A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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This year's Fibonacci Convention was a great success.

It was as big as the last two combined!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdb12345
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I was stuck in a traffic jam...

It still amazes me how they get the jars that big.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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You know, out West they're started to ban those big round bales of hay you see in that field over there..

.... The cows aren't getting three square meals a day.

(Also, to those who tell dad jokes at every opportunity, I really appreciate you. As a person who grew up without the joy of a pops embarrassing me with terrible jokes, I was always bewildered by the stereotype. Recently though, I've been taking a microeconomics course I was dreading having to take and my professor has "big econ dad" energy. There's a joke every few minutes in his lectures and they give me the energy to keep going. You are appreciated. Even if your kids, spouse, partner, friends, strangers groan at you, undoubtedly someone out there really appreciates your goofiness).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plantborb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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I really like Switzerland

and the flag is a big plus too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubingWithAlex
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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So there was this zookeeper...

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FananaBartman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I was out shopping and dropped my glass of pickles

I called for the janitor and told him it was kind of a big dill

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo_The_God
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know. But the flag is a big plus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YEET_The_Cuber
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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How to catch an elephant

Dig a big hole, Fill it with ashes, Sprinkle peas on top, When the elephant goes to take a pea, Kick it in the ash hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Advaldinho
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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"Do you know what?"

My kids have gotten to saying this a bunch, so now I reply like a dad...

"Oh ya! We went to the same New Year's party once."

"Sure! He makes the best crab dip."

"Big beard? Lousy tipper?"

"The tattoo guy?"

"Biblically."

"Gave him a 5-star Uber review."

"He was the best man at my wedding."

"I think I owe him $20."

"The bouncer at the club!? How do YOU know him?"

"Doesn't he work at the bakery next to PetSmart?"

"I heard he once punched a cop and broke his nose!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uncorked119
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Optimist: "That cup is half full."

Pessimist: "That cup is half empty." Engineer: "Why are we making the cups so big?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikethelabguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow....

....and I'm terrified that the chute might not open.

Last time something that big crashed onto Earth, the dinosaurs got wiped out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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I was going to tell a butter joke

But the margarine for error was too big

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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After eating alphabet soup....

....the next time I pooped I had a vowel movement. But I'm a bit worried that all the other letters still haven't come out. It's been a while now so I went to see my doctor. He said it wasn't a big deal. I was just a little consonantipated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nyccfan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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Not to get all political in this sub, but...

Did you guys know that the guy who was recently pepper sprayed by Portland's mayor is a big dairy heir?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DieFlavourMouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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I was thinking of the benefits of moving to Switzerland

The flag is a big plus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other β€˜what kind of music do you like?’

The other replies β€˜Well, I’m a big metal fan.’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KBilly4-21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Back in 56' my neighbor was arrested for supporting the USSR...

The officials said it was "a big red flag".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NightmareVX
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smarzz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Laughing at the Law

A game warden caught a man fishing without a licence "You're going to have to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket," said the warden.

"But officer," the fisherman replied, "I didn't catch these - they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done, they jump back in the bucket."

"Oh, really? This i've got to see. If you can prove it, i'll let you go without a fine."

The fisherman emptied the bucket into the lake and waited patiently. A few minutes went by and nothing happened.

"So where are the fish?" asked the warden.

"What fish?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoganWren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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A bear goes to the bar and says "can I get one whiskey..................and one coke"

The bartender asked "why the big pause"

The bear replies "I was born with them"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillRespectively1
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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A genius researcher stormed into my office today

What's the big idea?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/geckheck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...

I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it.

Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle.

When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed.

Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.

I just never saw what the big dill was.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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A chemist plants a seed

He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therderper123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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A windmill asked the other windmill what his favorite type of music is.

The other windmill replied "I'm a big metal fan"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scensei
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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For his birthday, a boy wants a pet spider.

His dad takes him to an exotic pet store, where they see a big, hairy spider. The father asks how much it costs. β€œThat’s fifty dollars,” the clerk replies.

β€œFifty bucks!” the dad exclaims. β€œForget that, I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Upon delevery

So I'm proud to say I made my first dad joke not even 5 min after my son way born.

After he came out, the doctor weighed my son. Doctor said "wow look at the size of those hands!".

Which I had to reply instantly " you know what they say about babys with big hands eh?!?" .... "big gloves" !!

To whole room cracked up and my women just sighed and said. "Really.."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OlderNo7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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McDonalds is working with Apple to create a huge gaming computer

They're calling it the Big Mac

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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An Axe to Grind

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.Β 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.Β 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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I met a woman once at a party celebrating my father's 50th birthday.

We got to talking and I found out she worked as a stunt double on some pretty big name movie sets. She looked to be at least 10 years my senior but very fit and attractive and we both seemed to really be hitting it off.

Because all the immediate family in the local area had thrown a smaller, more private celebration for my father a few days prior, I didn't really feel a need to stick around any longer, so I asked the woman if she was interested in sharing some drinks with me at the nearby Hilton where I was staying. She happily accepted.

Suddenly, I turned towards the sound of my father's voice cheerfully calling out the name "Andra" (pronounced ON-druh) and my own as he approached. Andra, the woman I had been speaking with, turned towards him, glanced quickly back at me, then looked back again at my father and with a disconcerted look on her face exclaimed, "Oh brother!"

And that's when I realized the double, Aunt Andra.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A__Wild__Goose
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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2 cannibals

Two cannibal friends were sitting together for lunch. The one asked the other:

"Hey, i heard you and your boyfriend had a big fight last night?"

"Yes, that's right."

"So how are things between you right now?"

"Well... right now..."

The cannibal stopped to take a sip of her tea.

"Right now I'm letting him stew..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yuxayilan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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A famous local cauliflower died last night.

People are expecting a big turnip at the funeral.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NovaDreamSequence
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Not a joke, but this just happened...

Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:

Wife: "Are you going to make it?"

Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"

Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"

Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough

Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"

My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AmbivalentAsshole
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?

Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.

He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.

The called him the Jabberwookie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ndngroomer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Best thing about immigrating to Switzerland?

Well for starters the flag is a big plus...

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/socdist
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
2 windmills are in a field. One asks: "What kind of music do you like?"

The other responds: "Well, I'm a big metal fan".

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Master_Achi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What's The Best Part Of Living In Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podfather2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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