Shoutout to the individual who invented orthotics!

If it were up to me, you’d be a shoo-in for the Nobel Peace Prize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seisocho
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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To the individual who stole my glasses...

I will find you. I have contacts.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Congress just passed legislation limiting the number of hats an individual may own.

They put a cap on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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A group of ravens chased individual crows until the crows were cornered together

In other words, a conspiracy of ravens premeditated a murder of crows.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2017
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Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan ... (xpost /r/vegetarian)

Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan:

Ron Acerous, Sal Amander, Herb Avore, Chic Adee, Al Bacore, Paul R Baer, Al Batros, Wally Bee, Lady Bugg, Jay Byrd, Ann Chovie, Anna Condra, Barry Cuda, Terry Dactyl, Ray N Deer, Flo N Der , Erma Dillo, Ann Enome, Terry Err, Liz Erd, Ann Fibian, Dale Finn, Redd Fox, Buddy Fly, Ken Garoo, Allie Gator, Billy Goat, Pan Guin, Ann Gus, Hal Ibut, Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Anne Kelosaurous, Don Key, Ann T. Lope, Moe Lusk, C. Lyon, Chip Monk, Flo Mingo, Sal Mon, Anna Mull, Barr Nicole, Kay Nine, Kyle Otee, Al Paca, Lia Pard, Millie Pede, Ellie Phant, Arthur Podd, Jack Rabbit, Gerry Raffe, Ty Ranaceourous, Mack Rell, Wally Rus, Jack Russel, Fez Sant, Dina Sauer, Drew Sophila, Chris Station, Hal Steen, Clyde Sudale, Ann Teeter, Pan Ther, Earl Thurfworm, Tara Ann Tula, Bea Tule, Ray Venn, Bea Ver, and Beau Vine.

I couldn't have done it without your support !!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheStupidVegNoob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2016
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Dad gifts gaming PC to his sons in individual parts and wraps the components with some dad jokes.

http://www.reddit.com/r/buildapc/comments/1tnxio/my_kids_asked_for_a_gaming_computer_for_christmas/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wutda7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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When I moved to the city, I went to a bar where they only served individually wrapped cheese slices...

It was a cool singles bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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After seeing a dead bird I had to tell my 4 year old what it means.

I said it Δ­t : pro. Used to refer to that one previously mentioned. Used of a nonhuman entity; an animate being whose sex is unspecified, unknown, or irrelevant; a group of objects or individuals; an action; or an abstraction.

pro. Used as the subject of an impersonal verb.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dumbstupidhuman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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I went to a restaurant and when I got the bill, I was confused. I saw the prices individually but I didn’t see the
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glaserbeam
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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There's a nutcase going around our town stabbing people with knitting needles.

Twelve individuals have been attacked in the last 48 hours.

The Police have announced that the attacker could be following some kind of pattern

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
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Circumcision Puns Aren't Funny

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oemus2776
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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Many years ago, all the female Warlocks perished in the desert.

The individual male Warlocks, try as they might, could not master the art of bringing back their counterparts and all seemed lost.

Then, two young Warlocks found that, by working together - one recreating the body while the other recreated the soul - they could bring them back to life from the very sand they died in.

It's crazy but they could finish each other's Sand Witches.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techKnowGeek
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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A girl was putting up a sign.

A girl was putting up a sign, and while she was putting the individual letters in, the letter "i" fell out.

A guy happened to see the letter dropping and jumped to stop it from hitting the ground.

He caught it and the girl was thankful that he did so, this led to one thing and another, and soon they were dating.

To him, she was so charming, when he asked if she was this charming to other guys, she said :

"No, you just happened to catch my I."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
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Attention Punners

I am a representative from the r/PunPatrol and we have been seeing some of our officers have been arrested individuals on this server where in a peace treaty we have allowed Puns in this subreddit. We apologise for these rogue officers and have reported them to r/PunInternalAffairs . Thanks for understanding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWESOMEDUDE0614
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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Dad-joked my own Father while we were driving home.

My Dad and I were watching "Iron Man" on his truck's DVD player while he was driving me home. It cuts to a scene where someone was driving an Audi.

Dad: Ooh, that's a nice car.

Me: Meh, I don't like it.

Dad: You don't like the Audi?

Me: Nope.

Dad: Get out.

Me: You want me to get Audi your car?

Dad: ΰ² _ΰ² 

The groan he emitted was magnificent.

Edit: Individuals seem to be upset about him occasionally watching while he was driving. I apologize if this offends anyone. I talked to him, and he says he will make sure to only watch when he is stopped/parked. I will make sure he does so. Thank you for the concern!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaylorAlexis
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2015
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FPS

Let's say there was an individual that assassinated the husbands or wives of presidents by the means of a projectile weapon. Would said individual be a First-Person-Shooter?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/memyselfandieb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
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What is the meaning of life?

According to the dictionary: "the existence of an individual human being or animal"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neudeu
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2019
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[REQUEST] I need roast jokes for middle schoolers.

