We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I was showing our new car to our family. And my daughter asked "Cargo space ? "
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︎ Jan 17 2021
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK"
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked โwhatโs upstairs?โ
I Just responded with โdad, stairs donโt talkโ
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︎ Apr 09 2020
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
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︎ Sep 10 2020
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. โDo you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?โ
โBecause we donโt need depth perception with our mouths โ was his technically correct answer
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︎ Jun 29 2019
After showing my wife a stain on my shirt, she said I should put some Shout on it.
So I screamed at my shirt.
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︎ Aug 01 2020
I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.
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︎ Aug 07 2020
Dad, showing me his pinky : "Did you know that the Chinese don't have that finger ?" Me : "What ? No." Dad : "wanna know why ?" Me: "yeah"
It's because it's MY pinky.
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︎ Apr 22 2019
An eskimo was showing another eskimo pictures of his house...
... The other eskimo said "That's an ice picture!".
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︎ Jun 24 2020
My phone was showing "Battery low". So I placed it on top of the cupboard.
It worked. Can't see the notification any more.
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︎ Apr 22 2020
Cow in front of my house was showing me real attitude
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︎ Apr 05 2020
A white-tail keeps showing up at our house doing tricks, trying to impress us to get food...
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︎ Apr 30 2020
I was showing my friend my new house and said, โThis is the ground floor..โ
Him: โWhatโs upstairs?โ
Me: Stairs donโt talk.
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︎ Mar 25 2020
A realtor showing a house to a couple says: โThis is the sun room.โ
The man goes, โOk great, now where do I put my daughters?โ
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︎ Apr 17 2020
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
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︎ Mar 10 2020
A boat builder was showing his son one of his forests
he turned to him and said "son, one day this will all be oars."
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︎ Apr 13 2020
I tried to play guitar with my friend, but he wouldnโt stop showing off how much better he is.
He really struck a chord with me.
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︎ Feb 02 2020
Iโm close to completing my collection of captioned photos showing lions sleeping.....
A meme away. A meme away.
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︎ Feb 08 2020
I was trying to get the rent for this month together, but my wife kept showing me clips from 60 Minutes...
I should have known she'd try to Stahl...
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︎ Apr 02 2020
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
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︎ Jul 04 2019
I lost my map of contours showing points of equal elevation!
It was a relief when I found it.
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︎ Feb 06 2020
The Mandalorian is showing Baby Yoda around his ships.
They enter the fitness room and The Mandalorian flips a switch revealing a hidden compartment full of protein drinks.
"This is the whey."
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︎ Dec 14 2019
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because thatโs the babyโs crowning achievement.
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︎ Nov 25 2019
A new study is showing surprising advances in primate evolution: Dr. Thomas Ink, a researcher in southern Africa has found certain groups of apes 'brewing' alcohol by leaving old fruit to stand in water pools then drinking from it and becoming inebriated.
Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.
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︎ Nov 04 2019
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th?
French guy: Cinq.
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︎ May 15 2019
I wanted to see the new Star Wars movie today, but every showing was sold out
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︎ Dec 22 2016
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,
and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."
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︎ Aug 02 2019
My friend was showing me pictures of corn...
I asked him why it was only the green parts...
He said only had access to the stalk photos
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︎ Mar 31 2019
I was showing my father this subreddit on my phone but then I dropped it
He told me these dad jokes are really getting out of hand.
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︎ May 14 2019
Got the girlfriend while she was showing me family photo albums
Her: (While pointing to one of her cousins) "She had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, but that's her fiancรฉ, they've been together for a long time now."
Me: "Well it's nice to see he's still in the picture."
Not even a groan, just silence and an eye roll
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︎ Oct 16 2015
This guy (showing off his tan lines) will be a great dad in the future
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︎ Oct 13 2013
I was showing my daughter how to cook noodles
I turned on the water and started to jog in place. She said, "dad, you are not even running!"
"But, the water is." I said
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︎ May 05 2019
My friend was showing off his tattoo of Pi on his face.
I said, โThat is completely irrational.โ
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︎ Nov 10 2018
My 3yr old daughter is showing good signs..
"Hey dad?"
"Yes dear?"
"Hey, im not a DEER!"
Caught me off guard so early in the morn. It was quick, and it was glorious. I need to step my game up before i lose my throne....
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︎ Jun 11 2014
My social media news feed keeps showing a former vice president dancing to a beat...
... It must be Facebook's Al Gore rhythms.
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︎ Oct 06 2018
I watched a video showing the highlights of cattle doing ballet, two things I love.
It was the best of bull twirls.
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︎ Apr 23 2019
My parents were showing us pictures from their vacation
Mom: Look how big our bed was! It was two double beds pushed together.
Sister: Couldn't you feel the crack though?
Dad: I tried a few times but your mom kept smacking my hand away.
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︎ Sep 30 2014
The news was showing a series of major fires all within close proximity to each other...
... my fiancรฉe said "It's probably arson." I retort with "Our son would never do that!"
Its a wonder she's marrying me.
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︎ Jul 28 2015
I always smoke some weed before showing up at the airport
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︎ Mar 22 2019
My computer is only showing ads for American Eagle, Urban Outfitters, GAP and Cheesecake Factory.
I think it's infected with Mall-ware
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︎ Oct 24 2018
Showing my friend a 3-sided dice
Him:"Do you know 300-sided die exists"
'...'
"They are called golf balls"
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︎ Mar 06 2019
The movie's plot was showing average day-to-day operations of the pizza shop
A rare glimpse of a slice of life
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︎ Nov 29 2018
My wife says I'm more interested in speaking Spanish than showing her affection.
Sounds to me like her confidence has taken hablo.
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︎ Oct 25 2018
Did you hear about the nice young comedian showing tonight?
I heard he's a real stand-up kinda guy!
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︎ Dec 14 2018
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