Did you hear the one about the mass murderer who only hunted vegetarians?

He was a Serial Kaler

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bruce_Wang007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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What is the sentencing when you get caught hunting illegally?

Murder in the first deergree

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Urinal-Cake2113
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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I was out hunting in the forest with my shotgun...

... and stumbled across a naked woman. She started flirting with me, so I asked her if she was game.

She replied yes, so I shot her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Most folks avoid the beach for dolphin hunting

It’s for legal porpoises

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prollyonthepot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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What did Homer say when he didn't bag a female deer on the hunting trip?

"Doe!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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I told me therapist, β€œLast night, I had a nightmare that I was fighting Jason Bourne and Will Hunting at the same time.”

Therapist: I’m glad that you are finally battling your Damons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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A family was out hunting and the mother said it was time to go. The father replied, I’ll be right there, let me just...

shoulder this bird, hun.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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I was driving to a weekend hunting trip when I came to a fork in the road. Sign said bear left...

So I went home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sulpfiction
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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Sea Captain

A sea captain hunted for his white whale for decades. When he finally came upon it, a storm roared to life and began to toss his ship to and fro. A cannon came loose and crushed his leg.

He got the whale, and left behind a legacy.

((Work in progress. Just came to me during a conversation over a game of cards. Feedback welcome.))

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCVisNih
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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Why did the redneck bring a bazooka deer hunting?

He wanted to get the biggest bang for his buck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
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(Me reading to my five-year-old) The leopard slug eats dead plants and fungi, but also hunts other slugs.

(Five-year-old) I'm a fun guy, so they would eat me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/legisleducator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Just got a delayed grin from my son on the way back to our hunting spot.

Son: Wow that stream is really rush'en.

Me: oh good that is so much better than German.

I just had to pick a country real quick not trying to make any statement....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheepery
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Rock - Paper - Scissors
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DooleyMTV
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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Two men are hunting in the woods...

Suddenly one of them spots tracks.

"Deer tracks" says the first hunter.

"Moose tracks, I know moose tracks when I see them" says the other hunter.

They keep arguing over the type of tracks they're looking at, until they get run over by a train.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JMayberry5
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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What do you call a guy that comes over and breaks the butt end off of grandad's old hunting rifle?

A stock broker

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PharmDiddy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went hunting for the first time ever last week.

The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bort-bort-bort
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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What did the professor say when his students wanted to hunt male deer before the first day of class?

"Don't get the hart before the course!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargingTiger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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The FBI has been hunting me down for sharing their master passkey. It rhymes with approved and it’s spelled

[removed]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GPyleFan11
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Two hunters went out to hunt grizzly. As they drove up the mountain road, they saw a sign that said "Bear Left"...

...so they went home.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Duck hunting

2 guys went duck hunting. They were out there all day and didn't get a single duck. One turns to the other and says I don't understand why we haven't gotten anything yet. The other guy says I don't know, maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/syhendrickson
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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I stopped by the ammo store before going hunting. The clerk told me about their 2 for 1 sale.

β€œMore bang for your buck.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoVeryKerry
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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I hear you're hunting the Loch Ness monster.

May not be Nessie-ssary, but Beast of Loch to you!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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Went hunting for the first time recently and shot my first buck.

Poor guy was holding on for deer life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rosedj1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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If the female lead of Good Will Hunting hired a little person to chauffeur her in an iconic British car

He’d be Minnie Driver’s mini Mini Driver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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World of Warcraft introduced a scavenger hunt to find a secret item that involved hundreds if not thousands of people in a Discord spending days and days scouring the entire world for little clues.

The secret reward is called Waist of Time.

Well played, Blizzard, well played.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthEwok42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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For the nature lovers. I hunt because... (x-post /r/shrooms) amazon.com/dp/B078MW3VPF/
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoesKat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
🚨︎ report
For deer hunting do you use your right hand or left hand to pull the trigger?

Either or, I'm bambidextrous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thevectorvictor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!

I prefer mine poached

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
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What did the treasure hunt organizer say when people couldn't find the impressionist painter he'd hidden?

