[At dinner] Her: I think we need to break up. For starters, Iβm sick of your awful jokes at the worst times.
Me: Ok, and for the main course?
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︎ Dec 18 2020
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you canβt have your Kate and Edith too
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︎ Dec 23 2020
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
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︎ Nov 02 2020
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
My grandpa used to have a job keeping score at baseball games. Every time someone scored a run, he'd whack up a mark on a chalkboard.
Nowadays you'd call him a scorekeeper, but back then he was a tally whacker.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My co-worker Nicholas is rarely late for work meetings, but it often shows up within 2 minutes of the meeting start time
I guess he likes to show up in the nick of time.
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︎ Sep 07 2020
What time do ducks wake up?
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︎ Jun 09 2020
Although at times the cops were able to catch up to that orange car on the Dukes of Hazard tv show...
...GeneralLee they werenβt fast enough
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Why do people in Athens have a hard time waking up in the morning?
Because dawn is tough on Greece.
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︎ Jun 03 2020
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.
She did not hold Up well.
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Catch up with the times.
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︎ Mar 24 2020
In the early days of Tesla, they had difficulties getting the CEO to show up on time to meetings, so they trained a puppy to find him and bark until he arrived...
...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".
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︎ Jul 02 2020
Got up this morning and ran around the block five times
Then I got tired so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box!
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︎ Jul 16 2020
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
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︎ Apr 29 2020
I saw an old comedian up on stage one time.
He had lots of laugh lines.
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︎ Jun 08 2020
My friend used to get so nervous that he peed his pants every time he had to stand up in his third grade class.
Finally he quit his job as a teacher.
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︎ Jun 05 2020
The first time Prince Charles went white water rafting, he threw up on himself when the river grew turbulent...
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︎ Apr 04 2020
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, βCan you imagine being that strong?β
So I picked up the leaf and said, βYes.β
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︎ Dec 02 2018
What do you call a nordic person who never shows up on time?
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︎ Apr 03 2020
I really don't like hanging around horses. Every time I come up with an idea, they say it won't work.
They're a bunch of neigh-sayers.
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︎ Feb 12 2020
I recently visited Washington state for the first time. Much to my surprise, it ended up being a warm and sunny day when I arrived! Put on a tank top, threw on some shades, and picked up an iced latte. I took a stroll through the park near the Space Needle and had a wonderful time.
I guess you could say I was sleeveless in Seattle
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︎ Mar 16 2020
So Iβve been dating this woman named Destiny for 2 years. Iβve been having a hard time coming up with more puns.
Iβve got a date with Destiny!
Reaching out to take Destiny into my own hands !
And a few other sub-par ones not worth mentioning.
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︎ Nov 30 2019
Dylan's girlfriend broke up with him and told her she needed some time apart but Dylan went looking for her place anyway.
I guess he didn't know what apartment.
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︎ Feb 28 2020
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time
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︎ Feb 15 2020
I was in the pub having a drink when a girl came up to me and said she can show me a good time. So I followed her out the back where she took off her top...
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
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︎ Jan 21 2020
I stood up in the middle of a meeting to fix the time on the clock. My boss told me sit down and do it later. I said...
βI guess itβs probably the wrong time.β
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︎ Feb 03 2020
Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
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︎ Oct 24 2019
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
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︎ Dec 22 2019
TIL - That in 17th century there were so many witches in France that they organized, rose up, and overtook the government for a time. I forget how many witches were involved or even what their movement was called....
But I bet it was a "beau-coup."
: )
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︎ Jan 02 2020
The worst part about driving a beat up old car is worrying that it could break at any time.
Or worse, that it might not.
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︎ Oct 15 2019
What do you call it when a bunch of crows accidentally show up to the same place at the same time?
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︎ Sep 19 2019
Every time my doorbell rings, my dog jumps up and stands in the corner.
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︎ Aug 22 2019
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
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︎ Sep 18 2019
After years of trying I have decided to give up on my life long dream of becoming a world renowned spaghetti chef. Itβs time to move on and stop living in ...
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 01 2019
So a Californian man has been in Boston for quite some time and has picked up on their accent a bit.
He was discussing vehicles with his friend and his friend asked if he had a truck. The Californian man responds, βno, but I avocadoβ
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︎ Oct 10 2019
It's that time of year that my wife's family divides up holiday hosting duties.
Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.
Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."
Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"
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︎ Oct 17 2019
My teenage daughter feels attacked by my jokes... after not getting up on time.
I told her that is her PUNishment..
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︎ Oct 03 2019
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
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︎ Oct 03 2019
My wife tried to spice up sexy time by putting a blindfold over my eyes
I did not see that coming.
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︎ Sep 10 2019
My daughter and I were playing on the beach today when I picked up her small bucket and stared at it for a long time. Puzzled, she asked, "Daddy, what're you doing!!?" Sounding concerned, I said, "Your bucket is sick!"
Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"
I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"
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︎ Jul 18 2019
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
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︎ Jul 20 2019
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