Stranger Puns

As if i care who that Guy F××××s.

I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

I had never met herbivore

Me: Yeah, she’s an Eleven

They describe him as a shady character

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

Ice breaking session

"Sorry to brother you, bye."

Try NeverMetHerbivore.com

After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest

• Mm?
• No, not that many

And I did, because I'm a removal man.

He lacked magnetism...

I'm calling it Otter Stuff.

i was getting off an airplane, and i passed a little boy who was saying "bye, plane!". i, remembering a dadjoke i saw here, said "no, this isn't a biplane" The kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look and said "you can't tell it's sexual preference based just on how it looks."

Bobert: "No."

I tell them that I haven't seen stranger things than Stranger Things.

My girlfriend and I were walking with her carrying a backpack and I was holding a bag of ice on each shoulder.

Random woman walks by and just looks at both of us and goes "she's really giving you the cold shoulder"

I was just floored. I never saw her before and I've never seen her again but I really hope things are working out for her.

Their website says it won’t come out until 12:00 am PDT, they were very pacific about that point.

Walked into the gym locker room yesterday and some guy was half-jokingly ranting about smelly dudes in the gym to the guys around him. I'm just doing my thing, getting dressed, putting on deodorant when the guy notices me.

Guy: See, this guy gets it. Thank you for actually using deodorant.

Me: No sweat.

I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.

Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.

Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.

When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.

When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205”

And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”

I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.

No, really. I have a report on knees due this week, but I got too inebriated to finish on my own. My partner got pissed at me, which I understand because this project is a joint effort and all.

So I need Reddit's help to come up with some good ones to save the day and make the class laugh!

I guess you could say I got a brand new pair of shoos.

The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"

Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"

The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."

Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"

...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."

Medical experts have named it "carpool tonal syndrome".

I was checking out the reduced section, when a woman beside me pointed at a bakery item and said to her child "Scone". I replied "Nah, it's still there." I should have walked away at this point, instead I stood proudly grinning for at least 30 seconds.

That's how you get kidnapped.

Pineapple right-side up cake.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

My Dad replies with "Is for horses, sheep & cows.".

Everything :(

It was given an 8 and 1/2 by Eleven

The man asks, “What kind of dog is that, a setter or a pointer?” He replies, “Neither. He’s an upsetter and a disappointer.”

You're only looking to get your ass kicked.

and were walking up stairs to go to bed, when this exchange took place:

GF: "Whoa, there's a tv remote all the way over here on the stairs, isn't that weird?"

Me: "Meh, I've seen stranger things."

GF: "Oh my god, STOP!" it got an eye roll and chuckle out of her though.

I wash windows for a summer job when i am home from college.

Today I was washing a window to a nail salon when an older gentleman was walking past, and he hit me with a zinger.

"How's the window washing business going?"

<without waiting for a response> "You must be cleaning up!" He then walked away chuckling to himself.

Coworker: Huh. The Duffer Brothers are twins. Who knew?

Me: Their Parents.

I went to a store to return a few items. I got in line for one of the registers. As it became open, another man who had been waiting at a different register, looked over. I pointed to the line I was in and said, "Go ahead."

Him: "No, that's OK."

Me: "Are you sure?"

Him: "No, I'm someone else but you can go right ahead."

It got quite the response from everyone who heard.

I work for a large home improvement store in the plumbing department. Every now and then we get phone calls in asking general plumbing questions. This is how my conversation went the other day.

"Hi, thanks for calling [store name]. This is plumbing"

To which I got

"Hi, plumbing. This is Ron"

ugh.

As I was leaving the Home Depot today an elderly man likely in his 70's approached me and said,

"Hey young man I want to tell you something, you how they always see bees flying around gas stations?"

I didn't but I wanted to leave so I said "yes"

He says "Well they found out the bees are using the bathroom while they're flying around the gas station... And you know what their favorite gas station is?"

I say "Ummm nope"

He says "BP! Bee pee! You get it!"

I got a good laugh at that one and for some strange reason I feel that some number of years from now I will be trolling the Home Depot parking lot making Bee Pee jokes and someone will send me back in time to save dad joking for future generations and I will tell myself that joke for the first time today...

I'm driving around looking for a friend's house who's just moved in and my phone's dead so I can't look it up.

I see a guy so I stop to ask him, "What's the best way to get to Seymour Road?"

"Get a bigger windscreen."

I laughed against my will.

Was at food truck event this evening. After getting our food we sat at a table with a couple we meet while in line. My wife and the other lady were talking. The lady asks my wife a question but she had just taken a bite of grilled octopus. I know the answer so I chime in. I then apologize for my wife stating she was pre-octo-pied and could not answer for herself.

We couldn't find the reptile in the aquarium. I'm pretty sure the exhibit was empty.

So I said to my son: "Oh look! He's right under there!"

My boy has heard that one a million times already and wasn't taking the bait.

But! - The stranger standing next to us says: "Under where?"

"LOL! - I made you say Underwear"

Dude smiled and groaned. My kid laughed his ass off.

I saw a guy with a tattoo of some rabbits on his bald head, when I asked him why, he said, "From a distance they look like hares."

I was taking an order tonight and one of the children ordered the chicken fingers. I told him that they were actually chicken strips. Everyone at the table let the comment gloss over them except for the dad, who smirked and started nodding. We broke the silence by simultaneously declaring "because chickens don't have fingers."

Hanging out drinking some beers with some people, one girl asks the host, "Where should I put my cans?" To which I deftly reply, "I think you should probably just keep them in your shirt". Host loses it, girl looks kind of embarassed, quick to apologize to her and she was cool about it.

I spotted a turtle swimming in one of the ponds. A kid with a family next to me excitedly said, "it looks like he 's coming over here!"

To which I replied, "yeah, he's coming right tortoise."

They're so much more interesting than normalers.

I went into the bathroom to wash my hands after lunch, and as I'm washing my hands I notice the person next to me is staring at me in the mirror trying to make eye contact. So I looked up and she said "this water is getting out of hand." I looked down at her hands, and she had them cupped under the running water, with the water pouring over the sides. We've been best friends ever since.

I was riding my bike home at night after work and I stopped at McD's to grab a burger. I was wearing my headlamp and an old man that was in the lobby asked me "Does that ever make you feel light-headed?" I groaned and congratulated him on being a grand dad.

We were sitting in a waiting room and he decided to break the ice.

Stranger: "It's a great day for the race."

Me: "What race?"

Stranger: "The human race."

I swear I met herbivore.