When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.
I wanted to become a fun guy.
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
My printer was making music so I checked it out.
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! 🤩
I snore so loudly...
It scares the shit out of the people I'm driving.
My wife told me that my botanical garden was so expensive that it was preventing us from starting a family. She said I can either have a hobby...
Why do I feel healthy on Saturdays and Sundays, and so sickly for all the other days ?
Maybe, I just have a weekend immune system.
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
From my daughter (so proud)
When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.
I figured out why Teslas are so expensive.
It’s because they charge a lot.
The wedding was so touching that
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
I heard herb gardens grow better with classic rock in the background, so I played a Styx album on repeat.
Now I've got Too Much Thyme on My Hands.
I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead.
I hope to become a bouillionaire!
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
I went to a wedding that was so moving everyone was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
My girlfriend recently dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back
Why’s Tesla so expensive?
Because they charge a lot
Perhaps this is why wood floors are so popular these days
So a frog walks into a bank
So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"
Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"
Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"
"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket
Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager
Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"
The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"
I was so ugly as a baby
when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
The elevator at work was broken so I took the stairs...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Now no one can get down.
This pun is so bad, somebody should call The Police
Not so friendly after all
so someone threw a bottle of mayo at me, ...
I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
My daughter wanted to help me make some bread, so she offered to "proof" the dough for me.
"Really?"
"Sure," she said.
"It's the yeast I can do."
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
In Iran, everyone is so very affaid of spiders..
.. but in Iraq no phobia.
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
Why are French bakers so feared in battle?
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD.
I made the Judge laugh so hard
I was guilty of Mans laughter.
Oh, so that’s the reason!
I havent read a book in ages. So i decided to start with a book of how clocks work.
One for the intellectuals (and the kitchen-dwellers). Digital scales are so fragile.
I can tare them with one finger. I am SO sorry everyone have a great day.
Rudolph the red and his wife were on a stroll. Rudolph the red looked up at the sky and said "we should hurry up, there is a storm comming". So his wife asked "how do u know" and he replied...
"Rudolph the red knows rain dear"
My printer was making music so I checked it out
Turns out the paper was jamming
Why are Tesla’s so expensive?
Because they charge. A lot.
I figured out why teslas cost so much.
It’s because they charge a lot.
My printer started making music, so I checked it out...
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,570 matches
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