Warning: Do not buy tickets for the Eskimo lottery - they will sell you the ticket but they only pay out to native Eskimos.

You've got to be Inuit to win it

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronicstrawberry
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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Wife: Suppose you hit a jackpot of a Million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of a million , what will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Woodblockprint
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....

I now have $5.999,999,75c left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Why wasn't helium surprised or shocked when it won the lottery?

Because it's not a very good reactor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ginks_21
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have 999.999.75 left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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Husband: Honey! Pack your bags, I just won the lottery...

Wife: That’s wonderful, honey! Where are we going?

Husband: β€œWe’re” not going anywhere.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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When my friend won the lottery he was alarmed out how many relatives started contacting him...

It was heir raising.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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A cow wins the lottery...

Needles to say he was over the mooooon

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πŸ‘€︎ u/XanderMcpander
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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God finally answered my prayer for winning the $10 million lottery.

The answer was no.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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I won the lottery and squandered most of it on buying 17th century artwork and musical instruments.

It left me baroque.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.

What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skol_vkings
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Did you hear about the builder who won the lottery? He was so shocked that he fainted and fell into a vat of concrete...

Apparently he's set for life!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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A man asked his wife "What would you do if I won the Lottery?"

She replied "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great!", "I won $12, here's $6...Stay in touch......"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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My brother won 5 million dollars on the lottery, then promptly spent it all on a solid gold, jewel-encrusted garbage can.

What a waste!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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What do you call a psychic that wins the lottery?

A happy medium

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JasonTie
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
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Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery

But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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My friend recently got t-boned in his new car after winning the lottery. I asked him if he was a glass half full or glass half empty type of guy. He responded

Medium-well.

Edit: over-medium is for eggs

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UD_Gama_Reigh
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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What did the piss covered safe say to the man who won the lottery?

Urine lock

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πŸ‘€︎ u/me-no-smart
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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What do you call a lottery in the safari?

A Gir-raffle!

I’m not officially a dad till Oct 27 but I am one in the making!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHmm
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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What do they call you if you win the lottery in Rio de Janeiro?

A brazilionaire!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogusTheDogus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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I won the lottery and spent all my winnings on 17th century paintings and classical instruments

It left me baroque.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
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Did you hear about the baker who won the lottery but kept on working?

He kneaded it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spiritdad
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
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Wanna know how my bald Sheep won the lottery?

It was shear luck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sublime50lbc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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My son said he would pay off his student debt if he won the lottery.

I wonder what he'd do with the remaining Β£5.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
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Told my son if I win the lottery I'd give him half.

I won Β£50. I'm not sure if I should give him the Β£5 or Β£0.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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I was talking to my dad about the Lottery...

Me: "Did you see the lottery hit 1.3 billion?" Dad: "Yeah, thats a loto money."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leffdawg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2016
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My dad's plans if he ever wins the lottery.

"If I had millions of dollars, I would buy a new butt because mine has a hole in it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rebellion-lies
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2013
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Son asked if we won the lottery

My wife and I were in the kitchen and my son knew we had bought a lottery ticket and asked if we had won. I said "Yeah, we won millions of dollars and forgot to mention it" my wife said "No, we didn't win a thing, not even a dollar." Hearing two different answers he had to think for a bit then said "Ok, I get it. Mom was being serious and Dad was being Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_casual_observer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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