My son asked me for something hard to write on
I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on
There's something that I don't like about "DO NOT TOUCH" signs.
I just can't put my finger on it.
Maybe she was just looking for something to drink with Gin.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
I'm in the middle of something
Something to lighten up your day . (Credits to the creator)
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
If doing something two times is called Twice, what do we call doing something nine times?
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
Stonks, they're all bawk and no bite (or something like that)
I told the salesman I was looking for something cheap, manufactured by Ford, and preferably with a retractable roof...
He directed me to the affordable section
What does Putin say when something doesn’t go his way?
The best advice my dad ever gave me: if ever you are desperately searching for something, make sure to take an apple with you.
That way, your search cannot be fruitless.
Name something that begins with the letter P that you aren’t good at?
I made a clone of Patrick Stewart but something went terribly wrong.
The clone slammed me into a wall and lifted me by the neck. What could I do? I’d been hoisted by my own Picard.
Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.
I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.
Imma wall street banker now
If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
I don’t know why, but there’s something exciting about evaluating women’s armpits...
Its just really axilla rating.
Something a friend just sent me....
that's something serious ngl
I finally have something to contribute! No longer a lurker 👍🏼
What kind of letter does a lawyer send a chemist he wants to stop doing something?
A cesium and desist letter.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
You don’t have to tell a Border Collie something twice
They herd you the first time.
I have a feeling that there is something wrong with my Braille book.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Wanna hear something that will shock you?!?
A fly is buzzing along when he feels something bite his back.
Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"
Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
Something sweet I found in Texas
I wish I had something to submit my report in cursive
But all I have is a printer
Asking a toddler how well he does something...
Want to hear something really dirty?
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Murphy’s law states that if something can go wrong, it will. Cole’s law is mostly cabbage.
The tree wanted to try something new.
So he's turning over a new leaf.
Tell me something about the British islands. No hurry.
No rush at all. Isle Wight.
I think there's something wrong with the constipation website I signed up to.
What did the black panther say when he saw someone doing something weird?
What do you call something that is red and shaped like a bucket?
After 12 years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.
He said, "No hablo Ingles."
There's something wrong with China...
I see a lot of red flags.
Dad stop a minute somethings in my shoe
Honey, I’ve got something to tell you and for once I’m not full of crap
It's my cake day people say i have to post something funny
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
Wife told me to say something if I stopped to look at stuff while shopping.
“Something!”, I yelled at her.
Warning: use at your own risk. I was smacked with a flip flop.
I’m reading a horror book in Braille. Something terrible’s about to happen.
Somethings afoot
My wife asked if she could count the digits in my feet....
"Toe-tally" I replied..
What do you call something that explodes at -273.15 degrees Celsius?
0 K boomer
Credit: u/jamaisvu99
Can I say something here?
Plethora.
Thanks. That means a lot.
"Do you think that hole is big enough to be called something else?"
Something Punny
Hey all!
I need help thinking of a punny title to a fictional grocery store. Any thoughts?
My son asked me to go into the house so he can tell me something funny...
A friend of mine said we needed something groundbreaking to sell in our new shop
Cake day.... Got to post something.
Did you hear about the ship carrying blue paint and the ship carrying red paint that collided.
Both crews are believed to be marooned.
My dad was an organ player at basketball games, one time something got stuck on the organ and it made such a loud sound he sadly died.
The death was listed as “organ failure”
I have a fear of being under something dirty but no one gets my position.
No one ever under stained...
Something's wrong with my touch screen.
I can’t put my finger on it.
I just realised something
Nothing actually starts with an N and ends with a G.
Something must be wrong with my circular saw..
It’s only cutting straight lines!
2 seconds after I planed something
Name something that can be both sexy and scary at the same time.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
**Cowboy stares at something wrong**
What do you call something that's shockingly cute?
What do you call something that gives plessure to sadists?
What's something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11.
My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
Finally, I have something to snack on while im waiting for iCloud to backup!
As long as you both have something in column
My wife wants me to stop making brats and do chicken parm or something
I told her if she can't handle me at my wurst she doesn't deserve me at my breast
LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...
What is something that a drug addict and a duck does?
I think my friend who owns the apiary got into some poison ivy or something during a hike in the woods...
So today I fell asleep on the toilet and my two sons love to pretend they are cowboys they saw I was asleep and they put something on my head
When I woke up I realized that there was a bounty on my head
If something were heat resistant...
Would you say it's heat proof, to a certain degree?
I go to Popeye's to get the kids something to eat.
Maddie wanted the kids meal with a leg so I said “Kids meal with the leg” and the lady says “Which side?”
Me- *complete silence as I heavily contemplate such an odd decision*
“I guess the right side, hell I don’t know what the difference is.”
After several moments of laughter she says “No hunny which side would you like to go with the leg? Potatoes or fries?”
My dad was repairing something, I couldn't see what it is. So i asked: "what is that?"
Someone said something really mean to me...
...so, out of revenge, I stole a barrier from their yard.
I guess you can say that I took a fence.
This is definitely something my dad would say
If you’re going to put your money on something, make it yeast
It will always make your dough rise.
There's something really weird about having no hands
But I just can't put my finger on it.
If you spill something...
When whisking something, do it with caution.
How do you find something you lost?
A fly felt something bite his back...
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back"
"Hey! What are you? A mite? "
Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!"
Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard."
Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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