I was out looking at beds with the family.
Wife: "I really like this bed."
Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."
A Mass Tooting
...is really not my cup of tea.
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Do you still need a push?"
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
I said as I was taking away his dental implant.
I said, “Don’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”
As if i care who that Guy F××××s.
Me: Yeah, she’s an Eleven
They describe him as a shady character
i was getting off an airplane, and i passed a little boy who was saying "bye, plane!". i, remembering a dadjoke i saw here, said "no, this isn't a biplane" The kid's dad immediately gave me a condescending look and said "you can't tell it's sexual preference based just on how it looks."
After the feeding she couldn't get the baby to sleep so she charged it with resisting a rest
Ice breaking session
My girlfriend and I were walking with her carrying a backpack and I was holding a bag of ice on each shoulder.
Random woman walks by and just looks at both of us and goes "she's really giving you the cold shoulder"
I was just floored. I never saw her before and I've never seen her again but I really hope things are working out for her.
Walked into the gym locker room yesterday and some guy was half-jokingly ranting about smelly dudes in the gym to the guys around him. I'm just doing my thing, getting dressed, putting on deodorant when the guy notices me.
Guy: See, this guy gets it. Thank you for actually using deodorant.
Me: No sweat.
"Sorry to brother you, bye."
And I did, because I'm a removal man.
He lacked magnetism...
No, really. I have a report on knees due this week, but I got too inebriated to finish on my own. My partner got pissed at me, which I understand because this project is a joint effort and all.
So I need Reddit's help to come up with some good ones to save the day and make the class laugh!
I'm calling it Otter Stuff.
Medical experts have named it "carpool tonal syndrome".
I’ve never been so happy to make everyone at a table hate me.
Another player and I were getting into a pretty big pot at the Texas Hold Em table at my local casino last night.
Towards the end of the hand, he went “all-in” meaning he bet all of the rest of his chips.
When he pushed his stacks of chips in the middle, there was a really long hair hanging off of the chips that stayed attached to the top of his chip stack.
When the dealer counted up his stack he said “the bet is $205”
And I replied “ah, so just a hair over 200 dollars then??”
I’ve never wanted kids, but the audible groans I was rewarded with are now making me think I might be ignoring my calling.
I give it a rating of ELEVEN out of 10
Their website says it won’t come out until 12:00 am PDT, they were very pacific about that point.
I was checking out the reduced section, when a woman beside me pointed at a bakery item and said to her child "Scone". I replied "Nah, it's still there." I should have walked away at this point, instead I stood proudly grinning for at least 30 seconds.
I guess you could say I got a brand new pair of shoos.
The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"
Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"
The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."
Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"
...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."
Pineapple right-side up cake.
That's how you get kidnapped.
By the time it airs, she's gonna be called Fifteen.
My Dad replies with "Is for horses, sheep & cows.".
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes." comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing."