She just doesn’t have the balls anymore
Asking about my bank, my cousin says "Do you have Chase?"
I respond "No they didn't catch me".
My family looked at me confused as hell. Especially the younger ones. I say "You know...cause it's Chase". No laughter. Just sad times ahead.
She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.
An Estro-Gin and Tonic
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
In fact, he sucks at it.
One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean
He just wanted to be transparent
Another case of Carpool Tunnel Syndrome
The other day, we were getting my 3 year old daughter out of the bath. You know how cold that transition is.
D = daughter M = me
D: "Daddy, me owl."
M: confused face "What?"
D: shivering "whoooooo, hoooooo"
Her first pun!!!
An addadictomy
If you want to be a dad, replace 'public' with 'pubic' in any verbal conversation.
- I'll just call him on a pubic telephone.
- I'm going to ride pubic transport to work today.
- I have a fear of pubic speaking.
...my mind raced with punchlines of the “about this far” variety. I tried a few on for size.
Then I realized he was looking distraught and realized I was potentially stomping on his blooming dad-joke career. So I stopped and said: “I don’t know son, how far?”
He still looked confused, and then I realized that he for real thought a “stud” was a measure of distance and this was a legit question. So I had to transition into google searching images of wall framing and what studs are. What a roller coaster of dad emotions.
Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)
Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)
Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."
Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"
Me: "What the crab is this?"
Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.
(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)
I had a dream that I ordered new underwear, but the package was lost in transit. So I emailed them.
The reply email from the company started "Let's be brief…"
Recently e-cigs/vapes have been banned on city property and public transit.
Screenshot from Twitter: http://imgur.com/40Sq0qK
My dad and I were driving to pick up some pizza the other day, and drove by the local community college. They have one of those new HD billboards, which was flashing garish advertisements for their classes and programs.
"That's a terrible sign," my dad remarked.
"Yeah, those things are distracting and annoying," I agreed. "The things flash too fast for you to really read it, and the color contrast makes it hard to read while you're driving late at night. It's not like the sign in front of my school at all (I'm a teacher). My school has slow transitions and clear lettering that makes things easy to read. It's what makes our billboard auspicious."
My dad frowned. He could tell something was coming. "Why's yours auspicious?"
"Because it's a good sign."
His eggs were over-easy. He wanted to place an egg on his toast, but in transit, the yolk exploded all over his hand.
First thing that comes out of my mouth: "Are you... yolkay?"
When I was growing up and transitioning from baby to crooked adult teeth, my dad used to sit me down and tell me to smile. He would then pretend to carve the pumpkin's smile to look like mine and tell me how perfectly scary it was.
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
