My friend recently confessed to me that he got his third nipple surgically removed.

He really needed to get that off his chest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A pre-surgical trans man goes to the doctor

Doc: β€œHave you had any surgeries?”

F2M: β€œYes. I had appendicitis.”

Doc: β€œAh. Appendectomy. How can I help you today?”

F2M: β€œAddadicktome.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaqdeezl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
"Why are you wearing a surgical mask?" I asked the barista.

She said, "It's not a mask. It's a coughy filter."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/milkchaser
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I invented a surgical robot

So far it only operates on batteries..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought these surgical pants were mighty loose in the hips and long in the legs!

Sorry, wrong scrub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor friend claims that he can do a circumcision without using surgical instruments.

I don’t think he’ll be able to pull it off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a surgical examination of a person addicted to high fives?

An uptopsy.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zylvian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2017
🚨︎ report
An Arabian camel wanted to race in the Kentucky Derby but couldn't because in addition to being a camel, he had a hump.

So he came up with a plan: he would have his hump removed surgically and run as a horse in the Derby. He went online and finally found a plastic surgeon who would do the operation. And lo and behold, the first time he entered the Derby he won by 20 lengths!
Back in the desert, every time a camel friend would come over, he would boast pompously about his win, talking about nothing else. Pretty soon, his friends stopped coming over. So he has to go to the camel bar to see them. Upon entering the bar, one of his tired friends says to another, "oh no! Here comes Hump free braggart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A local man shows up to his local Starbucks for his daily cup of coffee.

β€œGrande macchiato with oat milk, please.”

The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked β€œWhy are you wearing a surgical mask?”

β€œI’m not”, said the barista, β€œit’s a coughy filter”.

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πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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I was thinking about opening a new doctors surgery...

But then I realised that I don't have the patients for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattgibbo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
An email exchange with my Dad after a trip to the ER...

Me to Dad: Hey Dad! How's it going? I'm waiting for stitches. This seriously happens annually. I should buy a suture kit...

Dad to me: Crazy glue works as a surgical glue for some smaller injuries, hurts less than a suture needle, but hey... suture-self.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Sitting in the dentist chair this afternoon

Dentist puts on surgical mask

Me: "My breath doesn't smell THAT bad, does it?"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jtsims1990
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I think I Nailed this

I'm on my mobile, so I apologize for any typos.


Today I had a simple surgical procedure at my local podiatrist.

At the end of the procedure the doctor was applying an acid to the surgical site, and I asked what he was using.

Doc: "...this is called Phenol, and it discourages the regrowth of the ingrown nail."

Me: "That sounds phenolmenal!"

He stopped what he was doing for a moment, and we had a good laugh, turns out he had never heard that all to obvious pun.

Also, I'm pretty sure khakis are going to sprout from my legs pretty soon.

I'll keep you all in the loop on that front

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agr8
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
🚨︎ report
Just went to Starbucks this morning

The barista was wearing a face mask. I asked β€œWhy are you wearing a surgical mask?” She said β€œI’m not, it’s a coughy filter.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/savage_italiano
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Just went in to Starbucks and the barista was wearing a face mask.

I asked "Why are you wearing a surgical mask?"

She said "I'm not, it's a coughy filter."

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icebucketwood
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report

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