So I Sined to it
Thus began the Zeus Toot Riots.
I always check the collar ID
He sensed something amiss
People are already calling the character Rando Calrissian.
...details are sketchy.
Like...
Pur-El.
Darude Sandstorm
> Me: Do you know anything about student loans?
> Boss: A little, why?
> Me: Just looking into things, wondering a bit how they work.
> Boss: Well you have to pay them back.
> Me: Interest-ing
"Not Yeti."
And some unknown Arab country above it.
A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.
"moo."
The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.
He's interrupted again, "moooo."
The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."
The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.
"Oooooommmm-"
Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."
"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."
The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"
"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.
The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"
The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"
Sure son, it's a thing that is unspecified or unknown
Because it's only 19
Credit: Unknown
... but was fired for taking a couple of days off!
Not unknown, but a fave. I also wanted to say I became a certified dad today! I plan on utilizing this sub to torture my new child.
I said "Are you kidding, I didn't even see the accident." (Props to the Unknown Comic.)
To celebrate the 200th birthday of Charles Darwin, the scientific community joined together for a party. As is common at such gatherings, the Biologists began to argue about what species was the most suited to its environment. Finally after much heated debate, a group of scientists pledged to spend the rest of the year exhaustively researching the Biological record to once and for all determine which creature was the ultimate example of adaptivity and proficiency ever to live.
Yesterday, the results were announced at the National Academy of Sciences. The creature identified as the most adaptive and proficient in Earth's history was a previously unknown animal from the Mesozoic era, a water dwelling insect that thrived for a hundred million years.
It was ... a FishAnt
After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
-
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
-
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the stranger’s hand and immediately he asked:
-
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasn’t in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didn’t even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
-
Thank you
Procrastinator's Anonymous will be canceled because all the members have put off coming to at least next week. (Credit unknown)
Jane finally decided to join Narcotics Anonymous after getting needled into coming. (Original)
I bet you 50:1 odds that Joe won't be here at Gamblers Anonymous tonight. (Original)
As Laura spoke at AA, I found her account intoxicating. (Original)
Even if I were transgender, I doubt I'd ever go to a Crossdressers Anonymous meeting. I hear those meetings are literally a drag. (Original)
At a computer users' group, a guy was complaining that his Linux-loving girlfriend refused to do Windows. (Original)
I plum need to attend a Purple Anonymous meeting. (Original)
Once upon a time Quasimodo was growing old and wanted to retire. Before he could, he had to hire someone new to ring the bells of the Church of Notre Dame in his place. He placed an ad in the newspaper but only one man showed up for the interview. This man happened to have no arms. The man begged Quasimodo to give him a chance, and that despite his appearance he could indeed perform the duties of the job. Quasimodo eventually caved and gave him a chance. The next day at 1:00 sharp they met in the bell tower. The man with no arms takes a wide stance near the edge of the room and charges directly towards the bell at a dead sprint. He smacks the bell squarely with his head and it produces a wonderful sonorous ring. Pleased with the results, Quasimodo tells him that if he can continue to ring the bell for the rest of the day he has the job. 2:00 passes and the man with no arms headbuts the bell twice, at 3:00 three times, and on and on until at 12:00 he produces only 11 rings before he was so disoriented and concussed that he charges right past the bell, over the railing, and falls to his death. The next day when the police investigate the mysterious death of an unknown man with no arms Quasimodo was asked if he knew anything about the dead man. He told them " I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell"
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."
Prom was really shitty and I felt out of place. Everyone was in line at the shitty buffet. First thing there was a roll followed by little cups of an unknown thing.
Other Person: Is this butter? (Asking everyone in line)
Me: It butter be
Groans from everyone
Our party had just been attacked by an unknown assailant.
DM: Roll a spot check
Me: 12
DM: You see jack shit
Me: Okay, I yell, "Jack, this is not the time for that, we are being attacked!"
I was at the beach and my wife and I were doing a crossword puzzle. She is a teacher and much more vocabularily knowledgable than I am. After filling in a few, one of the words she answered was unknown to me.
Me - "Babe, is that a word?"
Her - "Yalta? it's a city."
Me - "Yalta?" and as nonchalantly as is possible, I say "Why I Yalta."
She confusingly looked at me trying to understand what had just come out. She then laughs, proclaims "you are such an idiot," and continues laughing for a good while after, even to this day. Daily stupid joke quota filled.
I remember this one from my toddler years. My b-day is June 14, which happens to be the unknown holiday called Flag Day.
Me: "Daddy, guess what day it is?"
Dad: "Oh, is it the 14^th already? Happy Flag Day son!"
I would get really upset at him every year for that one until I started to get the joke. Alternatively, my mom's birthday happens to be December 25. So you can imagine:
Mom: "Merry Christmas, honey!"
Dad: "Christmas? Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought it was your birthday!"
So recently I started playing Xcom : Enemy Unknown with my friends via screenshare, and everytime I had a 100 percent chance to hit,
Every time,
I would say "Pretty good odds, if you ask me."
I got some shoes earlier this year and the laces just broke in them, which I was rather upset about, because, for some unknown reason, I really liked these laces. I was changing them out with new ones, and I decided to, out-loud mind you, make a Big Lebowski reference and said, "It's a shame these broke. They really tied the shoes together." I immediately fell over laughing so hard at my own stupid joke.
MURDER AT COSTCO STORE
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this.........)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 Costco
