That's my victorious secret.
"How did you get into my mansion?"
I’m gonna call it “Texit”
Remains to be seen.
It's all about shelf control!
An influenza.
It was as big as the last two combined.
Wife: I'll have Chocolate Fudge Brownie and some Tonight Dough
Me: Dough!
Wife: Stop with the Simpsons joke
Me: Sorry. Here's your ice cream, I hope I didn't leave you deserted.
Safe to say guys, the dad jokes have been on overdrive. Shout-out to my newborn daughter
He won the Wookie of the Year Award
He didn't get the job.
Step 1: Start a beer company named Responsibly.
Step 2: Watch as every other beer company promotes you for free at the end of their commercials.
Step 3: Enjoy your yacht.
Nobody even bothered to show up.
They have a high profit margarine
Field Goals
She’s swimming in money.
I'm really good at landing jokes
Patients
He's definitely going places.
I'm so excited; I'm beside myself!
Great customer cervix.
Their business model is sound.
I'm sure his career will take off after that
You might say a made a deal with the Duvall.
Rule 1: never tell everything you know
He broke out in hives when he broke into hives.
Knot on my watch
He took them on single handedly!
Wife said I’ve been Tolkien in my sleep
But he didn't listen
I found myself in a pickle of a situation, but I was able to dill with it after I mustard all my strength.
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Value kids for what they are. They are the only ones who know how to undo child-proof bottles of aspirins when you've got a splitting headache.
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Teach a nubile daughter by all means the old Christian saying that, 'you can't take it with you', but that doesn't mean she should start to give it away early.
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Discourage your daughter from wearing skirts which will give her chapped buttocks, and your son from wearing jeans making him liable to arrest for indecent enclosure.
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Teach your kids independence. Tell them that if they ever need a helping hand, there's one at the end of their arm.
because of suck cess
It was the world's first TRANS-plant.
Field goals
She hypnotised her patience into believing they were dolphins. It gave them a strong sense of porpoise.
A Triumphant!
S
U
C
E
Bacon is now both the cause and the solution of our heart problems.
Patients and patience
It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.
An influenza.
It was as big as the last two combined!
