After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won't admit she framed me.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Had a race to see who could hang out our towels on the washing line quickest.

It was level pegging.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReaperWright88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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My wife was hanging 7 pictures in a row on the wall when I told her should should hang 3 over 4.

It’s created a real division in our home.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and hangs on your wall...

Art.

Two guys with no arms and no legs and hangs on your wall? Curt n Rod.

No arms and no legs in a bathtub? Dwayne.

No arms and no legs at your front door? Mat

No arms and no legs and playing in the leaves? Russell

At the city dump? Phil

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
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Red Skelton on hang-gliding
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
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Why do birds hang out on telephone lines?

So they can tweet.

(I hit my family with this one today. Its probably been done before but it was so satisfying hearing everyone groan.)

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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My friend works for the road commission, but he only hangs signs on streets where there's no outlet.

What a dead end job!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/three_rs
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
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My timepiece hangs on the wall and recites short form poetry every hour on the hour.

It's a Haiku coo clock.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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What did the scarf say to the hat? You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brookscorbs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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Finally convinced my wife to let me hang a giant clock on the wall.

It was about time.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazwch01
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire

Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hpbojoe
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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I was hanging on to the cliff face for dear life.

β€œDon’t look down!” said my friend above me.

So I started smiling.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Two hats are hanging on a hat rack. One says to the other: you stay here

I'll go on ahead.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.

. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

β€œNobody puts baby in a coroner”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Why are dragons the worse story tellers?

Because they dragon.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hornyaustinite
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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My dad walked in on mom with her boobs hanging out.

It was a booby trap.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SmyleKyleSmyle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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Dad joked by an 81-year-old woman

I had an elderly patient today who was visibly upset, almost to the point of tears. I asked her if she was worried about having her blood drawn and she said that the blood draw didn’t bother her, but that she was upset because she had hit a cat with her car on the way to her appointment this morning. She said that she didn’t know who the cat belonged to and that she had it wrapped up in a blanket in her car. I asked her how badly the cat was hurt and she said β€œI think he’s going to be alright. I just clipped the hind end of him, but his tail is just barely hanging on. After I leave here, I’m taking him straight to Wal-Mart.”

I told her that she might be better off taking the cat to a veterinary clinic instead of Wal-Mart and she said, β€œbut it’s just his tail, and Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in North America!”

πŸ‘︎ 457
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doc_Hooligan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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What do you call two thin guys hanging on your wall above a window ...

Kurt and Rod

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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My dad made the dadliest of jokes.

We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nessmainsarescum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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What do you call a pretty girl hanging out on a accordion players arm?

A tattoo.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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2 hats

2 hats are hanging out at the coat rack at a popular restaurant. 1 says to the other. " you should hang out. I'm gonna go on a head. "

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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A rock star's Journey

A number of years ago I was in a rock band. We were hugely successful, playing some of the biggest venues and entertaining swarms of fans.

The last shoes we ever played were on our world tour. We played the Americas and then flew over to Europe. We played our way through Russia and even a couple of gigs in China, before selling out our final show in Japan.

It was a hell of a Journey, but it was time for me to hang up my guitar. I retired from the rock star life and got an office job in Tokyo.

I made a few friends at work, and grew close with one in particular, Narada-san. One day Narada had the day off for a funeral, but that wasn't enough; he needed more time. He was torn between his obligation to return to work and his desire to have more time at home. He asked me what he should do.

The answer was simple. I picked up my guitar and played a Japanese version of our biggest hit from 1981:

Don't Stop Bereaving

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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I'm mortified. I went to my sister's and she had her nudes just hanging on the wall! imgur.com/4kltd4e
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gandi800
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
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What do you call a dude with no arms and no legs who...

...hangs on a wall?

Art

...goes for a swim?

Bob

...sits on a porch?

Matt

...lies in a ditch?

Phil

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJknox09
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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LPT: If you ever go on a date and the person has the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall...

That's a huge red flag.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Hanging on by a thread imgur.com/oYCjTnn
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deuceexmachina
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2016
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While hanging laundry, I accidentally dropped my wife's underwear on the ground

I told her she married a real panty dropper

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/59snomeld
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2017
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Two vegans were travelling through a desert...

A few weeks into their journey, they ran out of food. Unable to find plants to eat, and after an entire day of discussion, they decided that if they found meat before plants, the would eat it.

A day later, in the distance, they saw a small tree. As they got closer, they saw that there were strips of perfectly cooked bacon hanging from the bare limbs.

The first vegan grew excited. "Look! It's a bacon tree! Food!" And with that, he took off running toward it.

The other vegan hung back, looking at it suspiciously. "No, wait!" he called. "That's not a bacon tree!"

"Sure it is! It's a bacon tree!" the first vegan yelled over his shoulder. When he reached the tree, he jumped, trying to reach the bacon from the lower branches, but before he could, a pair of wild boar darted out from behind the tree and skewered him on their tusks.

The other vegan shook his head. "I tried to tell you it wasn't a bacon tree. It was just a hambush..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VA_DiagSexAddict
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 141
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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What do you get hanging on banana trees?

Sore arms

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mike_from_HR
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2016
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Three hats are hanging on a hatstand.

One hat turns to the others and says, "you two wait here, I'm going on ahead".

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_biggest_lie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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At my work, they keep hanging up inspirational signs. I dadd on to them.
πŸ‘︎ 156
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryansway
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2013
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My GF stopped me from hanging up my cardigan on a hook

GF: If you hang your cardigan like that you might put a hole in it!

ME: It actually already has a couple holes in it.

She starts frantically examining the cardigan for holes.

GF: Where?!

ME: Where my arms go through!

Nothing beats the groan of disapproval after successfully landing a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slothboyck
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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There was a man outside on a clear day hanging out beneath a screen door

It was his sun-screen

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Siethron
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2014
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Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?

To prove that he was framed!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?

To prove that he was framed!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?

To prove that he was framed!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs and hang on the wall?

Curt 'n Rod

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?

To prove that he was framed!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Two hats are hanging on a hat rack.

One says to the other; "You stay here, I'll go on a head"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasberryjam5151
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonnyprophet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Two hats are hanging on a rack in the hallway,

One hat says to the other, "you wait here, I'll go on a head."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ambidextrousone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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