The Den Puns

He called an Ubear.

I reminded her that I'm a guy.

That would make me uncle social.

What a re-leaf!

It was a Whoopi cushion.

A Howl-way

The bird den of proof fell on him, after all

You still live in a Den, Mark. At least it’s no Germ-In-Knee. Sorry for the rushed joke. I’m Russian, and I’m scared of comPutin.

The Bi-den

“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.

1. I have a double China without the “a”.

2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.

3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.

5. You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.

6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

7. As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.

Three men go camping in the wilderness; a German, an Italian and a Czechoslovakian. While asleep, their campsite is attacked by a couple of bears and all 3 men are presumed killed. Forest Rangers get deployed to find the missing campers. After inspecting the campsite, the Rangers discover the bear tracks and follow them to the den. Inside are the 2 bears, a male and a female, which the Rangers quickly kill. First, they opened the stomach of the female and inside were the remains of the German and Italian men.

"Looks like our work here is done," the lead Ranger says to his partner.

"But we only found 2 bodies!" The partner cries back.

The Ranger removes his sunglasses and looks vacantly into the distance before finally telling his partner:

"Clearly the Czech is in the male."

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

Nope! It's a terrible burden. >!Brrr-Den!<

Wasn't sure if this was the place to post, or if I should look for Dad jokes instead.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who’s on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Lou Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: No, the name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: Your computer?

Lou Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: What about Windows?

Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Lou Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/

Me: I don't know, baby.. the monster house?

Her: No. That's wrong.

Me: A wolf den?

Her: No. You're wrong, daddy. He and his dad lives (sic?) in a werehouse!

Gotta say, I annoyingly fell for that one.

Girlfriend: Have you heard of Sin city?

Me: Yeah, the movie?

Girlfriend: Nope, have you heard of Den city?

Me: No stop, I won't let you do this.

Girlfriend: It's mass over volume.

I think I'm in trouble for not letting her finish the joke

Sadly it doesnt work in english. Ill give you the gist though.

Sei ich in einem langweiligen französisch Kurs. Stapel Stifte und Radiergummies, und nach einiger Zeit fragt die Lehrerin was ich den mache. "ich bin nebenberuflicher Hochstapler"

Translated gist: I was stacking pens and erasers in a french class. When the teacher asked what I was doing I said, Im a part time Hochstapler wich can basically mean high-stacker or fraudster

Got the whole class to laugh, twas fun

A grandfather is talking to his grandson in the den. He is reminiscing being a former paratrooper for the military. He began to tell his grandson the first time he had to jump out of a plane.

Grandfather: "Well there we were in the plane as the sergeant opened the door of the plane. He began yelling Go! Go! Go! And one by one troopers began jumping out. When the sergeant yelled for me to jump I couldn't do it, I was too scared. The sergeant then looked at me and says private if you don't jump I'm gonna fuck you in the ass."

Grandson looks up at grandfather and asks: "Well did you jump grandpa."

To which the grandfather replies: "A little at first."

Subject: Finally

"Starting to get a bit warmer in (Hometown.) All of January, it has been snow, wind, below zero temperatures, wind chills of minus 40. (His Wife) does nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. Couple of times the weather was so bad I had to let her in."

http://i.imgur.com/fDEnAdM.png

The Amazing Spider-man was directed by a guy named named Webb.

For The Wolverine, they hired a guy named Mangled (Mangold)

And Guardians of the Galaxy was made by guy named Gunn.

So I am expecting them to announce that Kat Dennings will be directing Black Panther any day now.