell me if I ate all my meat I would become as strong as an ox, but that couldn't be true

because I've never seen an ox eating meat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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Roses are red, that much is true, violets are purple...

Not fucking blue!

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheViciousKoala
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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Dad, is it true that two wrongs make a right?

No. But three lefts do.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/veryruralNE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Found on r/AskReddit on question "what is something that seems too good to be true but isn't?"
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tixpix26GotTaken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
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Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?

Awaiting a reply with baited breath...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A ghost just tried to tell me something that I knew wasn't true

I saw right through him

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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True story: my daughter was playing a pet-salon game on her iPad and said to me: "Hey dad, I've just worked out that if you just brush their teeth over and over you get experience points faster." To which I replied: "You shouldn't grind your teeth."
πŸ‘︎ 291
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shadowfax1138
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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True story: My wife offered to make me tea and 1 hour later I remembered that she still hadn't made it....

When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. That is true love. The heart wants what the heart wants. ❀️
πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AggieatLSU
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.

I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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Accidentally punched myself (true story) and now I have a black eye (also true story). People say "That must've been one heck of a fight."

"Oh yeah. You should see the other guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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True that
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jr_Echo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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Son: Dad, is it true that the dead sea makes you weightless?

Dad: I guess you'll just have to weight and sea

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beerdappel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
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What do you call a sandwich that makes dreams come true?

A SandWish

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterxhunterFan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife, β€œIs it true that Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?”

Her: Yes.

Me: How did he reach the part between the shoulders?

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
It is true that I am a psychic lumberjack.

I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
🚨︎ report
- Dad, is it true that you can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it?
  • Yeah, I saw it with my own eyes.
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nightievv
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2018
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[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him

Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....

He did not get it...

(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
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What do you call an infomercial that sounds to good to be true?

Sham Wow!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USAneedsAJohnson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
🚨︎ report
She's too mature for that kind of joke. [True story]

On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, "What? Were you born yesterday?" Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now... my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeshaper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2016
🚨︎ report
They told me that my dreams would come true when pigs could fly...

...Ten years later, my hog-shipping airmail business is doing great!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteBible
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2016
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Therapist:Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true ?

Me:Well to be honest I never knew she sold flowers

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ramos394
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report

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