I was out looking at beds with the family.
Wife: "I really like this bed."
Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
I said as I was taking away his dental implant.
They describe him as a shady character
Ice breaking session
After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest
i was getting off an airplane, and i passed a little boy who was saying "bye, plane!". i, remembering a dadjoke i saw here, said "no, this isn't a biplane" The kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look and said "you can't tell it's sexual preference based just on how it looks."
Walked into the gym locker room yesterday and some guy was half-jokingly ranting about smelly dudes in the gym to the guys around him. I'm just doing my thing, getting dressed, putting on deodorant when the guy notices me.
Guy: See, this guy gets it. Thank you for actually using deodorant.
Me: No sweat.
I was checking out the reduced section, when a woman beside me pointed at a bakery item and said to her child "Scone". I replied "Nah, it's still there." I should have walked away at this point, instead I stood proudly grinning for at least 30 seconds.
The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"
Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"
The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."
Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"
...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."
By the time it airs, she's gonna be called Fifteen.
It was given an 8 and 1/2 by Eleven
I went to a store to return a few items. I got in line for one of the registers. As it became open, another man who had been waiting at a different register, looked over. I pointed to the line I was in and said, "Go ahead."
Him: "No, that's OK."
Me: "Are you sure?"
Him: "No, I'm someone else but you can go right ahead."
It got quite the response from everyone who heard.
I work for a large home improvement store in the plumbing department. Every now and then we get phone calls in asking general plumbing questions. This is how my conversation went the other day.
"Hi, thanks for calling [store name]. This is plumbing"
To which I got
"Hi, plumbing. This is Ron"
ugh.
We couldn't find the reptile in the aquarium. I'm pretty sure the exhibit was empty.
So I said to my son: "Oh look! He's right under there!"
My boy has heard that one a million times already and wasn't taking the bait.
But! - The stranger standing next to us says: "Under where?"
"LOL! - I made you say Underwear"
Dude smiled and groaned. My kid laughed his ass off.
I spotted a turtle swimming in one of the ponds. A kid with a family next to me excitedly said, "it looks like he 's coming over here!"
To which I replied, "yeah, he's coming right tortoise."
I went into the bathroom to wash my hands after lunch, and as I'm washing my hands I notice the person next to me is staring at me in the mirror trying to make eye contact. So I looked up and she said "this water is getting out of hand." I looked down at her hands, and she had them cupped under the running water, with the water pouring over the sides. We've been best friends ever since.
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."
