It's endeering.
I like to fly high
Well maybe if you tried harder, you’d get some As!
I told him stairs don't talk
It's a really consistent C
Needed information: My family and I are pretty big Chicago Blackhawks fans. There is a player on the Blackhawks with the name Patrick Sharp.
Story:
For Christmas I got a bunch of Blackhawk themed shirts ranging from t-shirts to long sleeved t-shirts that look like actual jerseys themselves. I got a decent amount of them from my girlfriend's family, so my family didn't see them right away as I opened them at their house. When I got home, I was very excited show them to my family.
So when I grab the long sleeved t-shirt jersey to show to my mom and she says, "Wow that is Sharp!".
I respond back with a grin on my face with a quick "No, there isn't a name on the back of it at all."
It clicked after a few seconds, but I got a groan and a "You knew what I meant..."
She lost her hearing.
An interloafer.
He had som unpaid barking tickets.
"Icing"
...all they had to say was "get Elon little doggie".
"well I walked right into that one, didn't I?"
It was a running gag.
“Grande macchiato with oat milk, please.”
The cashier started to process his order, until the man asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?”
“I’m not”, said the barista, “it’s a coughy filter”.
"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
Questioned by his friend why he was dressed like that he responded "Im a Chaps-tick"
A frosted flake
They were looking for first contacts.
Cold shoulder.
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
He was afraid he’d get the cold shoulder.
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
I think you should get off your high horse.
"What child is THIS?"
He said it got pushed back
It was a wurst case scenario.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
It's not like U could see him anyway
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Me: [hears knock on door] Who is it?
Trooper: State police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State police
Me: Police
(Edit: messed up formatting)
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
A manslaughter
A lawsuit
They were all arrested for third-degree murder.
Here I go again on my own.
The doctor asks "why are you dressed like that?"
"If I'm going to be impotent, I want to look impotent."
I told him, “I can plainly see your nuts.”
So a subreddit.
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
I told him to give it a few days and mullet over.
No shock: He was grounded
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
I told her: “I’ve been weighting”
I immediately responded that I think Eminem is an edible rapper.
This actually just happened. True story. I'm going out on top. Later.
It's a bout time.
Looks like it is going to be a Full House
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
Invitation said to look sharp.
I was being flaky.
That’s a frightening statistic.
"Invisabelle"
The wife and I both to proceed how we like the look of it, and the wife mentions how she likes the lack of a rooster on top.
To which I reply "Of course dear, no one likes a cock swinging around in the breeze".
That's ok. No biggie.
The owner took them around the ground floor and everything looked perfect, even more so for the low price. The couple were suspicious that they saw no sign of anything supernatural, yet. The owner was pleasant and a little excited when showing them the house, until they got to the stairs. The woman stopped and looked incredibly uncomfortable as she stalled for time. Growing impatient, the couple asked her:
"What's upstairs?"
"Not much, what's up with you?" replied the stairs.
My wife emailed a company asking if they had stock of heaters and a man named Kurt sends a reply email with only the text “no stock”, which she showed me.
So I said: “Living up to his name I see”
They were charged with manslaughter
They ransomware safe
He said, "Trickle treat!"
He said he was bringing a pear.
I guess you can say it was Three Days Grace.
Michael Bublé
Corn flakes.
Because our family reunion was in April.
https://i.redd.it/1l6mg6iqioh11.jpg
It's turned into kind of a running joke.
Laurel or Yanny.
They still show up for work one last time.
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My friend once told me she watched Regular Show all the time. I said, "I guess you could say you watch it regularly." We are not friends anymore. (True Story)
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I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
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I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
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Looks tasty. Gimme a pizza that.
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Why do eggs hate jokes? The answers always crack them up!
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What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? "Hey, close the door! I'm dressing!"
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Somebody stole all my lamps…. And I couldn't be more de-lighted!
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I once met a pig that did karate… We called him Pork Chop!
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Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!
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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
(Source For All Puns Except The First) https://bestlifeonline.com/bad-funny-puns/
She was Cafe-Au-Late
We want his name to be a part of it, his name is baumwirst. We came up with the baumwirst bash but we think there's something better. Any help?
Dad: "I pulled a leg muscle today and its killing me!"
Me: "If its killing you, call the cops. They'll arrest it for you"
Dad: "I'll be ahhh resting my leg tonight"
Never have I hung my head in defeat more than today.
...but all the seats were already taken.
A cold shoulder
Credit to u/Phoenix_Slayer3000
Unpaid barking tickets.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
All of the seats were already taken.
the cold shoulder
Apparently he has to many unpaid barking tickets.
It was a wurst case scenario.
They gave him the cold shoulder.
His wife gave him the cold shoulder.
The cold shoulder.
...but all the seats were already taken.
The cold shoulder.
I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
I guess we’re not going to workout.
