What did the ashtray say to the cigarette?

"Nice butt"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Frogstomp420
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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My favorite element is Helium

I can't speak highly enough of it...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Xiphias_
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
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The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didnโ€™t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxerโ€™s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasnโ€™t hiring me for my looks and I wasnโ€™t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - thatโ€™s me. Private Investigatorโ€™s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and thatโ€™ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnnyohnny
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
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Jimmy Carr
  • I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat

  • I went up to the airport information desk. I said "How many airports are there in the world?"

  • I hate fat girls who use the excuse "oh the camera adds 10lb" Well, stop eating cameras then.

  • At the check-in desk the girl said, ''Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''Window seat or you'll what? Are you threatening me?''

She said, ''No, calm down. Window seat or aisle?''

l said, ''l'll have a seat.''

  • When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in Mexico last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

  • A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said: "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said: "All right, but we won't get much done"

  • Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York City? Thats because you don't live in New York City.

  • Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ilikefruitydrinks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 20 2013
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