"Why am I being timed? I just asked a question.."
What do you call a well timed Dad Joke?
Donald Trump doesn't like Mexicans, and I'm terrible with timed writing prompts. I guess we have similar opinions...
I was driving with my dad today and got this well timed joke while snapchatting.
https://youtu.be/03MFDa-9Q28
Sorry for vertical video :(
/u/acmilan_fan Dad jokes about a perfectly timed picture
http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/21p8tb/his_face_just_collapsed_as_he_hit_the_slide_xpost/cgfe4ds
Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
I’ve lost count of the times I forgot
Guess they should read the bio next time
Why can’t two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
Even crime has time for puns (credit to the author, extrafabulouscomics)
Time to put on the costume
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
Is this sub still active?
Haven't seen anyone post all year!
(Happy New Year from Australia everyone!)
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"
Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays
But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I hate K-pop because listening to it reminds me of the time I spent in the Korean war and leads to extreme anxiety
My doctor says I may have BTSD.
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
I was going to tell a time traveling joke...
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
I went to the shooting range for the first time, but I couldn’t get my gun to fire
I had to read the trouble shooting section in the manual
My wife was telling me I am of average intelligence.
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
A hospital pun in these covid times!
The skipper of a 40 ton trawler which ran aground in Hull during the early hours of Sunday was reported to be 6 times over the legal limit for sailing. Authorities said they had no idea what to do with a drunken sailor early in the morning.
My wife asked me if I wanted to watch Batman Forever on Netflix.
I said, “No, only for the next couple of hours.”
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
Had a German sausage for the first time today,
The worst thing about driving a Time Machine....
.....is the kids at the back asking, "Are we then yet?"
My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.
He drinks straight from the bottle.
When I was leaving home for the first time, my dad said to me, "Don't forget to write."
I thought, "That's unlikely. It's a basic skill, isn't it ?"
What do you call a person with one eye that's sad all the time?
Every time I put my car in reverse.
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