I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth this morning.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
I made scrambled eggs this morning.
When I woke up this morning, I saw a bird of prey sitting in my backyard eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
My son video called me this morning
He said “Dad, couldn’t you have given me a better name then video?”
Our trash man tried to make a Dad joke this morning.
But it was a load of rubbish.
I went into the kitchen this morning and there was a "Get better soon" card on the table for me. I called out to my wife asking what it was for because I wasn't sick.
She shouted back from the other room "It's an ultimatum."
My neighbor, Mr. Coffee, came stumbling into the police station this morning.
Apparently, he had been mugged.
Tiger Woods was in a car accident this morning...
My boss told me I had to stay at home for 2 weeks after my wife bought me an espresso in bed this morning.
I mean, I only told him I woke up with a little coffee.
This morning, the milkman threw milk at my face
I wasn't feeling well this morning....
So, I took my gloves off.
Jack was greeted by several people this morning.
I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
Went to the zoo this morning and found a baguette in a cage.
Pretty sure it was bread in captivity.
I don’t know what way I should prepare my eggs for breakfast this morning.
I am having an eggsistential crisis, here.
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
This morning I turned up for a meeting for my premature ejaculators support group...
The guy who invented Velcro died this morning
I stepped on some Cheerios this morning
Does that make me a cereal killer?
I was racing my daughter to school this morning and I was winning.
She said that I was ahead, and I laughed when I told her “no, I’m a dad.”
This morning, I mistakenly deleted my hair
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
My son (8) walked out of the bathroom this morning and exclaimed "whoof!...
... I haven't peed since last year!"
I couldn't be more proud
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:
"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."
I love it when these things occur in nature!
I managed to do 60 push-ups this morning
My wife blindsided me this morning with this....
So I've been wanting to sell my motorcycle for a while but haven't gotten around to it.
While in the car this morning I saw a sign for a local shop that read "We buy used motorcycles." I pointed it out to her and she replies with, "if that's not a sign, I don't know what is."
I was so proud.
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
The sky looked a bit foreboding this morning, so I asked Siri "Surely it's not going to rain today?" Siri replied "It is, and don't call me Shirley."
I must have left my phone in Airplane mode.
I was grilling steak this morning...
I'll be in the bathroom a little longer this morning...
Because I've been holding this in since last year. Out of the way!
My wife told me it was really foggy this morning
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
I was left a package this morning. On the front in big red letters it said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND"
I thought to myself, how the f**k am I supposed to pick it up?
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.
Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.
Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
I saw my neighbor talking to her cat this morning...
It was clear she thought the cat understood her.
I came inside and told my dog. We had a good laugh about that.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
A conversation with my 11 year old this morning...
Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt.
Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt.
Son: gives me a blank look
Me: It's holy!
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
There I was this morning, sitting and drinking Coffee in my slippers , and I thought to myself..
..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.
A bug hit my windshield on the way to work this morning
I said “I bet you don’t have the guts to do that again”
I went to the first meeting of my premature ejaculator’s support group this morning..
I went out to my car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
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