Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
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︎ Dec 16 2020
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt Iβd share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says βoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaidβ as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said βI donβt think it needs a bandaid, he looks like heβs going to bounce backβ
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife
$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I like talking to my kids about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I can now legally tell dad jokes so heres my favorite. What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
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︎ Nov 21 2020
Today I started decorating the Christmas tree with my kids....
But they started screaming and complaining, so I had to take them down.
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I caught my kid chewing on the electrical cords
So I had to ground him
Heβs doing better currently
And conducting himself properly...
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Why did the kid wrap all his books in a blanket?
So that he could cover the entire syllabus.
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︎ Dec 13 2020
Kid: Dad, what's the opposite of isolate?
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︎ Sep 11 2020
My kid asked me if Iβm going to put the Christmas tree up myself.
I said I was gonna put it up in the living room.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Why did the kid get a virus on his computer?
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︎ Oct 28 2020
What did the Buffaloes say when their kid left home?
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My kid dreams of one day living in the attic.
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︎ Nov 17 2020
The way kids are dressing these days makes me think they all have COVID-19...
...they obviously have no taste.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
What did the dad buffalo say to his kid when he dropped him off to school?
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Took my kids to the circus.
They especially enjoyed watching the clowns.
We won a backstage tour after the show, and happened to notice that all the people who were tallying up the tickets and sales were dressed as clowns, and happened to be little people...but none of them had been in the performances. When I asked the tour guide why they were dressed up even though they werenβt in the show, he replied, βDonβt you know? Itβs the little jesters that countβ.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
Hear about the kid who stole a calendar?
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︎ Nov 22 2020
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
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︎ May 06 2020
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.
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︎ Nov 19 2020
The wife was asking for recognition over the labours she endured for me, in order to give me my two kids...
So I thanked her for her cervix.
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︎ Nov 02 2020
I taught my kid to speed read today. He read Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone in 3 hours!
I know its only 6 words.. but its a start!
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Kids, Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all of its problems!!!
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︎ Oct 28 2020
Kid: Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
Dad: Somewhere. Ogre there.
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︎ Nov 04 2020
How do you train your kids to stop wetting the bed ?
Make them use an electric blanket.
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︎ Oct 25 2020
I came home to find out that one of my kids tore both the front and the back pages of our dictionary.
Things just went from bad to worse.
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︎ Oct 31 2020
Did you hear about the bored kids stranded on an island?
There was nothing they could do.
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︎ Oct 10 2020
A Chinese kid was born before the due date
Parents named him βSudden Leeβ
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︎ Sep 06 2020
I told my kids I served in the Baby Wars.
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Hey kids, do you know why did the banana go to the hospital?
He was peeling really bad! Hahaha!!
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︎ Oct 13 2020
My kids said I need to stop with the egg jokes, because theyβre not funny.
Yolkβs on them, I crack myself up!
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︎ Sep 07 2020
My kid wanted to join the orchestra. I said "sorry, but you're way too young for thatβ¦"
"β¦it has a lot of sax and violins."
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︎ Sep 13 2020
I was thinking that I am the kindest person in the world. Then I saw German kids.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
As a kid I was made to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
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︎ Sep 10 2020
I was going to buy my kid this winter coat we saw at the mall, but I couldn't afford it.
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︎ Sep 25 2020
Why did the kid rub herbs on his scraped knee?
Because his Dad told him thyme heals all wounds.
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︎ Aug 20 2020
Told my wife I was going with the kids to get glasses. She asked what we'll be doing afterward.
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︎ Aug 08 2020
I was walking by a kindergarden with my girlfriend, when she suddenly started throwing dry grapes at the kids.
At that moment I knew she was good at raisin children.
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︎ Oct 01 2020
A woman driving a minivan with 7 hyperactive kids gets pulled over for running a red light. The cop says βDonβt you know when to stop?β The woman says...
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My girlfriend and the kids went to get tested
Thankfully the tests came back negative and they're not my kids after all
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︎ Sep 17 2020
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. βWhyβd you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?β
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
The worst thing about time travelling are the kids asking:
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Why does the older generation hate the young lazy kids
They didn't do anything, to deserve that
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︎ Aug 05 2020
What did the father buffalo say to his kid while dropping him off at school?
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 10 2020
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