Two muffins ... sitting in the oven...

The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"

The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MammaHenn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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A father and son were sitting in the woods.

Son: Dad, do trees poop?

Dad: Of course son, how do you think we get #2 pencils.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beek77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.

So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I was so bored sitting at home that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 969
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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There were 2 monkeys sitting in the bath...

One says to the other: 'oooooo eeeeee oooooo aaaaa'

The other says: 'put the cold tap on then!'

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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I was sitting at a red light with my family, and I said "Look, son! A super hero!"

It was the Green Arrow!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caramelcooler
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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2 midgets are sitting around bored.

One of them pulls out some weed and asks his mate, "Wanna get medium."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A guy is sitting on his couch bored.

He decides he wants to spice up his day and call his dealer. He asks his dealer, "hey, do you have anything new I haven't tried?" His dealer responds, "I just got some new weed named after old cartoon characters! It's some potent stuff!" The guy accepts this and meets up with the dealer. When he gets back home, he goes to roll a joint and finds that it just doesn't want to stay rolled and keeps coming apart. Frustrated, he calls the dealer back. "This shit just won't stay rolled! What did you sell me?" The dealer responds, "that's just how the scooby doobie do!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Two bananas are sitting at a drag strip

When the light drops the first banana split, the other peeled out.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MajorMinceMeat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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Two extraordinarily large horses were sitting at the bar having a beer. Guy walks in and says to the bartender. "Hey, what's with the Clydesdales?" Bartender says,

"They're draft horses"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Sitting around watching the birds crowd around the bird feeder,

My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review." I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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A viking by the name of Rudolph the Red was sitting in his home, when he looked out the window.

He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pidgeon-eater-69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Two parrots are sitting on a perch

One turns to the other and says "Do you smell fish?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hud_is_on
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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Two oranges were sitting at a bar

One says to the other "Your round"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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There I was this morning, sitting and drinking Coffee in my slippers , and I thought to myself..

..I really need to clean a few mugs around here.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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What Happens If You Are Sitting on the Toilet at 11:59 and the Clock Strikes Midnight?

Same shit, different day.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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I was sitting in a bar when a man walked in and proceeded to throw some milk, yoghurt and cheese at me

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo-24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Is it appropriate to call a sitting president diaperdon?

Depends

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a pool?

Bob

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuttsMcGee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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A couple is sitting in the living room drinking beer

Out of the blue the husband says, β€œ I love you”

β€œ Is that you or the beer talking” asks the wife

β€œIt’s me” says the husband β€œtalking to the Beer”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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What do you call a fat liar sitting down?

Quite deceitful.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtrendence
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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I only read r/dadjokes when I'm sitting on the toilet.

I really enjoy potty humour.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supersalad444
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Just farted while sitting on my wallet

Finally got some gas money.

πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TJack303
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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A Native American man drank 500 cups of tea in one sitting

Nearly drowned in his own teepee

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masters330
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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Why aren't you great when sitting inside?

Because you aren't outstanding

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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Been sitting on this for years
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/servedupward
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I've been sitting quietly under citrus trees all day, and I must say...

I feel sublime.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Saw this sitting outside my house and had to take advantage of it
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/katquizzity
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
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I was just sitting on the couch when my friend tells me, β€œyour not even listening to me.”

I thought that’s a very weird way to start a conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrimLegend5331
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
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A wife came home and finds her husband sitting in front of a game of chess....

...with a raw egg propped up on the other side.

She asks: "What are you doing?"

He responds: "Well this pancake recipe says I need one beaten egg..."

"So... you decided to play it in a chess game?"

"Well yeah, but the darn egg keeps winning!"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abucket87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I just read the whole dictionary in one sitting.

I learned the definition of boring.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DLXCubing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Man sitting with woman i guess
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HubbieDubbie123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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I was sitting on the toilet, angry, and late for work.

I thought, β€œI don’t have time for this shit.”

πŸ‘︎ 267
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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There I was this morning, sitting and drinking coffee in my slippers, I thought to myself...

I really need to clean some mugs

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/potato_fish12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Two parrots sitting on a perch

One says to the other: β€œdo you smell something fishy?”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rf152
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report

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