Mods, if this is against the rules, I apologize. Feel free to remove and I'll try and find better luck on Google.

I'm a middle school teacher and my 8th graders are graduating on Thursday. They've been a great, wonderful class to have, but they always complain about lame my jokes are. I feel that the most suitable way to send them off would be, either on the last day of class or at their graduation ceremony, would be to send them off with their own individual dad roast from me. (Think Norm MacDonald at the Bob Saget roast).

If anybody has any good dad roast jokes that won't get me fired nor get misconstrued for bullying, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thanks!

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
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He claims it was unintentional... but I laughed

Was working in the medical field today, helping a coworker put in 30ish individually wrapped syringes into a bag. They weren't put in the best orientation and required slight bit of pressure to close fully.

I told him to be careful even though there are caps on the syringes.

He responds: "I see your point."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
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I never know how to respond.

The other day I made lasagna for my family. Half of us love mushrooms while the other half hates them, so I usually make two.

Me (pointing to the individual ones): "That one has mushrooms and that one doesn't"

My dad got a sad look on his face when looking at the one w/o mushrooms and said, "Awh, this is terrible. I can't get the spatula in."

Me: "Why not?"

Dad: "There's not mush room in there"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coachz1212
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
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I like to collect the stupid things my family says.

This might be a bit long? My family isn't the brightest of individuals.

Sister: My balls are caught in the door!

Me: LOL, WHAT?

Sister: The poof balls on my shoes.


**Grandpa**: I saw you took my junk out of your car and threw it into my car.

**Grandma**: *grins and nods*

**Grandpa**: You're so sweet.

**Grandma**: And I saw lotto tickets too.

**Grandpa**: I dunno where those came from.

**Grandma**: Uh-huh. Probably a damn $5 dollar ticket too.

**Grandpa**: No, $2.

**Me**: He doesn't know where they came from, but he knows how much they cost.

**Grandpa**: *starts adding more to my list of chores*

~

**Grandpa**: It's kinda hot in here.

**Grandma**: NO IT'S NOT, Take off your damn clothes if you're hot.

**Grandpa**: Is that all you ever want me to do, take my clothes off?!

**Me**: OH DEAR GOD, I'M RIGHT HERE.

~

**TV**: The line, "To be, or not to be. That is the question!" is from which Shakespeare play?

**Grandma**: Julius Caesar, right?

**Me**:  Wow.

~

**Me**: How can you NOT like that movie. It has WILL SMITH.

**Grandma**: *thinks* Is it that movie, and he has a partner?!

**Me**: YES. And he's in the west and there's that giant spider at the end!

**Grandma**: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!

**ME**: I DID.

~

**Grandpa**: I need to get a tree saw.

**Grandma**: What's a tree saw...

**Me**: A TREE SAW. A saw, that saws trees. You can't simplify it anymore than that.

~

*while watching American Idol*

**Me**: Omg, that guy's nose is HUGE.

**Grandpa**: If he sniffs really hard, he could overdose on oxygen.

~

**Grandpa**: I'm looking for my camouflage underwear, but they're camouflaged so well, that I can't find them!

~

*Sister rambles on about hating cats and how they're scary*

**Me**: You're just a weenie, Tyla.

**Tyla**: Oh yeah?  Well at least Papa loves weenies!

*Me and Papa look at each other*

**Me**: I sure as hell hope Papa does NOT like weenies.

~

*As we drive home, the tornado siren goes off* 

**Kaylah**: Have you ever seen it?

**Me**: ...Seen what? 

**Kaylah**: The car with the siren.

**Me**: What in the hell are you talking about? 

**Kaylah**: Isn't the tornado siren on a car that drives around town? 

**Me**: ......

~

*While driving through Alton one morning* 

**Grandma**: Here, take a sip of this.

**Me**: Ew.  Coffee is nasty.

**Grandma**: No it isn't!  It wakes ya up, and puts hair on your chest!

~

*Grandma walks out of the bathroom and wipes her wet hands on my face* 

**Grandma*
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ziezie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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Got my job trainer while learning the ropes.

Recently hired into a job where part of my duties will involve managing finances for individuals with intellectual disabilities. Trainer started going over all the ethical hoops we have to jump to.

"Man, they've got all sorts of checks and balances."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Falkynbird
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2015
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Opened up my chest of dad jokes yesterday and let out a nice pair.

I was drinking with some friends when we were talking to one of them about his type of women. I asked him "tits or ass" and he said something like "I have to go with ass, although I have nothing against tits." So naturally I said "Oh well I generally prefer to be against tits actually." Ha

Later I was chilling with my girlfriend when the way we were cuddled together reminded me, so I told her that story. She groaned and said something about guys are always focused on one thing while girls like her were more well-rounded individuals. I couldn't help but respond by grabbing a boob and saying "Yes, you are well rounded!"

Hope she realizes what a great father I could be.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tremaparagon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2014
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As I walk in to the kitchen

Gf is putting the leftovers in individual containers

GF: I separated the food.

Me: why were they fighting again?

She hates me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thirdyearfreshmen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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