Have you heard that story about the dog who went 200 miles to retrieve a stick?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I'll stick to my ribs
A woman walked into the kitchen one day and saw, much to her horror, her husband sitting at the table with blood all over most of his face, his chest, hands, arm, and on the table. She watched for a moment, shocked, as he began pouring barbeque sauce on his arm where most of the blood was coming from.
"Stop that! What are you doing!? What happened to your arm?!" She finally managed to scream as she unjammed all the words trying to flow out at once.
Her husband looked at her with a disgusted frown and a shake of his head and replied "I've made a terrible me-steak"
Why did the little walnut stick money to his feet?
Because he really wanted to be a cash-shoe.
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
Why do beginner artist always forget to draw the stick figure’s thumb when they draw a fist?
They forgot the punchline
I once tied my dog’s stick to a balloon, he brought it back from several miles away...
I know, it sounds a bit far-fetched.
The other night I tried to kill a vampire with a really big pointy stick, but my aim was terrible.
It was a giant missed stake.
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. “You need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. “Do you mow the whole yard in one direction.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because that’s what makes it beautiful.”
Oh, the eye roll on this kid.
If I pay a doctor to stick his finger in my butt...
...does that make him a prostatoot too?
I was reminded of the time’s when I was a child the other day. My dad is to stick us in tires and roll us down the hills in the back yard....
Those were the GOODYEARS.
Anybody else find it hard to resist saying “fish dicks” when cooking your kids fish sticks?
I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.
I mean seriously, how low can you go?
To the person who stole my selfie stick...
...You need to take a long look at yourself.
I am going to decorate my next christmas tree with miniature tnt sticks instead of candy canes
Oh tannen-bomb oh tannen-bomb...
What does a Wizard use to stick things together?
My friend Robert was going on and on about how great it is to cook food on a stick.
So I just said, “K, Bob.”
How do you get a murder of crows to stick together?
I'm trying to stick to the six feet of separation guidelines...
...but my wife refuses to sleep on the couch.
My daughter had to stick her hand in a sack to try to guess the type of material by touch...
I once tried to drive my Toyota Corolla with a stick shift on the Autobahn, but German authorities flagged me down and informed me that was illegal...
So I drove down the manualbahn instead.
To determine the gender of a parrot you have to stick your finger in the cage. If he bites you, he's a male...
If she bites you, she's a female.
Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
So I have vowed never to buy glow sticks ever again
They were just made to be broken
(My brother who is a new father and newly enlisted solider told me this today)
I should probably stick to my day job
Well, the new year is upon us and that means I have to stick spigots in all my red and black maple trees...
The task always saps my strength.
If you zip-tie a stick to a ladder the ladder becomes sticky
My wife thinks it's really funny to stick first class stamps to my back. I've asked her when she's going to stop.
She says she'll keep me posted
A cannibal was walking through the jungle when he came to a clearing and saw a freshly killed elephant lying down with a pygmy standing on top of it, brandishing a big stick and doing a victory dance.
"Have you just killed that elephant?" asked the cannibal.
"Yes," replied the pygmy, "I did it with my club."
"Wow," replied the cannibal. "You must have a really big club!"
"Yes, there are about forty of us!"
Did you hear about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
That sounds a little far fetched
Strudels stick to your ribs
Because they are made out of pastry.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
To the person who stole my selfie stick,..
I hope you’re taking a long look at yourself.
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick...
She still isn't talking to me
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
To the person who stole my selfie stick..
I hope you are taking a long hard look at yourself.
If you need to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, make sure they’re the same...
Then you’ll have a match...
If you need to start a fire by rubbing sticks together, make sure they are the same.
Then you'll have a match.
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