But she still won't admit she framed me.
It was level pegging.
It’s created a real division in our home.
Art.
Two guys with no arms and no legs and hangs on your wall? Curt n Rod.
No arms and no legs in a bathtub? Dwayne.
No arms and no legs at your front door? Mat
No arms and no legs and playing in the leaves? Russell
At the city dump? Phil
So they can tweet.
(I hit my family with this one today. Its probably been done before but it was so satisfying hearing everyone groan.)
What a dead end job!
It's a Haiku coo clock.
It was about time.
Nothing but spam.
Must've been Mount Heiferest.
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
This is not a traditional /r/dadjokes with a delivery and a punchline.
I just wanted all dad's, with kids around 2-6, to know that changing the name of Winnie the Pooh to Winnie the Poop will generate maniacal laughter from your kids. Especially if you combine it with singing the theme song from the movie.
As an added bonus, there is no statute of limitations on when you add the extra P. You can say: Winnie the Poop Winnie the Pooh...P Or Winnie the Pooh...... ...... .... P And your kids will laugh just as hard.
I've gone a full minute without saying the last P, while my kids hang on my every facial movement.
Enjoy
“Don’t look down!” said my friend above me.
So I started smiling.
Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there
Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!
I'll go on ahead.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,
“Nobody puts baby in a coroner”
It was a booby trap.
Kurt and Rod
Because they dragon.
A tattoo.
That's a huge red flag.
We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.
Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says “this is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says “well maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying “I’m a light bulb” and the boss says “maybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks “where do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies “you expect me to work in the fucking dark?”
I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said “I think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”
I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, “but it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”
I told her she married a real panty dropper
One hat turns to the others and says, "you two wait here, I'm going on ahead".
Sore arms
2 hats are hanging out at the coat rack at a popular restaurant. 1 says to the other. " you should hang out. I'm gonna go on a head. "
...hangs on a wall?
Art
...goes for a swim?
Bob
...sits on a porch?
Matt
...lies in a ditch?
Phil
To prove that he was framed!
To prove that he was framed!
To prove that he was framed!
Curt 'n Rod
To prove that he was framed!
One says to the other; "You stay here, I'll go on a head"
Art.
Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there
Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!
One hat says to the other, "you wait here, I'll go on a head."
You hang around I'll go on a head
