[NSFWish] Did you hear about the new eyelid replacement surgery for burn victims?

They use foreskin to replace them. Only side-effect is coming out a little cockeyed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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"Cheer up, you could be a replacement stake in the ground for barbed wire to stretch upon," said one new joke to another.

"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Are you the replacement teacher for my class today?

Sorry, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bionic_Sandwich
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2020
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Why were all the witnesses at Shakira's trial THJR replacement patients?

Because hips don't lie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2020
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Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?

He’s finding it hard to deal with.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcswiss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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I just bought a replacement tire for 20 bucks more than I had paid for the old one which had gone flat.

Damn inflation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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A friend of mine from the south just got a hip replacement.

Now he Mississippi

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pussy_b0ss
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?

I think he just did it for a tin chin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/doodlebug02
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
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What did the dying router tell the new replacement?

Tell my WiFi love her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FarkGrudge
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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Got the window replacement guy yesterday

Window Guy: "Once we get a delivery date from the factory, we'll call you to set up an install time. We like to shoot for 4-5 days after delivery. "

My Response: "So you'll call and give me a window?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/griff56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2016
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Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.

That was the highlight of my day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PrisonMike1111
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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& I am planning to replace the laptop
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepunnisters
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.

I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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This light in the bathroom at my office has been out for a year. Today it was finally replaced. One might say it was the β€œhighlight” of my day
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mojoson24
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Did you hear the story in the news about the man who planned to replace his head with a rabbits?

What a hare-brained scheme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Philopean12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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I replaced my cats litter with pop rocks to scare the shit out of her

Litterally

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SenpaiRemling
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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Someone stole my through-hole printed circuit board components and replaced them with surface mount. The police investigated..

But there are no leads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PdSales
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons

That wasn't knife

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
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Accordian to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ralph-Hinkley
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
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My cat, JOJO, fighting Dio (circa, 1886). Tis a purrfect parody. Anime: Jojo’s bizarre adventures. Pun Clarification: Hamon is a fighting energy in the anime, you can see that the pun was replacing the word Salmon.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamJamCuddlyLamb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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If the parachute doesn't open, bring it back and we will replace it.

Heard from an old Jump Instructor while handing out parachutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l4fngm4n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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I had to replace all the windows in my house today...

What a pane.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maskillzizillz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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I just finished replacing the glass in my bedroom window

It was a real pane

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Payasin70
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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At an auction at a Tourette's syndrome charity, I won a bid for an origami sculpture of scissors made by Dwayne Johnson. To emphasize the charity's cause, he replaced a bad word with a family-friendly word on his origami scissors.

The Rock's paper scissors said "Shoot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"

Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.

Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"

And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ancil5199
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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A church recently sustained a lot of damage, and had to hire a contractor in order to replace all of it's bells which were destroyed. After completing the work, all of the contractors were promptly arrested.

They were charged with re-belling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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Excellent customer service.

I bought a T-Shirt the other day but it kept giving me static electric shocks every time I tried to wear it.

I took it back to the store and they kindly replaced it with another one free of charge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PringyUK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peoples888
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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I contacted someone to replace the old wood on my floor.

I’m still waiting for a re ply.

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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After being warned to protect my new phone, I finally got my protection in the mail today. They sent me one meant for a teen girl with bieber on it. I still will use it until i can replace it to protect my phone.

Just in: Case; Justin case. Just Encase, just in case.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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What do you get when you replace the carbonation in a cola with helium?

A coke float.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yaboymas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The crew began removing/replacing our siding this morning

It's ex-siding

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigfatbeard
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.

I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee

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πŸ‘€︎ u/karmamountain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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Why couldn't the viking clan replace the boat they lost?

They couldn't affjord it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lobsterbash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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So this whole Kylie Jenner being replaced by an egg as the most likely photo...

I hear she was oeuf-ended.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leto-The-Second
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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A guy was born without eyelids

They decided to replace it with some of his foreskin, it all went well but the surgery was a little cockeyed

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TotoWolffsDesk
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Accordion to a recent study, you can replace one word with the name of a musical instrument without anybody noticing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrBELDING69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.

It was a reduction.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/faireduvelo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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I had my transmission worked on the other day and they forgot to replace the fluid.

That really grinds my gears.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Printnamehere3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
🚨︎ report
You want to know how to make this Easter holiday easier?

