We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
I was showing our new car to our family. And my daughter asked "Cargo space ? "
There was a recent study showing that crows were hit a lot more by trucks than cars...
they came to the conclusion that this was because crows can warn each other by going "CAAAR CAAAR" but can't say "TRUCK TRUCK"
My buddy was rushed into the hospital after showing decorticate posturing. He woke up and I asked him if he remembered anything.
He said it felt really apalling
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. ‘Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’
‘Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths ‘ was his technically correct answer
After showing my wife a stain on my shirt, she said I should put some Shout on it.
So I screamed at my shirt.
I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.
Dad, showing me his pinky : "Did you know that the Chinese don't have that finger ?" Me : "What ? No." Dad : "wanna know why ?" Me: "yeah"
It's because it's MY pinky.
An eskimo was showing another eskimo pictures of his house...
... The other eskimo said "That's an ice picture!".
My phone was showing "Battery low". So I placed it on top of the cupboard.
It worked. Can't see the notification any more.
Cow in front of my house was showing me real attitude
A white-tail keeps showing up at our house doing tricks, trying to impress us to get food...
I was showing my friend my new house and said, “This is the ground floor..”
Him: “What’s upstairs?”
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
A boat builder was showing his son one of his forests
he turned to him and said "son, one day this will all be oars."
I tried to play guitar with my friend, but he wouldn’t stop showing off how much better he is.
He really struck a chord with me.
I’m close to completing my collection of captioned photos showing lions sleeping.....
A meme away. A meme away.
I was trying to get the rent for this month together, but my wife kept showing me clips from 60 Minutes...
I should have known she'd try to Stahl...
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
I lost my map of contours showing points of equal elevation!
It was a relief when I found it.
The Mandalorian is showing Baby Yoda around his ships.
They enter the fitness room and The Mandalorian flips a switch revealing a hidden compartment full of protein drinks.
"This is the whey."
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
A new study is showing surprising advances in primate evolution: Dr. Thomas Ink, a researcher in southern Africa has found certain groups of apes 'brewing' alcohol by leaving old fruit to stand in water pools then drinking from it and becoming inebriated.
Dr. Ink has dubbed these 'Monkey Bars'.
French guy, showing off his yacht collection: This is Un. Here is Deux, Trois, Quatre and, finally, Six.
Her: Where is the 5th?
French guy: Cinq.
I wanted to see the new Star Wars movie today, but every showing was sold out
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the royal stable when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the Queen, "I'm dreadfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop,
and after a second, "For a moment there I thought it was the horse."
My friend was showing me pictures of corn...
I asked him why it was only the green parts...
He said only had access to the stalk photos
I was showing my father this subreddit on my phone but then I dropped it
He told me these dad jokes are really getting out of hand.
Got the girlfriend while she was showing me family photo albums
Her: (While pointing to one of her cousins) "She had an unplanned pregnancy at a young age, but that's her fiancé, they've been together for a long time now."
Me: "Well it's nice to see he's still in the picture."
Not even a groan, just silence and an eye roll
This guy (showing off his tan lines) will be a great dad in the future
I was showing my daughter how to cook noodles
I turned on the water and started to jog in place. She said, "dad, you are not even running!"
"But, the water is." I said
My friend was showing off his tattoo of Pi on his face.
I said, “That is completely irrational.”
My 3yr old daughter is showing good signs..
"Hey dad?"
"Yes dear?"
"Hey, im not a DEER!"
Caught me off guard so early in the morn. It was quick, and it was glorious. I need to step my game up before i lose my throne....
My social media news feed keeps showing a former vice president dancing to a beat...
... It must be Facebook's Al Gore rhythms.
I watched a video showing the highlights of cattle doing ballet, two things I love.
It was the best of bull twirls.
My parents were showing us pictures from their vacation
Mom: Look how big our bed was! It was two double beds pushed together.
Sister: Couldn't you feel the crack though?
Dad: I tried a few times but your mom kept smacking my hand away.
The news was showing a series of major fires all within close proximity to each other...
... my fiancée said "It's probably arson." I retort with "Our son would never do that!"
Its a wonder she's marrying me.
I always smoke some weed before showing up at the airport
My computer is only showing ads for American Eagle, Urban Outfitters, GAP and Cheesecake Factory.
I think it's infected with Mall-ware
Showing my friend a 3-sided dice
Him:"Do you know 300-sided die exists"
'...'
"They are called golf balls"
The movie's plot was showing average day-to-day operations of the pizza shop
A rare glimpse of a slice of life
My wife says I'm more interested in speaking Spanish than showing her affection.
Sounds to me like her confidence has taken hablo.
Did you hear about the nice young comedian showing tonight?
I heard he's a real stand-up kinda guy!
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