That wasn't very cache Monet of you.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weirfish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
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I read the sign at the park advertising a huge easter egg hunt . . . .

My wife says "Well it's not going to be hard to find a huge easter egg." My wife has officially become a dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Metal_Daddy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
🚨︎ report
How are you guys enjoying "the hunt for red September?"

Oops wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ButtStuffBilly
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
A man and a woman were on their first date.

A man and a woman were on their first date.

β€œSo, I hear you hunt deer,” the woman said.

The man looked away and turned red.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” asked the woman.

The man bashfully replied, β€œI’m not used to someone calling me β€˜dear’ on the first date.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johaen8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best time to go duck hunting?

At the quack of dawn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2017
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How do the Amish hunt deer?

They sneak up on it and build a barn around it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bucktuck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife's comment when the commercial for Expedition Unknown: Hunt for the Yeti came on...."has he looked at his stupid face?" To which I replied:

"Not Yeti."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/starchybunker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad got me while hunting, got him back while at the only store in the town.

My dad and I went hunting with some friends in south texas for opening teal season. As I am putting my waders on, he tell me to remember to tie my boots as tight as I can, "or else they'll fall off in the mud, and that would suck, literally". He couldn't have been more proud of himself.

Later he holds the door as I walk out of the small convince store in the town, and I naturally say "thanks". He replies with "you bet," and I told him "really? Because I'm not much of a gambler..." And he just frowned at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vulkkid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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Why can't a person hunt bald eagles in the US?

Because it's illeagle

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stwicksy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
🚨︎ report
I read an article about Eskimo hunting practices today

Their method for hunting polar bears was the most interesting. They would start a fire out on a deep snow bank, and essentially melt a hole in the snow. Once the hole was big enough they would stop feeding it firewood and let it burnout on its own. Once the fire had gone down and was nothing more than smoldering ashes with a little bit of smoke, they would line the edge of the fire pit with snow peas.

All they had to do from there is hide and wait. Once a bear caught scent of the smoke and starts to investigate, the bear would eventually start eating some of the peas. Then they sneak up behind it and kick it in the ash-hole.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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Lawyer, chemist and a statistician goes hunting

Lawyer, chemist and a statistician are out in a forest hunting for deer. After one hour of patiently waiting lawyer finally spots one. The lawyer shoots at a deer and misses half a meter to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses half a meter to the right. Both are furious and dissapointed as they see the deer escape.

Chemist asks statistician - "why you didn't shoot ?"

Statistician replyes - "I didn't need to, we already shot him !".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CheeserLP
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Do you want to hear a mean joke?

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left.

The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LGriff13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A Statistically Accurate Joke

Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck.

The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right.

The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left.

The third jumps up and yells, β€œWe got him! We got him!β€œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Buwanna

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
β€œLook! A man wearing a dress!” – Father’s Day story

When I was about 5 years old, my dad told the greatest dad joke. He’d be driving the family through our neighborhood and would say β€œLook! A man wearing a dress!” My siblings and I would look around and laugh with my dad. We loved when he would say this (it was like an absurd scavenger hunt) but my mother absolutely hated it. β€œWhere? What are you talking about Tom?!” She actually got angry since she couldn’t see the man wearing a dress either. Since he would do this on a semi-regular basis to make us laugh, it became a problem with my mom and she ended up getting so angry as to forbid him saying it ever again.

I never really understood what was going on since I was so young, but I really missed the man wearing a dress joke. At one point, I thought the joke referenced a nearby business with a kilted man for a mascot. A few years ago, I asked my dad what the joke was.

β€œOh! It wasn’t the sign,” he told me. β€œWe had a family in the neighborhood with the last name β€˜Manwaring’. When we would drive by their house, I’d point at their mailbox and say β€˜Look, a Manwaring address!’”

I was too young to read at the time so it took 20 years to be in on his brilliant pun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simserialkiller
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Two hunters were driving to the hunting grounds when they saw a sign.

It said β€œBear Left”, so they went home.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/duxintrux
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report

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