Don't know if this is a scam, but I just received a text saying I'd won Β£250 cash or 2 VIP tickets to an Elvis tribute night.
It says, " Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show...."
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︎ May 29 2021
Bought a circus ticket to see the gypsy girl's dancing bear.
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︎ May 27 2021
I used to buy lottery tickets every week....
.....until I realised you could watch it on T.V. for nothing.
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︎ May 21 2021
A policeman pulled me over the other day and started crying as he was writing me a traffic ticket. I asked him why was he crying?
He said it was because I committed a moving violation.
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!
If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.
You've got to be Inuit to win it
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
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︎ Jun 20 2020
I told the cop, βYou canβt give me a ticket. Iβm running a marathon tomorrow.β
The cop said, βSir, thatβs not how you play the race card.β
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︎ Oct 27 2020
My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his plane ticket.
I guess neither of us will be getting high.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
Tickets on sale now for 50 Cent opening for Nickelback...
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︎ Jan 11 2021
βJudge, 50% of my parking tickets are bogus!β
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok..... Judge, half of my parking tickets are bogus!
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for the day.
Push him out of the plane at 30,000 feet and heβll fly for the rest of his life.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Parked outside my favourite restaurant and ended up with a parking ticket...
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I won the top prize in a lottery themed around the world's tallest terrestrial animal
I guess a picked a pretty lucky giraffle ticket
π︎ 3
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︎ May 14 2021
It occurred to me today that I would have loved to see two of my favorite bands from the 90s, led respectively by David Usher and Gavin Rossdale, on the same ticket. The sign on the theatre would have been epic.
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︎ Nov 13 2020
Spend your last dollar on a $0.98 lottery ticket and see what you end up with.
That's just my two cents.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
Anyone seen my friend Timothy?
He went missing last week and no one knows where heβs gone. I was the last person to see him at the movie theatres. His last words to me; βhow many tickets?β
My last words were telling him: βGo, Tim book 2
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︎ May 27 2021
Why did the air conditioner didn't buy tickets to the Metallica concert?
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 21 2020
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
π︎ 28
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︎ Jun 04 2020
Last weekend I had tickets to go see Timmy, the Yodeling Shetland Pony.
Unfortunately, Timmy has to cancel. He was a little hoarse.
π︎ 8
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︎ Aug 02 2020
My friend gave me a losing lottery ticket
It didnβt make any cents
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︎ Oct 11 2020
I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and Iβve no idea why. I mean...
The sign clearly said, βFine for parkingβ.
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︎ Jul 20 2020
Why did the cow get a ticket?
Because of a mooing violation.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 20 2020
A twist on the Car(go) space meme or whatever that is
π︎ 60
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︎ Feb 15 2021
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
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︎ Apr 30 2020
This is (practically) the corniest gift imaginable. At the bottom of the soon to be gift wrapped box of corniness was a pair of Korn tickets for my lady...who enjoys my corny puns.
π︎ 23
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︎ Jan 25 2020
Iβve been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and Iβm getting really annoyed
It keeps asking me, βWhere do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says βHomeβ and then it makes me start all over again.
π︎ 18
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I guess you could call it a cinema ticket...
But I think it should be called a Tenet-see agreement
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I left work and a cop followed me home for my entire 50 minute commute then ticketed me in my own driveway.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.
I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.
He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
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︎ Jan 13 2020
A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?β He sighed...
"Itβs a moving violation!"
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 04 2020
I recently did a joke about a suicide bomber not having a return ticket
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 15 2020
Why did the noodle get a driving ticket?
π︎ 229
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︎ Dec 30 2019
I was pulled over with my son in the car for speeding. Got a ticket. Then the officer said Iβm free to go.
I replied βactually it cost me about $80β
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︎ Jul 15 2020
I donβt know if this is a scam or not? Iβve just received a phone call saying Iβve won $250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show...
Then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show
π︎ 8
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︎ May 21 2021
βOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?β
Cop: itβs a .....moving violation.
π︎ 15k
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︎ Apr 07 2020
PLEASE BE CAREFUL! I donβt know if this is a scam or not?
Iβve just received a phone call saying Iβve won Β£250 or 2 tickets for an Elvis Presley tribute show, then it said just press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Has anyone else had this?!
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︎ May 30 2021
βOfficer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?β
Cop: Itβs a...moving violation.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Nov 03 2019
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?
Cop: Itβs such a moving violation.
π︎ 67
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︎ Oct 21 2020
Buy a man an airplane ticket and he will fly once,
But push him out of the airplane, and he will fly for the rest of his life.
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︎ Aug 05 2020
βOfficer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?β
Cop: Yes. Itβs quite a moving violation.
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︎ Jul 16 2020
βJudge, I want to contest 50% of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus!β
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Ok. I want to contest half of my parking tickets. I think they are bogus.
π︎ 10
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︎ Aug 23 2020
βJudge, I want to contest 60% of my parking tickets!β
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. I want to contest 3/5 of my parking tickets!
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︎ Oct 31 2019
Give a man a plane ticket, he'll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane, he'll fly for the rest of his life
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︎ Aug 15 2019
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