dad: Pear with fig make a great pair *wink wink*
daughter: go figure
No I have enough to carry as it is...
I finally snapped and told him to just put a lid on it
I have to be careful playing them though, or it could spell disaster.
It was an act of wonton destruction
It just seems like common cents.
She was busy slicing the watermelon when I mentioned a YouTube video I had seen recently that talks about how you can grill it.
She asked about it and I told her how they basically cooked it like a steak.
"I guess that would make it filet MELON."
Her face got immediately red and she shook her head trying not to laugh.
..cracked it and sent ice cubes flying everywhere.
"This is why we can't have ice things."
Dad - "Oh look, butterflies!"
It was a ca-lamb-ity.
Me: "Some of the ice just hit me in the face!" Dad: "I would too if you tried to break me."
This morning he brought me a pie, a cake, a plate of cookies, and a tray of brownies. And then he just left! I don’t know why he deserted me like that.
Remember, only come here for cringe, Because this is the ultimate Pun Collection.
Right now we've got a standard whirlpool. One basic box, with a rotating center tray. No frills.
I'm looking at a newer model. It's split in the center, and there's a second rotating tray. Also, it's voice activated.
What do you think?
Should I stick with what I've got or should I get Two Turn Tables and a Microphone?
In the ass-tray.
(Don't litter, kids.)
Because of the Bayeux Tapas Tray!
At work, there was a metal catering tray filled to the brim with cold water sittin' around for no reason so I asked the receptionist/coworker, who has said repeatedly that she just can't stand me, if I should dump it. She looked at me, smiled and said "If you can." I responded "without spilling it?" In a 'of course I'm not going to spill but dont rule it out' way. She said "Yes." Silently giving me good luck. Fortunately, I done did the deed and no brand new flooring was harmed. I then proceeded to google water jokes. After that, I walked up to her desk, glanced into her soul for the slightest moment while greeting, "Hey Sarah" , then I swiftly looked downwards as she asked, "Yeah?" I THEN told her this, "I don't know about you but unlike that cold water I just dumped". I pause, regain eye contact and finished with, "boiling water will be mist."
We were seeing him in the hospital for the last time with our family and at some point my aunt asked who of us want coffee. We counted coffee drinkers among us and my aunt said "Ok, I'll bring a full tray"
My grandpa lifted his head for the last time and said "rather bring that in a cup, it's so hard to drink from the tray"
He was amazing.
I forgot the tray of brownies in the oven.
I wish he'd stop smoking or empty the tray himself.
So there is this super amazing girl, and she loves two things. Puns and empanadas. I want to ask her to prom while gifting her with many beef empanadas, but I really want to find a pun to use on her as I present the tray of food. Do you guys have any empanada based puns?
me: Honey, I burned almost 2000 calories today!!
me: Yeah, I left the tray of cookies in the oven too long and they were burnt to a crisp
I was on the plane and the man came round with the refreshment tray and asks "you for coffee?" So i replied, "you fuck offy i was here first"
Long ago in a Taco Bell far, far away...
Cute Girl Behind Counter: Here's your order.
Me: (noticing a soft taco on the tray) I wanted a hard taco.
Girl: (uncertain what to do)
Dad: Try rubbing it a little. Usually works for me.
Jam in tray 1.
Me: banging an ice cube tray on the kitchen counter to get the ice out
Dad: Who's making all that racket?
Me: Me, I'm trying to break the ice
Dad: Why, is nobody talking to you? Ahahaaaaaaa.
Dad goes back to eBay
A waiter in a sombrero barely missed me when he was walking past with a tray of drinks.
My dad leaned over and said: "that was a close Juan"
I'm a server at a restaurant and we were busy.
I walk up with 4 drinks and set them on a tray.
Me: I'm taking this tray, hopefully no one's using it.
Other server: well it's yours now....
Me: sorry, didn't mean to be-tray you...
At a restaurant (friends name is Trae) :
Server: " would you like a tray for that? "
His dad: "no I brought my own!"
So at my internship I have to go through these massive cabinets and sort out hundreds of drills, endmills, boring bars etc. While I was finishing a tray of tap drills my boss comes up and says "Are you having any fun yet?" Without a beat I say "Honestly I'm about ready to tap out..." I could hear his groan above the noise of the machines in the shop.
I begin to pour the remainder of the freshly cooked chips from the tray on to the plate. At the bottom I notice there are some fries left in the tray. Coworker leans in and says "Surfries!"
I set the tray down and we cackle over the remark. Manager quickly puts his hand on the counter and flips the tray up, sending a small portion of salty fries into and around his eye. I turn to my coworker: "Surfries!"
Me: So, how'd they come out?
Dad: Well, I put my oven glove on, grabbed the tray, slid it out of the oven, and then slid them on the stove, so I'd say they came out pretty smooth.
Me: Oh my god, Dad.
The bus ride to the station had been very stressful. I spent the entire time worrying if the bus even stopped at the train station. I ended up spending nearly an hour making two loops around the city before I finally realized that I had to hop off near the station. Public transport. Jesus.
I'd missed the train I wanted to catch due to my hour-long bus ride, so I had some time to kill before the next one arrived. It had been cold and raining when I left in the morning, but by lunch time it was warm and I was sweating, standing on the station in a big yellow hoodie and jeans.
I had overslept and skipped breakfast earlier, so I resolved not to let the loud farts coming from the old man next to me kill my appetite. I was desperate for a snack.
Initially the vending machine told me it would accept "EXACT CHANGE ONLY". Slightly annoying, but no real problem: I just fished out my change, inserted some alternative coins and punched in the number. I watched the object of my desire inch fo... keep reading on reddit ➡