A Cheeseburger
I was checking out at the dollar with a Sprite, some chocolate Bunnie candies and cream eggs yesterday. As I approach the counter, the dude asks me if I found everything alright.
I pause for a moment, think about it, and say to him.
"So, I see you guys have the Easter candy out. Any idea on when you'll have in the Wester candy?"
The dude thought about it seriously for a second, then he got it. He looks dead at me as I'm sure I had the dumbest smile on my face, groans and starts laughing too.
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?”
Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes”
Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?”
Unsuspecting Victim: “No”
Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
Dad: I've got a 4 figure tax return!
Me (unsuspecting: Really?!? How much?
Dad: £11.11
She would behead other unsuspecting merfolk and toss their gills and necks into hot water, which she would gleefully drink. Luckily, justice was swift, and the courts quickly found her gill-tea.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSf00ewCiko&feature=youtu.be&t=180
Includes all the important aspects of a good dad joke:
- Innocent setup by unsuspecting teammate
- Perfect delivery of terrible dad joke
- High five from another shameless dad nearby
- Look of severe disapproval from contest judge who can't believe you just did that in front of your entire country
Finally had an original AND an unsuspecting victim. I was lugging a huge piece of wood and I put it in our wood burner. Huffing and puffing I said "Wow! That's some Lionel Richie wood!" She looks at me with a question mark and said "what?" I said "You know; ALL NIGHT LOOOOOGGG, ALL NIGHT, ALL NIGHT LOOOGGG!" The eye rolling was like Christmas came early.
Normal jokes are created, dad jokes are grown.
Made this one up for my unsuspecting kids today and got the desired results : )
Because they have tiny antibodies!
I dropped this joke on an unsuspecting lecture hall after an hour's worth of lecture about immune assays. The lecturer even repeated the joke and the punchline into her mic so the whole thing is recorded. I've never heard so many people groan in unison, about 150.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."
Unsuspecting straight-person stating the obvious: "You've had a haircut!"
Dad: "No, actually, I had several of them cut.
...y'know, it works out cheaper to have them all done at the same time!"
Dad: "Hey let's go eat at that new restaurant over there"
Unsuspecting victim: "It's not new, the sign says 'Serving delicious food since 1923'"
Dad: "Yeah, that was only... dramatically looks at watch... 24 minutes ago!"
My brother's name is Micah. He is 13 years younger than me, so I am kinda a dad figure for him. Every year I find a new person to tell this one:
Me: "All my brother gets for Christmas is surfacing" Unsuspecting newbie: "Huh" Me: This present is for Micah. That present is for Micah...
Me: Did you know it's against the law for people living across the street from a cemetery to be buried there?
Unsuspecting victim: Why?
Me: They aren't dead.
Unsuspecting child being asked the question: "Under where??"*
"UNDERWEAR!!? EWW!"
*I was told this joke in elementary school by one of the teacher aides ...she randomly approached me as we were coming in from the playground and I was so confused by the question, I answered "What?" " I wasn't eating!" "What do you mean?" and "Under what?!" until she finally gave up and said "no you're supposed to answer "under WHERE" !!
My father has learned to do this whenever I am most vulnerable and unsuspecting and he usually gets me, but here's how it goes
(normal conversation) Me: Says something about being hungry
Dad: Hey, want a Snicker bar?
Me: Yes please!
Dad: Me too, that sure sounds good right now.
Me:....
Unsuspecting victim: "Just water's fine."
Dad: "Are you sure you don't want a cup to go with it?"
;)
Dad: Did you hear that Stop and Shop and A&P are going to merge?
Unsuspecting friend of mine: Really?
Dad: Yeah, they're going to call it "Stop and pee."
Told as many timed as I had friends...
and the dadliest dad i've ever heard dropped this one on his unsuspecting wife...
wife: i think i'm going to run down to the store, can you keep an eye on the kids?
dadliest dad: you know, if you just drive down it would probably be a lot quicker.
wife: okay, thanks for the suggestion smartypants.
dadliest dad: <smirkliest smirk>
the wifes response to this goldmine made me realize that he is, indeed, a walking(unlike his wife), talking, dadjoke.
MURDER AT COSTCO STORE
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this.........)
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 Costco