Replace the T with an I

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nijewkin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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My dad's amazing driving advice to my sister: "I can replace any mailbox you hit. If you collide with a cop car, I've got a good attorney. If you run over a nun, God will forgive you. But if you hit my truck, you better leave the f***ing country."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iwillhavethat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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I've always wanted to replace the Mediterranean with orange soda.

I guess it's always been my greatest Fanta Sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjsound
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
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Tokyo replacing Kyoto as the Japanese capital makes a lot of sense.

Not only did they move the capital east, they moved the "Kyo" to the east of "To" as well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaitero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2017
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Who is the second coolest man in hospital?

The hip replacement guy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stonefly_C
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
The airline says replacing old Dash-8s with new 737s will mean quicker flights on all impacted routes, but...

it’s obviously a longer plane ride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
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They replaced the old flat map in our office with a much larger one that has raised textures

It's a huge relief

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πŸ‘€︎ u/username_liets
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2017
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The Jewish nation that replaced palestine is defensive about its existance.

Is real.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2016
🚨︎ report
Replaced the garbage disposal because the old one started leaking.

Got home from Lowe's. Jumped in and installed it. Told my wife no leaks and it's quieter. She said "how much was it?"

"There goes 200 bucks 'down the drain'."

She rolled her eyes, walked away. Now I have to do the dishes.

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMYTAITY
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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We all wonder what special knowledge you need to replace the great Dick Clark, but for now,

it's Ryan's Secrets

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report
My dog initially barked when the people installing my shingles started then barked again as they finished...

Re-roofing complete.

*Edit: reworded punchline. I think it might be better said "replacing my shingles" but I cannot for the life of me edit that part...

*ahem* without hacking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Mexican restaurant that replaced all its fire extinguishers with jars of cheese and salsa?

The labels all read "break in queso emergency".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamoose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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Who's the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultra sound guy.

When he's not at work it's the hip replacement guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjangoVanTango
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
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When does a bad joke become a dad joke

When you replace the b with a d

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullshotz1324
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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I once had a job in a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept running into a problem. I wasn’t applying the dots fast enough. It was a mental thing - I’d get hung up on where should I apply the next dot so it doesn’t look bad, etc. But one of the guys who’d been there longer than I had gave me a piece of advice. He told me to cross to my eyes. That way, I could just kinda zone out and hit the t-shirt a few times randomly without paying much attention to where exactly I was applying the dots. It worked like magic.

Well eventually I was getting ready to leave the factory and they had me train my replacement. It only took one day. I left him with one piece of advice. I told him not to get too hung up on the specific details but just to make sure he dotted his tees and crossed his eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoyoteTheFatal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm the proud owner of an axe that once belonged to Abraham Lincoln...

I replaced the head once,and the handle twice, but it feels good to own a piece of American history.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
"i tried replacing the hose, thinking that was the problem, but it didnt work"

"well, did you replace the bros first? You know what they say: bros before hose"

My boyfriend proceeded to laugh to himself for several minutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unaspirateur
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Was helping my dad replace some old outlets the other day when...

Me: How many times do you think electricians get electrocuted? Dad: Once.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/miaowewo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
🚨︎ report
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad (grandpa): I'm having the solar guy come over today, we're going to redo the whole system.

Me (dad): You're going to redo the whole solar system?

My dad: Yeah, we're gonna put in a new transformer and replace some cable and add some panels.

Me: But where are you gonna put Jupiter?

My son: Daaaaaad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebardingreen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently replaced the surfaces in our kitchen to surprise my wife...

...and I used the cheap stuff, but it looked real, so I thought maybe it'd fool her.

No such luck. My wife is so "counter-intuitive" due to her high "counter-intelligence" that it didn't matter how "counter-productive" I'd been, she took one look at it and just knew. So instead of taking it for "granite," she threw a "counter-fit."

(Proud dad. All the jokes in this subreddit sound like ones I would make...)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinJamm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
🚨︎ report
This Happened Today at Dinner

*sister takes out the trash but doesn't replace the trash bag*

Dad: "hey do you have a whole butt?"

Sister: *blinks* "what?"

Dad: "do you have a whole butt? or do you have a half butt?"

Sister: "uh I am pretty sure a whole butt..."

