If youβre teaching a new plumber the ropes of the trade youβre technicallyβ¦
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︎ Mar 10 2021
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
So proud of my 6 year old. While teaching her to hit a softball, I told her to βsquare up on the ballβ
She replied βthe ball is round daddyβ (with a straight face) So I tell her βno, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!β
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says βIβM REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!β Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
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︎ Jun 23 2020
A doctor was teaching a class, and wanted to give a pop quiz about tolerance and observance when dealing with the cadavers. (L) (On Mobile)
Teacher: βSo I want everyone to understand that a dead body isnβt disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with oneβ
The teacher has everyone turn their body over
Teacher: βNow I want you all to stick your finger in itβs ass and hold it in there for a momentβ
all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first
Teacher: βOkay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I doβ
The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked
As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, βnow see itβs not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my classβ.
With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Just got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.
Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.
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︎ Sep 12 2020
Patel was teaching a boy named Ed basic geometry, which he was failing to grasp even on the most basic levels. He mistook squares for triangles, circles for hexagons and so on...
So Patel tried to go to the lowest level and put a dot on the paper.
"What this, Ed?"
"A line?" the boy replied.
"I... I expected more from you. I'm... This a point, Ed."
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Iβd like to thank Merriam-Webster for teaching me the meaning of the word βplethoraβ.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
I would like to thank my dad for teaching me the word "apportion".
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 28 2020
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. βYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,β I told her. βDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.β
βWhy?β she asked.
βBecause thatβs what makes it beautiful.β
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I've been teaching myself to juggle clocks.
I guess I have too much time on my hands.
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︎ Feb 20 2020
Did you know you can change the breed of your poodle by teaching it to giggle on command?
It will change the breed of your dog into a snicker-doodle.
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Passing the time in quarantine teaching the cat to dance...
Waste of time turns out hes got two left feet.
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︎ Mar 31 2020
"I was teaching my son colours while I drove him to school."
"Primary?"
"No, he's in college."
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︎ May 19 2020
A nun is teaching her students about the circle of life
"there are either predators or prey in the circle of life" explained the nun. "whatever an animal eats, it is called that animal's prey. for instance, rabbits eat lettuce - thus lettuce is rabbit prey."
"Sister, what is sunlight then?" asked a quizzical child.
smiling, the nun put her hands together and said, "lettuce prey".
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︎ May 01 2020
I've been teaching my dog a new trick
Now she can fart on my wife's pillow
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︎ Jun 27 2020
What did the Mexican tell the foreigner when teaching him about stoplights?
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︎ May 25 2020
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote βAntβ in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
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︎ Jun 27 2020
The chemistry teacher rejoined the FBI after several years of teaching.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 03 2020
I love teaching astronomy, but
It just goes over everyoneβs head.
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︎ May 14 2020
Even though my baby poops a lot, I feel like the life lessons heβs been teaching me are invaluable.
π︎ 8
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︎ May 05 2020
I was teaching my son to play the piano. He played the Am chord for me.
π︎ 28
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︎ Jan 31 2020
I started teaching my son the alphabet
But after the first two letters, it seemed a little βseedyβ
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︎ May 02 2020
Teaching cows to walk on a tightrope is a high-stakes game.
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︎ Jul 05 2019
I've been teaching my kids how to fart.
You could say they're under my "tootelage".
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 28 2019
I am teaching my kid speed reading and Iβm proud to say that he managed to finish βHarry Potter and the Philosopherβs Stoneβ in an hour and a half.
I know itβs only six words, but itβs a start.
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︎ Nov 26 2019
Today we tried teaching my six month old son how to hold things.
But he wasnβt grasping the concept.
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︎ Aug 19 2019
My math teacher started telling a story in the middle of teaching us about trig functions
It was a pretty funny tangent, though
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︎ Nov 05 2019
teaching crows to be quiet is a lost caws
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︎ Nov 13 2019
What are they teaching kids these days?
My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. It was me and my wife and her, just chilling. So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy. So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish.
"Thank you daddy, in spanish"
I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned. I have never been prouder.
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︎ Feb 09 2016
Teaching a cow how to do math is difficult
Especially when they canβt use cowculators
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︎ Mar 14 2019
Thanks to my Spanish speaking friend for teaching me βel mundoβ
π︎ 30
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︎ May 15 2019
Dad teaching me culinary skills.
"Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son."
Picks an egg
"Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it!"
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︎ Aug 15 2016
My wife was teaching my 11 month old son how to eat with silverware...
My son successfully took a bite by himself and I said, "Good forking job!" My wife groaned.
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︎ Aug 25 2016
I had to quit teaching inmates to sing.
Those jailbirds were always behind a few bars.
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︎ Aug 28 2018
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this?
"Y"
Because I'm asking you! What letter is it??
"Y!"
How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this??
I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke
"Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"
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︎ Dec 05 2018
He broke this one out when teaching me about tools.
"Okay, so this is the screwdriver, this is the wrench, and this, well, you know the drill."
π︎ 2k
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︎ Dec 28 2013
I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"
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︎ Aug 18 2019
Teaching a 3 year-old the difference between a circle and square is pointless
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︎ Apr 16 2019
Just heard a story about Mariano Rivera teaching another pitcher how to throw a better cutter.
It truly was a gripping story.
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︎ Apr 19 2019
After teaching a wolf meditation
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︎ Dec 05 2018
I've always thought kids being able to draw on the sidewalks at school is only teaching them that vandalism is okay...
but I guess it could be chalked up to freedom of expression...
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︎ Aug 30 2017
I changed my religion to follow the teachings of St. Francis, my dad was not pleased
He said 'no son of mine is going to be assisi!'
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︎ Jul 13 2019
Imagine someone teaching you the hacks of the onion Browser. They would be your tormentor.
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︎ Nov 10 2018
Thank you for teaching me about German people the other day
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 13 2019
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of plethora
π︎ 34
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︎ Jan 15 2020
Thank you so much for teaching me the meaning of the word "plethora"
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 18 2020
Thanks for teaching me the definition of plethora..
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 23 2020
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