Dad: *points to trashcan* "then why did you half ass the job?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/amiyawatkins
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2019
🚨︎ report
[Pun request] Bubbles

Next week the museum I work at begins a three-week run of what we call Bubblefest. There will be bubbles everywhere, a bubble laser show, all kinds of exhibits and interactive shows explaining some of the science involved with bubbles. So I need some jokes and puns to replace the old standby of "my pop is bigger than your pop!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chilehead
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I won a unique item at the Celebrity Origami charity auction.

The auction's goal was to raise money for Tourette syndrome research by selling origami figures made by famous celebrities. To highlight the purpose of the auction, the organization in charge asked all participating celebs to write a replacement of a naughty four-letter word most closely associated with the disorder.

For example, George Clooney's origami penguin said Fudge instead of the F-word.

Margot Robbie's paper flower said Beach instead of the B-word.

I bid on the origami made by Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock's paper scissors said Shoot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
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I bet you $19182919727 that you didn't read that number.

I bet you didn't notice I put a letter in there either.

You just checked. You now realized there is no letter.

You also didn't realise I replaced the 'L' in 'letter' with an 'I'.

And now you realised that I didn't.

Have a nice day and enjoy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EternalClickbait
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
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My daughter was looking through the different sugars at a restaurant and asked me what the sugar substitute was.

I told her that it's who replaces the regular sugar when it calls out sick for work.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cellomold
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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All that starts well ends well?

Girlfriend's grandmum fractured her hip Saturday and got out of hip replacement surgery earlier today and has been given the green light that all is good!

I really want to tell her family "Hip hip hooray" but I think it will end up with me having one less person in my life.

We will see how that goes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiwaSohaides
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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When I was telling my parents about ants getting into my keyboard and them being murdered to death...

Dad: It's the Pink Panther.

Me: I don't get it.

Dad: Dead ant, dead ant...

He made up for it by giving me a replacement keyboard at least.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpaceLeopard
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2014
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I got a couple hours worth of homework today.

Replacing light bulbs, replacing the air filter, repainting that one wall, etc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Waddl3z
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
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A few days ago my next door neighbours glass fell out of the window frame in the living room.

They called a company who came out to replace the glass, it happened again two days later so the company came back again and replaced it. My neighbour asked why it was happening and the company told him that it was happening a lot in the area, and that a local animal was eating the putty we use to hold the glass in. My neighbour asked him what kind of animal could possibly do that??? He said yes it’s a cat..... A putty cat......

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funkcanna
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Coach: Brett you're out, Timmy you're in.

Brett: This isn't fair! I'm the best in the country! Why am I getting replaced by a baby? Coach: This is basketball. I replaced you with a baby because babys are good at dribbling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlanetCEC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Dad joked during clinicals today

Patient: Why couldn't they play cards on the Ark?

Me: Why?

Patient: Because Noah was standing on the deck.

He chuckled so satisfyingly. 84-years-old, one day post-op from a total knee replacement, proof that nothing can stop the dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 691
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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2014
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Out dad-joked my dad.

Walked into my parents house today to find that my father had replaced three ordinary light fixtures with ceiling fans.

Me- "dad you should really look at selling the house, it is more popular than ever."

Dad- "Why do you say that?"

Me- "Because it has more fans than ever."

Dad (after laughing more than I had ever heard him laugh) - "I wish I thought of that!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smurugger
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2014
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Grandad joke

When your so bad to the bone you get a hip replacement

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDoJ0
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Construction with dad

Dad and I have been replacing the fence in his back yard the last few weeks when I'm off work. We had the posts up but he finally put up the fence boards, and they're enormously tall. I reacted when I saw them.

"Jeez, dad, are you building a great wall?"

"No, a fence."

"None taken."

He responded with a glorious eye roll. It said, "I'm proud of you, son."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekhnomancer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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My dad just texted me this so I think it counts.

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.

He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.

A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.

As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GHOSTWRlTlNG
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Accordian to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ralph-Hinkley
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
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Accordion to a recent survey replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ordinarybloke1963
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hgbleackley
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
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Who’s the coolest guy in the hospital when the ultrasound guy isn’t there?

The hip replacement guy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnluckyBlock
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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I own an axe that belonged to Abraham Lincoln

I replaced the head once,and the handle has been replaced twice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Who's the coolest person in the hospital

The ultrasound guy

.........but when he's off sick, it's the hip replacent guy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anassis
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AaronKClark
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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